FIL: So this is kinda weird. I found this coloring book for Lil Parm! Me (flipping through): Ok cool…he likes horses. FIL: It blew across the cemetery so I grabbed it! 😳

It was just brought to my attention that we are having FAKE POTATOES with dinner at the in-law’s house tonight KILL ME

you’ve definitely heard of elf on the shelf but are you ready for

Would you be upset or thrilled to receive a freshly cooked rotisserie chicken at a Yankee swap?

somehow I found myself standing in the freezing cold in a line outside kohls at 7:55 a.m. but the good news is I got $5 in kohls cash

“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”

he is NOT going to like it when he realizes we are already behind on our advent calendars

I can’t believe I’m the same species as some of the people I interact with on FB Marketplace

How mature are teachers? Well, my friend scratched her forehead with her middle finger (directed at me and I definitely saw it) in the middle of a training Zoom call this afternoon in front of about 30 people. 😆

Baby Egg just asked if I know what a Zamboni hug is and for a moment I thought I was going to get very hurt

The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

hello 911 i ate too much

Vecna is just scary Groot Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year

The best one star book review I've seen today

Lil Parm is officially a sleepwalker… @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social found him upstairs head to toe naked, trying to put on a pair of my jeans in the dark. Lil Parm said his clothes “fell off” 🤨😂

My husband was verbally assaulted by a radio show hussy in our own driveway today 😂

If you have two cats, then one is a philosopher and the other is a dumbass

“giddy up, jingle horse!! pick up your feet!!” sounds like something my homophobic gym teacher would scream at me while running laps after school.

A first grader just called Monsters Inc “an emotional roller coaster” 😆😆😆😆😆😆

I want the confidence of a 4 year old entering a room and declaring “Hey, Mr. Boogers is heeeeeeere!”

Why does this keep happening

You're posting bowling jokes? Spare me.

In his defense, he said it when I suggested we should “take you down” so he may have been thinking about lumberjack stuff

Corporate wants you to find this difference between these 2 photos

My brother couldn’t get into the menendez brothers show because “they only killed 2 people” 🤨

Have you guys heard of this show called Paw Patrol? Yeah? Ruining my life.

Excuses are like assholes I have a terabyte of the ones I find useful/interesting stored on an external hard drive

my brother is at a cryptozoology museum tonight according to find my friends

No, Svetlana did not look like her online pictures, but Ralph had spent almost twenty grand to get her here, and he was determined to make the best of it.

Some of you may be wondering about the glamorous lifestyle associated with the architectural work I do. Well, I can now share some of that with you. I get this sort of ad for reference material on my Instagram feed. (It is a genuine ad.)

Kid Parm asked me why the person singing on the radio was underwater. I was confused until I saw the album pic. 😂

at the urologist waiting and a lady just came in to find her mom’s glasses and described them as “like Edna Mode” glasses

lOcK yOuR pHoNe

I fear @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social is getting senile. He butt-dialed another ancient person today (2nd time in 3 days).

IMPORTANT POST

I would like a stick of TUMS where I could whittle a little slice.

Ok I *did* say the first graders could choose a short i word to rainbow write. I *did not* anticipate a kid choosing “dick” 😂😂😂😂😂

He bought “Oops All Berries” Tums which contain exactly 0 of the only good Tums…green.

I need an episode of Project Runway where Veejay throws Jesus and Ethan down a flight of stairs

Father in law needs help with some spam texts. @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social : Ok first open your texts FIL : what do you mean “open them”? 🤨

be the reason the townspeople brusquely shutter their windows as you ride into the village

My father in law is here. He told me that he went to his town’s new Target and couldn’t find the exit so he used his compass?

what do you guys do right after you finish your turn in bowling? like when you turn around.

the one trick mods don’t want you to know