they removed the 1 toilet in the white house and now you have to go in the floor hole

theres only 1 toilet in the white house

the president doing an executive order that makes it so the toilet tubes have to all be thin as penne pasta but the suck is 10x stronger so they dont clog they just make turbulent vacuum vortices that spray poop and pee everywhere

america deserves a president named "mista crap"

reporter: "mr president can you comment on your health? why have you restricted your public appearances?" trump: "well im gonna be honest with you, ive got a little something... some would call it pea soup diarrhea... "

america deserves a president where when they have to go shit in the white house theres 1000 klaxons awooga horns flashing lights and the building shakes a scary amount & they stagger over to the bathroom holding the wall for support & when they finally get to the toilet it geysers shit in their face

NYT: President Biden produced a "record breaking" turd yesterday, in an attempt to prove his youthful vigor. But some experts are casting doubt onto its authenticity. Says one, "The pictures his campaign posted on social media are impressive, but show some aspects consistent with modern forgeries."

president who poops and pees in a wheelbarrow in the oval office and lets it get all the way brimming full before trying to wheel it outside but hits the threshold of the office door and loses balance spilling it everywhere every single time "there's nothing to be done..."

america deserves a president who eats 100 biscoffs a day in air force 1 and has diarrhea in the airplane bathroom

we deserve a president who spends all 4 years 500 feet up in a hot air balloon staked to the ground with a rope. nothing fun up there just a plain basket open to the elements. hard tack diet

what this country needs is a president who can only poop with encouragement

Banner day for ass-related shenanigans

there are a rabble of uncertain, fugitive, half-fabulous whales, which, as an American whaleman, I know by reputation, but not personally

Bob Gibson hit a home run and threw a 10-strikeout complete game in Game 7 of the 1967 World Series, so no, just hitting a home run as a starting pitcher isn't enough

Everyone roasts me for putting stuff up late on Fridays, but Tom just hung an 11:58pm dateline on Defector and I don't see anyone yelling at him about it. I don't know what it's about, though, I haven't checked that part yet. Gonna post before I do, though. defector.com/shohei-ohtan...

CONCEPTUALIZATION - This is a serious violation of the karaoke code.

Gotta bring back tar and feathering

i don't think that shohei ohtani is a good baseball player

This is the second time in his career Shohei Ohtani has had 10+ strikeouts as a pitcher and 2 home runs at the plate in a game (including playoffs) He’s the only player to do that twice in a career

the mariners just hit a ball over the fence. i'd imagine they have a backup baseball on hand for such occasions

Let’s go M’s

Dream blunt rotation

At this hour 166 years ago John Brown and his band of 21 other men embarked on what is probably the stupidest, most righteous small unit action in this country's history. But it was a very evil time, and so 22 men went to start a holy war against the slave power and its Federal enforcers.

They say that she is dancing. They say that she will never die.

For Aries: The autumnal equinox begins a fiscal quarter of humiliation. Wise travelers will keep a tanto close at hand in preparation for the final, insurmountable disgrace. Me (looking at phone, opening Sword Cabinet): oughhh…

Probably best to chase it indefinitely

Caillou's dad: (texting) caillou is freaking the fuck out

YOU - I'm currently in-between names.

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL - Word on the street is you went around the local hostel telling people that you're a police officer and that it would be *really* fucked up if you shot yourself in the head right in front of them. That's pretty high concept, if you ask me.

the actual story here, which the media never talks about, is that police in this country have become a discrete right-wing political operation. the story isn't about cops leaving (they're lying about that), it's about the police trying to exert influence over elections.

federal agents stealing children and sending them south. where have i heard about that before?

Largest warehouse in da world

Chicago priest Fr. Larry Dowling describes procession to ICE facility: “No one had the courage to speak directly to us. No one from Homeland Security could stand in the presence of the Monstrance holding the Blessed Sacrament. No wonder. Evil is repelled, recoils in the presence of Christ.”

Not allowed to say what I think should happen to him!

Vladdy Jr. with his best Big Papi impression DAAAAA YANKEES LOSE

One last postseason diaper blowout for Clayton Kershaw. A beautiful sendoff for a legend.

Clayton Kershaw lmfao

I think this is the truest baseball tweet for me

southsideweekly.com/federal-agen... The building is in a 27 million dollar foreclosure filed by Wells Fargo. The next day, Wells Fargo filed an emergency motion for receivership. The fascist regime kindly emptied the building for donor Wells Fargo.

Heaven have mercy on us all—Presbyterians and Pagans alike—for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending

I will be doing the same thing for my cobalt magnates

You’re telling me that we live in some sort of society of the spectacle

I get #my MLB news and scores from following the official Facebook account of Major League Baseball. Dont miss a single pitch at Facebook.com

From college, Zuckerberg's strategy has been to exploit legal grey areas to take the likenesses of women without their consent, commodify them for the pleasure of leering men, sell the speculative value of the technology, and use those billions to retroactively legalize it. It has always worked.

HORNS DOWN LOLLLLLLLLLL

I really, really recommend you see this. Kaleb posted this years ago and I have never forgotten it. It sounds insane to say that something based on Dilbert could be haunting and beautiful but it is

we deserve a president who is a prize winning pig from the county fair