4-year-old Egg was trash talking during Mario Kart and said he was going to chainsaw me.

Apple should make it possible, for a very small fee, to request a physical version of movies purchased through them. I feel myself aging every day and all I want is the ability to watch a movie I bought without the need for internet should I choose 👴🏻

She’s being especially hurtful this morning and giving me her pancakes she couldn’t finish. She knows I love pancakes, and sHe KnOWs oF mY AFFLICTIONS! 🚫👅 🚫👃 🚫👂

Remember…

There’s a new 8 legged body in the basement that I will not be telling her about. Happy spooky season!

Oh, I forgot I swindled my way into getting a brand new upper torque mount for my old car, what am I gonna do with this upper torque mount now? Anyone need an upper torque mount for an old Volvo XC60?

Last day to get your $7500 tax credit for qualifying electric vehicle purchases!

I am old, I made the oldest person mistake, I butt dialed someone and didn’t notice until three minutes into the call. Send me to a home already

Baby Egg keeps calling Jar Jar Binks “Tuba” and when I asked why he said “it’s his middle name”. So it’s official, his full name is Jar Jar Tuba Binks.

my parenting secret is Big Cardboard Box. are your kids grumpy? bored? on their toddler bullshit? ask if Big Cardboard Box is right for your family

I just watched a video on how to make the perfect Pinewood Derby car that is guaranteed to win every time. This is what all dads do, right?

I do not like iOS‘s new automatic grocery list categorization.

how to turn off the glass

A casting choice that sounds weird but I think would really work is if you made a Winnie the Pooh movie and cast Willem Dafoe as Rabbit

Me, getting crushed by life’s problems, just trying to keep it together.

MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor

I would love to get Southwest on a conference call with Expedia so they can tell each other to go contact the other for help until they're both blue in the face and I emerge as the victor.

Our boy is unintentionally the funniest person I know

what the actual 🖕🏼

Uh oh, I’m thinking about them again

Man, them Romans made some really cool stuff.

My hot take: Final Destination Bloodlines got their “life-changing coin” idea from Bluey’s episode “The Sign”.

At the store and realizing the walNUTS are not in the NUTS section and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills

She had milk again. 💀 When will she learn?

Just doom scrolled until tomorrow became today. I have many regrets.

Does my phone know me at all

There is literally nothing on this Earth my father in law loves more than to give increasingly detailed directions naming every street and intersection in his town.

There is not enough coffee in this house

Happy Father’s Day to all those mantises that never had a chance

Just accidentally ordered 2 large coffees with an espresso shot, so I should be all set for today.

A really cool ice spike in my ice cube tray. Unnecessary to share with the world but here I am anyway.

Ugh stayed up way too late. I wasn’t even doing anything fun like playing video games. I was being 1000 years old and watching a ton of YouTube videos about ball bearings, gang nail plates (truss plates), and different kinds of nails. And you know what? I enjoyed them all!

It’s become clear to me that 3 year olds have no idea how to talk to AI bots. It is entertaining though to see what it thinks it heard through the mumbling and fingers in their mouth.

It’s about time we skipped the middleman, we all know what’s at the bottom of these boxes.

Eating a tuna sandwich from Thursday. This is enough adventure for a while.

Saved myself $700 at the dealership by using silicone glue and Zip system flashing tape in areas on my car you will never see.

Baby Egg would be proud of me. I just Hulk thunder clapped 2 wasps out of the air and killed themz

Got away with it again at the dentist

My cat, Milo, just tried jumping through a mirror.

In one month my 401(k) has dropped over $18,000 and I am sad. Much sadness. Great dread. Generally bummed.

Vitamin K?! How many more vitamins are out there that I’ve never heard of? 🤯

“You are not as intellectually stunted as I previously believed” it’s probably the best gentle insult. Thank you Orville.

Tums needs to develop a silent container so I can chug antacids without waking my wife or the 3 year old that snuck into our bed at 2am.

I’m not retiring for a long time but it’s still very sad to see my 401k drop $5,500 today alone. 💵💀

where would we even put another star on the flag

For someone so interested is saving the govt money, he sure doesn’t mind costing us about $10.7 million already just to play golf (since he took office 41 days ago). That’s based on a 2019 report from Government Accountability Office for his previous trips. With inflation it could be much more.

Valentine’s Day is coming up fast, but I think I may have forgotten how to be romance.

I swear this Roomba knows exactly where I want to stand and needs to clean that spot at that very second.

If you want to do the crime but don’t want to do the time, now is your chance to shine.

3 year-old baby Egg knows that today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and it’s very cute to hear him say that. This is the most important thing happening today.