Please help me wish @joshmankiewicz.bsky.social a happy birthday! Josh, thank you for your friendship, support & incredible wit. Attached is a @datelinenbc.bsky.social birthday mystery. So put your sound on & listen as the narrator “cracks the case!” I adore you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ❤️🎉🎂

Men get constant shit for not being able to find the clit, meanwhile women are out there barely putting the tip in their mouth, or slob knobbing and twisting the whole thing like a piece of clay on a potters wheel.

I wonder if anyone, anywhere, at any time, has said, “Oh fuck yeah, Geoff, I just came.”

Dear loud sneezers, Calm the fuck down. Sincerely, Everyone

Wishing the happiest of #Dateline birthdays to the spectacular @hunbothered.bsky.social ❤️🎂

You will be SHOCKED to learn that this somehow didn’t work. www.washingtontimes.com/news/2025/ju...

Turning on post notifications for some people is how I turn mild fondness into deep regret.

When my Xanax kicks in and I’m convinced I can still do a cartwheel and should probably show off my skills to everyone at this BBQ.

This is your reminder to cancel those plans.

Dear loud sneezers, Calm the fuck down. Sincerely, Everyone

Don’t listen to me, my favourite food is burnt toast.

I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean I will, but I definitely know.

Insert coin

Maybe I can have just a little bite too if you wanna

Bang me like I just picked up the tab at The Olive Garden.

I'm taking up recreational screaming

What’s an adequate amount of time to wait before sending a, “Well, I texted, but never heard back, so I made other plans.” Please say 3 minutes. I really need this to be 3 minutes.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works

I’m aging like a fine banana.

“This is an administration that is trying to be populist, anti-elite, appeal to the common man,” he added. Meanwhile, there's “people stacked up like cordwood behind her.” www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

I dunno maybe you could leave me at the top of your TL once in a while

I can tell that Spring is almost here because I'm filled with rage, but I also want to plant flowers.

it's not you* it's me** *me **you

No... Never. 😁

Sorry I was in the starter pack you followed

Are you guys mad at me?

someone asked me a question and when i opened my mouth it made a bunch of gurgling sounds and i’ve never been so articulate

Wow, you really fucked that up! - me, after literally everything I do

I’m in my Princess Leia era. Not really. I hate the whole franchise, but I like the little space buns in my hair.

7 am Sky Crush

I have a personal rule to never subtweet a person. I will, however, notice patterns that reside within the large group and take aim at those. Basically, I’m trying to tell you I’m better than you. And sometimes it’s lonely being so gd perfect.

These are terrible times for people who hate stupidity

Removing The Atlantic from my contacts just in case

you: *drowning me in a tub* me: *between gasping for breath* no one uses that color grout anymore

The typo stays on during sex

Me: *left the air fryer on too long Him: Bro, that pizza is scolding! Me: Did it tell you that you’ve disappointed it at every possible opportunity? Him: Wut? Me: SCALDING!!! The word is scalding. Him: I’m still hungry. Want a meatball sub?

I am straight up not having a good time being alive, bro.

Me: Hi. Her: Hey. Me: I’ve got a lot of charisma. Her: I don’t see it. Me: Sorry, chlamydia. I have lots and lots of chlamydia.

I’ve gone all the way through soul-crushing depression and came out the other side to arrive at, “I’ve just kinda lost interest in being around anymore.”

I blame all of this on the goddam up to no good windmills.

Desperately Seeking Serotonin

And other ladies I adore... @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social @tobi-is-fab.bsky.social @dumbbeezie.bsky.social @shelly3000.bsky.social @myandra.bsky.social And so many others

Some guys I'd like to step up to a bar and have a drink with... @saltymactavish.bsky.social @granttanaka.bsky.social @patnspankme.bsky.social @sofarrsogud.bsky.social @shade5.bsky.social And also, so many others

Hey, go get yourself a little treat today. You deserve it

Maybe letting her hear my bigfoot call on the first date wasn't the way to go.