ME: Well, sometimes I get Mary Steenburgen and Catherine Keener mixed up. INTERVIEWER: That's not a weakness. That's a moral failing. You fucked up. You never should have told me this. I'm going to kill you

our house is basically the death star for spiders

Can we just appreciate how stunning young Ursula K Le Guin was

When you start playing hockey again so you can bond with your father in law, do not get a half-shield helmet. It is very important that you wear a full face cage, even if it’s just old timers beer league

we need to implement camel crush technology into other devices. pens. the remote. toilet paper, perhaps

Finally got in for the ‘emergency’ gastroscopy ordered in March when I was hospitalized for vomiting buckets of blood and I think the surgeon might be hitting on me?

I paid a woman $900 to kill my dog how was your day

We’re not mad, just disappointed. We’re also mad.

thought this would be a helpful resource for my journalist friends

What if Holly Golightly and Hope Sandoval did a Vulcan mind meld and recorded a perfect album as Steph Green

Just say bingo if you get bingo I don’t care if something wasn’t on your card. Have you even played

Repost if you support trans people and think we're neato

i will never ‘Finish setting up my phone’

My toxic trait is wanting to start an "upload your soul" grift cult

Every friend group has a duty to assign one friend the role of Wormcounter. This individual is responsible for counting worms on behalf of the group in an emergency situation

Trying to gamify harvest to keep my son’s morale up for spending long hours in the combine

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

I put my pants on better than anybody else

they think they can just erase trans joy and trans freedom. they can't. they can make things a lot harder and more painful. but that joy and that freedom is not theirs to take and it is incumbent on all good people to say so.

we’ve sent a code to an email you haven’t used in 8 years and will surely lock yourself out of trying to log into. this will, without a doubt, take several months off your life due to how Fucking mad you’ll get

ask app not to track? I dunno man who gives a shit. sure, track. track away, do WHATEVER, just STOP talking to me god just leave me alone. if AI is gonna take all our jobs just don’t SAY ANYTHING ELSE to me my GOD

Power Outage! at the Grain Elevator

a gang of youths calling themselves "The Toilet Boys" have made a nest in my backyard. theyre bringing pipes, valves, all manner of things. they wont leave no matter how loudly i yell. what are they up to

I’ll say this and get up out of this man’s mentions but if you see something you don’t understand, use context clues, other comments, or scroll on! Don’t inject cluelessness into a conversation and demand clarity. It was clear to everyone else! Comes across kinda pushy/rude. 🙏🏾

What about two lovers outrunning an enemy but one gets hit so the other is like "nooooo!!" and picks them up over their shoulders and runs as hard as they can and then starts doing hurdles and jump flips while the body on their shoulders becomes a progressively stupider looking dummy

What a day

So fucking slammed at work right now

someone must speak for the trees

Trans people deserve financial compensation for the stress of having to put up with so much hate

DWARF CONTRACTOR: *on the phone* alright so tell me this, BEFORE hand, how greedily were you digging.. uh huh... and how deeply? okay, I don't even need to come out, I can tell ya right now you gotta balrog. I'm gonna be honest with ya, does this mine hold any sentimental value

If I were decapitated I would try my hardest to have my head say “is that good” before it hit the ground

Eddie Money’s mommy’s edamame

One must imagine Martigan happy

When you ask the dog groomer to give her the Lorax

what is a birthday if not a chance to get your feelings hurt

The father of my stepchildren hates it when I call him my baby daddy

Whenever a movie has a mayor as a character I’m like oh here we go. Here comes the mayor

If Poilievre had won, Liberal supporters would be losing their fucking minds over the exact same policies they are now defending.

adding a lift to your pickup is great if you want to look like a monster truck driver but are too much of a pussy to be one.

The “Instant Goose” is a technique where you goose the first duck instead of going into a duck rhythm. The best time to use this advanced technique is when the player before you does a lot of ducks.

It’s @maris.bsky.social’s publication day!!! She wrote a beautiful and funny and righteous book about the ways the world has not lived up to its promises, and some of the things about it that feel good and hopeful. Maggie and I (who already knew Maris to be a gorgeous genius) were blown away by it!!

being canadian is rooting for iran to close the straight of hormuz not just to stick it to the guy who threatened your sovereignty but also to boost your tariff-plagued economy by juicing profits in the dirty fossil fuel sector you're against for climate reasons as wildfires burn half the country

My enemy about to shove me out of a plane: "any last wishes?" Me: "I wish for more wishes"

When I say I only listen to Old School, this is what I mean

30 little ceramic wall monsters made by me, displayed and sold by @vargallery.bsky.social

It was the duh of times, it was the doi of times

Porchetta would be a lovely name for a girl

today is the day that i finally journey through the bowling ball return chute

Want to feel old? Go ahead man, I’m not in charge of your feelings