Working in an elementary school is weird. Today I simultaneously hot glued googly eyes onto groundhogs we painted with potatoes AND listened to a coworker discuss the implosion of her marriage. Then I heard a 9 year old come into the building yelling “this is bullSHIT!!!!” It is 8:40 a.m. guys.

Showing my class highlights of BOTH hockey teams because they literally did exactly the same thing except one team has more ovaries. 🙄

My husband hurt himself with MASHED POTATOES. He was bleeding. 🤨😑

Lil Parm: why did you marry mom? @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social : well my family gave her family a bunch of goats 🤨 Happy Valentine’s Day!

was that fucking pedro pascal

That performance is going to give a lot of old people heart attacks 😂😂

In Maine Teacher news, one of my students was picked up by her dad on snowmobile today. 🙃

“I don’t really care about any of them [actors on Euphoria] except Zendaya, I want her to do well because I don’t want my boy Tom Holland to get hurt.” ~ @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social

Please, vague Facebook acquaintance, I beg of you to read the room. Is NOW the time for stupid conspiracy theories?

Remembering the time I was talking to my uncle on the PS5 headset when his father-in-law walked into his house and told him he had really nice teeth and THEN asked if they were “all his”. 🤨

Very valid question

Did you know C3-PO has a belly button? Lil Parm found it!

One of the funniest things I think I’ve ever heard Lil Parm say… “Is that Taylor Swift? Is she stuck in a crab claw?”

I won the Nobel piece prize for my massive dong

Things Lil Parm asked on our trip to the grocery store: What do ladybugs DO? What does “private” mean? Are we taking a shortcut? What IS a shortcut? Who is that? (photo of manager on wall) Is the manager in heaven? Are pomegranates full of onions? Does he work here? Why? (in front of cashier)

Lil Parm playing Candy Land for the first time ever today… “This is SO. MUCH. FUN!!!!!!!” 😭 😍

How is my husband finishing out 2025 you ask? A deep dive into why our grocery store brand frozen pizza quality has declined. Turns out, it goes all the way to the top.

I heave-hoed like a champion this evening 💪

This is how my uncle died

FIL: So this is kinda weird. I found this coloring book for Lil Parm! Me (flipping through): Ok cool…he likes horses. FIL: It blew across the cemetery so I grabbed it! 😳

It was just brought to my attention that we are having FAKE POTATOES with dinner at the in-law’s house tonight KILL ME

you’ve definitely heard of elf on the shelf but are you ready for

Would you be upset or thrilled to receive a freshly cooked rotisserie chicken at a Yankee swap?

somehow I found myself standing in the freezing cold in a line outside kohls at 7:55 a.m. but the good news is I got $5 in kohls cash

“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”

he is NOT going to like it when he realizes we are already behind on our advent calendars

I can’t believe I’m the same species as some of the people I interact with on FB Marketplace

How mature are teachers? Well, my friend scratched her forehead with her middle finger (directed at me and I definitely saw it) in the middle of a training Zoom call this afternoon in front of about 30 people. 😆

Baby Egg just asked if I know what a Zamboni hug is and for a moment I thought I was going to get very hurt

The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

hello 911 i ate too much

Vecna is just scary Groot Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year

The best one star book review I've seen today

Lil Parm is officially a sleepwalker… @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social found him upstairs head to toe naked, trying to put on a pair of my jeans in the dark. Lil Parm said his clothes “fell off” 🤨😂

My husband was verbally assaulted by a radio show hussy in our own driveway today 😂

If you have two cats, then one is a philosopher and the other is a dumbass

“giddy up, jingle horse!! pick up your feet!!” sounds like something my homophobic gym teacher would scream at me while running laps after school.

A first grader just called Monsters Inc “an emotional roller coaster” 😆😆😆😆😆😆

I want the confidence of a 4 year old entering a room and declaring “Hey, Mr. Boogers is heeeeeeere!”

Why does this keep happening

You're posting bowling jokes? Spare me.

In his defense, he said it when I suggested we should “take you down” so he may have been thinking about lumberjack stuff

Corporate wants you to find this difference between these 2 photos

My brother couldn’t get into the menendez brothers show because “they only killed 2 people” 🤨

Have you guys heard of this show called Paw Patrol? Yeah? Ruining my life.