You can pry the yacht rock out of my cold dead little river band.

Asking strangers to smell your fingers gets weird reactions.

Imagine seeing a joke post and deciding you're going to be a serious twat about it.

I am become death cab, transporter of cuties.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

Spineless, feckless fucks.

Maybe when he said “shithole countries”, he said it with envy.

(former heroin addict and apparent steroid user who now looks like a boiled catcher's mitt and sounds like someone who gargles hot tar) "I just want Americans to be healthy!"

Being right has never felt so bad

Idiots be idiotin’.

This inauguration is proudly presented by Depends.

Yeah, like any of us are "popular with friends."

I’ll have a four year coma. Ma’am this is a Wendy’s

It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you

2024: This year was horrible. 2025: Hold my beer.

We’re gonna be in the nursing home saying “it’s on like Donkey Kong”

Ordering veal tells me all I need to know about you.

this is why we can’t have nice things *gestures to the universe*

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night, I don't have THAT much car insurance.

This is not my first rodeo, I have season tickets…

It feels like this year has been 489 days so far.

I wonder if that other place got a girlfriend yet.

No thank you mushroom coffee, no thank you…

My favorite people are the ones who get the ha has and don't spend their time walking all over jokes like a dom in stilettos on testicles.

Gonna start calling everyone Larry.

You're if the Jerry Springer show was a person.

confronts reality, pokes it in the eye

I refuse to call them skeets.

Stopping to collaborate and listen just doesn’t suit me anymore.

My life is loosely based on a true story.

If you don’t know butter contains milk… have I got a political party for you!

Don’t wait for bad stuff to happen, create the shitshow yourself.

I seized a day once. It really wasn’t worth it.

An echo chamber sounds like a cool place to get high and yell Fleetwood Mac lyrics.

OG humor Twitter vibes here, I like it…

Triscuits are miniature wicker placemats for cheese.

I love you as much as I love eating Chick-fil-a on Sundays.

Since everything is a clown show now, I’m relearning how to ride my unicycle.

Unsolicited, unverified, and unsubstantiated health advice is entirely unpersuasive.

Ah… the company of the bar.

Levels of ceiling fan: -Hurricane -On .. ish -How do I turn this off? maybe it's on.. wait, is it almost off? nope it's still on

Me: This is the longest corn maze I’ve ever been to Them: This is Ohio

"Meet me out back by the dumpster for the drugs" -CVS pharmacy drive-thru

It’s perfectly ok to start over. I highly recommend it, in fact. 💫

Has anyone emptied the void so new screams can be deposited?

Update: I’m no longer astounded by the accepted level of fuckery…

Twitter refugees walking into Bluesky

Anyone else feel like they’re at a class reunion? None of you have aged a bit, btw.

Everything can be said and felt with music.