sorry Spotify but I’m literally never going to tap the banner to learn more

Is Cinco de Mayo still legal?

I still get just as excited about thunderstorms as I did when I was a kid

These two chicks were fighting outside the bar the other night, and this guy kept yelling, “Rubber Beaver!” Is that a pro wrestling move?

It’s an anniversary somewhere for something so might as well celebrate…

Saying and doing absurd things is a lifestyle…

Someone at work just asked me to collab like I’m some sort of 25 year old…

You too can have a perfect basketball bracket if you fill it out post-game…

Them: Do you remember Me: No

I like to set my weather app to places with worse weather than mine.

Hang on. Let me panic first.

Come for the nonsense, stay for the hysteria!

Oligarchy is not a word I thought would be so prevalent in my vocabulary, yet here we are…

Egging my enemies is a hobby I can no longer afford…

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I use a Yahoo e-mail address…

Does anyone have a yacht I can day drink on? Just checking…

I don’t understand the “p” in front of some English “f” words. It’s Pfucked up…

Wish Trader Joe’s would run the government. They have their shit together..

This year show someone you really care by sending them a bouquet of omelettes…

I'm about to fuck around & write a love song about Honey Lemon Theraflu. This is some good shit!

Waiting for Drake's comeback dis track "I'm Rubber You Glue"

[watching porn] "Wow, I wish I had a close platonic friendship like that”

You’re as cheerful as a serial killer’s storage unit

I have wanted nuthin but a good time since 1988.

I'm sorry you asked for a hug, and now we're spooning.

Trouble in paradise sounds like a fun vacation.

Air kiss is the fuck you of all fuck yous…

OMG. No kiss for you…

Eyes don’t lie and you can’t see hers…

Don’t forget to buy all the avocados today…

What’s a TikTok?

Feeds your high horse sugar cubes laced with cheap ass whiskey...

My recipe for disaster comes in original or extra crispy.

Just 3.5 days until Friday

I was last week years old to discover that: SMH and its derivative SMDH Stand for “Shaking My (Damn) Head not: “So Much (Damn) Hate” sorta works both ways tho🤷‍♀️

Just yelled at the nasty raisins in my trail mix, if you wanted to know how my day is going…

I know at least 10 curse words in sign language, so yes, I am bilingual…

If you’re doing dry January, remember it’s February somewhere…

Just trust me on this, do not put “laminated penis” into your search engine…

Some of you aren’t taking your commitment here seriously and it shows.

I’m trying to tread lightly, but this is my first time wearing combat boots.

I wonder if that other place got a girlfriend yet.

I’m the Mr. Miyagi of replying to idiotic work e-mails in a professional manner…

These chicks never like my posts…

If a heated blanket doesn’t have a scorch setting, I don’t want it…

Twitter hasn’t flatlined yet?

No thank you mushroom coffee, no thank you…