My brother couldn’t get into the menendez brothers show because “they only killed 2 people” 🤨

My McDonald’s order was brought to my car today in a big bag with handles. It was a really humbling moment.

For the last six months or so, every time I’ve been in their house I’ve moved a specific thing about a quarter inch in one direction. They have yet to notice.

Thinking about the time on Facebook one of my best friends announced the death of her mother and i laugh reacted to it on accident and didn’t notice for 8 hours

Me, myself and fries

I'm sure it's fine.

You know the season is changing when you linger a while by the warmth of the rotisserie chicken display

I got logged out of Bluesky and didn’t notice for like two weeks so I apologize

Today's the actual day #BanditHeeler has his license expire! In Australia the date is written dd/mm/year.

Why is he telling me about his uvula

Sometimes when I need Oliver to move I purposely pretend to jostle around the area he is or move a pillow or something and then I act all surprised and confused when he leaves to make him feel like it’s his fault

Today I got quarters from my mother for the arcade like I’m 12 years old

I would absolutely follow a rolling wheel of cheese into the creepy woods.

Funny how after 50, "Waking up pissed" can mean 2 different things

My sister struggles to organize her apps into properly named folders

I tried some fried squid today. Not really a fan. The taste was… Not terrible. But I couldn’t get past the rubberiness of eating an actual squid 🦑

What are you wearing? 1. rumpled sweater & cat hair 2. soft pants & wine stains 3. no pants & some regrets 4. exhaustion & darkness

My blood pressure may be high, but even more concerning, my brown gravy levels are extremely low.

If you absolutely had to guess, how many teeth do you have? Exactly. This is the problem with America today.

Applebees: the official sponsor of Dexter

I took a milk bath to soften my skin, but now I have Lucky Charms marshmallows stuck all over my body.

My sister has some incredibly harsh takes on Godzilla, like conceptually

“Small” typo

Been waiting a long time for this package

The calories you eat over your sink in the dark at 2 AM don’t count

My sister’s house seems so clean??? This feels weird.

Treadmill

@egglandsbestegg.bsky.social listing off the Spice Girls for Kid Parm…. “Salt, Pepper, Cinnamon, Thyme, …. and Montreal Steak Rub”

My sister has the most basic facial features. It is impossible to create her in any sort of sim like game.

For the absolute last time: I *never* said I thought E.T. dressed in the wig and the dress was sexy, I said *I could see why people would think that*

Hopefully Bandit Heeler has renewed his license, it expires today!! #bluey

When you’re poisoned but still wanna make that bread

I think when you have a dentist appointment for a filling, the dentist should hide in the corner and stick you in the gums with the Novacaine the way Dexter does it to his victims in their neck.

Sloppily excited for this week

The Pokémon that runs this account

Announcing our next chapter 💦 ✨ PowerWash Simulator 2 ✨ Coming 2025!

Well, we got through another one of his dumb birthdays

If you see this, I IMPLORE you to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation.

I wonder if I’ll ever hit another green light in my life

Oh no… I have the meat sweats at the bowling alley on league night

On the 8th day god created movie theater popcorn

I wish I looked OK from more angles

Me: “What is an important rule for holding a baby chick, Toddler Parm?” Toddler Parm: “Don’t eat it!”

I got So many hugs today

Got away with it again in therapy

I find it troubling my aunt who is making me steak tonight has yet to ask me how I like it cooked

This was in regards to me getting my ear pierced.

I sure hope my mother didn’t track my location earlier

Done! Don’t look too close at the flaws.