The president said “Quiet, piggy” to a female reporter who asked him about the Epstein files—a continuation of his long-standing pattern of denigrating women. www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/...

If I wake up at 4 AM and my wife sleeps until 10 AM, that's microdosing divorce.

What a slut.

Have you tried filling your kitchen sink with warm soapy water about it?

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

One good trick for remembering the names of new people in your life is to not bother with meeting new people.

I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

I just remembered the first time I heard of Pete Hegseth www.bbc.com/news/world-u...

Just burned 10,000 calories changing the battery in my key fob.

Just a reminder to wash your hands. Tis the season, gross people.

My favourite thing about the Rainforest Café was when you beat one of their food challenges, you got to fuck a velociraptor.

Just when you think things can’t get worse, they just get awfuller and awfuller.

I want to be more sexual, I’ve decided to become a Disney adult.

My FBI handler just called and said my girlfriend and I are, “really, really gross.”

You can't satisfy me in bed, you're not 7 pillows.

People say Bluesky is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Pay attention to the music they send you.

Please help me wish @joshmankiewicz.bsky.social a happy birthday! Josh, thank you for your friendship, support & incredible wit. Attached is a @datelinenbc.bsky.social birthday mystery. So put your sound on & listen as the narrator “cracks the case!” I adore you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ❤️🎉🎂

Men get constant shit for not being able to find the clit, meanwhile women are out there barely putting the tip in their mouth, or slob knobbing and twisting the whole thing like a piece of clay on a potters wheel.

I wonder if anyone, anywhere, at any time, has said, “Oh fuck yeah, Geoff, I just came.”

Dear loud sneezers, Calm the fuck down. Sincerely, Everyone

Wishing the happiest of #Dateline birthdays to the spectacular @hunbothered.bsky.social ❤️🎂

You will be SHOCKED to learn that this somehow didn’t work. www.washingtontimes.com/news/2025/ju...

Turning on post notifications for some people is how I turn mild fondness into deep regret.

When my Xanax kicks in and I’m convinced I can still do a cartwheel and should probably show off my skills to everyone at this BBQ.

This is your reminder to cancel those plans.

Dear loud sneezers, Calm the fuck down. Sincerely, Everyone

Don’t listen to me, my favourite food is burnt toast.

I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean I will, but I definitely know.

Insert coin

Maybe I can have just a little bite too if you wanna

Bang me like I just picked up the tab at The Olive Garden.

I'm taking up recreational screaming

What’s an adequate amount of time to wait before sending a, “Well, I texted, but never heard back, so I made other plans.” Please say 3 minutes. I really need this to be 3 minutes.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works

I’m aging like a fine banana.

“This is an administration that is trying to be populist, anti-elite, appeal to the common man,” he added. Meanwhile, there's “people stacked up like cordwood behind her.” www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

I dunno maybe you could leave me at the top of your TL once in a while

I can tell that Spring is almost here because I'm filled with rage, but I also want to plant flowers.

it's not you* it's me** *me **you

No... Never. 😁

Sorry I was in the starter pack you followed

Are you guys mad at me?

someone asked me a question and when i opened my mouth it made a bunch of gurgling sounds and i’ve never been so articulate

Wow, you really fucked that up! - me, after literally everything I do