I want the confidence of a 4 year old entering a room and declaring “Hey, Mr. Boogers is heeeeeeere!”

Why does this keep happening

You're posting bowling jokes? Spare me.

In his defense, he said it when I suggested we should “take you down” so he may have been thinking about lumberjack stuff

Corporate wants you to find this difference between these 2 photos

My brother couldn’t get into the menendez brothers show because “they only killed 2 people” 🤨

Have you guys heard of this show called Paw Patrol? Yeah? Ruining my life.

Excuses are like assholes I have a terabyte of the ones I find useful/interesting stored on an external hard drive

my brother is at a cryptozoology museum tonight according to find my friends

No, Svetlana did not look like her online pictures, but Ralph had spent almost twenty grand to get her here, and he was determined to make the best of it.

Some of you may be wondering about the glamorous lifestyle associated with the architectural work I do. Well, I can now share some of that with you. I get this sort of ad for reference material on my Instagram feed. (It is a genuine ad.)

Kid Parm asked me why the person singing on the radio was underwater. I was confused until I saw the album pic. 😂

at the urologist waiting and a lady just came in to find her mom’s glasses and described them as “like Edna Mode” glasses

lOcK yOuR pHoNe

I fear @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social is getting senile. He butt-dialed another ancient person today (2nd time in 3 days).

IMPORTANT POST

I would like a stick of TUMS where I could whittle a little slice.

Ok I *did* say the first graders could choose a short i word to rainbow write. I *did not* anticipate a kid choosing “dick” 😂😂😂😂😂

He bought “Oops All Berries” Tums which contain exactly 0 of the only good Tums…green.

I need an episode of Project Runway where Veejay throws Jesus and Ethan down a flight of stairs

Father in law needs help with some spam texts. @egglandsbestegg.bsky.social : Ok first open your texts FIL : what do you mean “open them”? 🤨

be the reason the townspeople brusquely shutter their windows as you ride into the village

My father in law is here. He told me that he went to his town’s new Target and couldn’t find the exit so he used his compass?

what do you guys do right after you finish your turn in bowling? like when you turn around.

the one trick mods don’t want you to know

QUALITY CONTROL TEAM 🚨😺🚨 #caturday

After careful consideration, I've decided to win the lottery.

Not even kidding

reading the court news and a guy I went to high school with was convicted of assault. his weapon of choice? the crock pot of course.

If this pharmacy doesn’t get itself together, I’m gonna take MY business to COMCAST!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil Parm and Uncle Parm ( @eatingpiie.bsky.social ) today

I've just invented a new kind of pillow that's cold on both sides. There are also several live eels inside it. "Couldn't you make a version without the eels?" Yes but I won't

Trying to play "pancake restaurant" with Lil Parm today and he keeps kicking me out because the restaurant is closing but I paid and never got my pancakes. When I peek inside the tent he's just pretending to take naps? What kinda service is this?!

Lil Parm calls Ninja Turtles “Engine Turtles” so that’s what we all call them now

Fun fact about a co-worker I learned today…she was at THE Coldplay concert this summer.

Taylor, look at me. It’s dangerous out there. Take this.

Ya girl is TIRED

Lil Parm living his best life today

this is literally law roach to antonio virtually every episode of project runway

Confused the blood guy and fellow waiting room occupants this morning with my lack of breakfast 🫠

Parent teacher night on Monday and I finished my classroom set up yesterday. Ready to….

the amount of time he spent today to make "banana chips"...😳

go ahead, listen to the FDA. OR?? become CAPTAIN CRUSTACEAN

asked for a another sample at the bakery and overheard the clerk tell her colleague i should be put down

One time In college, on a dare, I rubbed catnip all over my scalp before a hike in an area known to be populated with bobcats.

The Parmesan person at the restaurant really just needs to stand there and reapply every time I take a bite.

made a small typo in the family group text so obviously I’m cooked