SECURITY QUESTION: What was the last name of your first grade teacher? MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER HACKING MY BANK ACCOUNT: I'm in

starting a fitness trend where you dig yourself a new grave every morning

No offense, but I think all the bad guys should knock it off

If you care about public lands. Please start speaking up. I’m literally begging you. Not enough folk seem to care about this issue.

Vanilla ISIS and Y’all-Qaeda need to sit the fuck down with the Civil War fantasies. Only a handful of you could run down the street without an inhaler, and you want to be deputized to go help ICE? Clown shit.

Ciabatta not fuck with them, they don't knead to put up with naan of your shit. You butter believe they'll crumb right at you and you'll be toast, your loaf over. Do you want your mama putting flours on your grave? Crust me, that's just how they roll. Okay, challah at you later.

don’t ever fucking ask me to do long division again I’ll kiII you

Possibly the best interview of all-time

so they're mycoblogging

Today we celebrate Him

(me looking at my yard) wow this is just like animal crossing

This product is so good that you don’t even mind when it leaks all over your refrigerator because it fell on its side and somehow manages to do it every single time you buy it. That’s just the bargain you make with this stern old woman

just put socks on right out of the dryer

The Syrian Arabic word for a hamster is أبو جراب (abu jrab), where jrab refers to a pouch/saddlebag/tote. And abu often means “father of,” but can also function as a general honorific (like “mister”). So it’s not too big a stretch to say the Syrian Arabic word for a hamster means “Mister Saddlebags”

I had a dream I got in a plane with RFK jr. as the pilot and he almost killed us three times and I kept sarcastically calling him “Bobby” and then he accidentally suffocated himself in an air lock and I had to go in and give him mouth to mouth to revive him, which worked.

trying to avoid the subject of my secret fight club after running into a coworker at target while pushing an entire cart full of bandaids

60 Minutes found no criminal record for 75% of the Venezuelan migrants the U.S. sent to a mega-prison in El Salvador. https://cbsn.ws/4lC4Vp5

Who did this?

I’m completely bald but still use shampoo because I like my head to smell different than my butt

when he dies they're gonna cut open his head and find there was only one of those wind-up monkeys playing the cymbals in there this entire time

I heard there was a secret ooze It turned four turtles into dudes But you don't really care for pizza, do ya? They fought like this, Two swords, a stick A couple sai Some nunchuck tricks Those Ninja boys-a callin Cowabunga

your honor, the prosecution is killing the vibe

you send ONE "I'm BEARY sorry" card when someone is mauled by a grizzly and suddenly you're "fired from this national park" and "a disgrace to the profession"

Bennet: Did you know the President’s Middle East advisor was in Moscow on this thread? This sloppiness, this incompetence, this disrespect for our intelligence agencies and the personnel who work for him is entirely unacceptable. It's an embarrassment

📝 .Write/Postcards: Demand media coverage 4/5. 📬 .Send to News Outlets: Mail them BEFORE March 24 so they land in newsrooms on time. 📸. Post & Share: Snap a pic of your postcard and use #DemandCoverage to show solidarity! 💬 Tag Friends & Comment: Drop a ✉️ or 📢 below in the comments if you’re in!

Really enjoying this classic Sesame Street segment, two minutes of freestyle jazz riffing on saxophone factory footage

Listening to radio ads right now is like "Canadians are strong. Canadians are tough. Canadians never back down. Canadians deserve the best. That's why at Bob's Lube Garage, we know your tire lube should smell like poutine and Lake Erie fish,"

ADVENTURER FINDING MY DESICCATED SKELETON HUNCHED OVER A LAPTOP IN THE POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND: This poor bastard. Probably didn't even see it coming MY LAST POST: "nuke" lmao. dumbass verb. oh you're going to "nuke me?" you're going to split apart my atoms? okay dude

Texted my friend who’s getting their PhD in economics right now:

An important statement from the American Bar Association. www.americanbar.org/news/abanews...

In Colorado, we support freedom, and we will not cater to a brutal Russian dictator who is no friend to America, our interests, or our future. America plays a crucial role in supporting our international allies and protecting democracy abroad; Colorado continues to stand with Ukraine.

the only "two factor authentication" i need are these (holds up fists)

when i was little teachers would tell me to stop looking at the ground when i walk bc that makes you look like a bullying victim (?) but really i was keeping my eye out to make sure i didnt step on any bugs

there is a minion's head in the gutter in front of my toddler's school. is this a warning. a metaphor. what?

The Stonewall Inn released a response to the National Parks Service removing the word transgender from the park outside of the Inn. A great reminder that we have to look after each other

everyone right now

Stuck on a project? Imagine you are an insane willem dafoe character lost in the reverie of endless toil. Make impulsive and reckless decisions! Hum/sing/mumble incoherently to yourself! Find delight in the minute chaos of repetitive actions! Choose to kill a man for speaking in an ambiguous tone

It all of us

be the monkey wrench you want to see in the works

I sincerely don’t know why people aren’t physically stopping those dorks. Move shit. Lock doors. Lose the keys. Everyone switch seats. Turn off all the lights. Switch the signs on the elevator lobby. Make the settings all silly. Use a different language. Wear costumes. Fill rooms with balloons

The Papua New Guinea Courier is in rare form.

The United States Military Academy has just eliminated all Cadet clubs and activities for POC. Most of these have existed for decades like the Society of Black Engineers. They were there when I was a Cadet in 1987. All of the religious ones remain. This isn’t DEI. It’s white Christian Nationalism.

Here are my top 10 favorite winter dogs of all time! youtube.com/shorts/R2CCK...

Just bought a ton of Ravioli and carried the cans to my car. BoyareDee’s Arms tired

you just know one of Elon’s teens is going to see the letters “BLM” and fire the entire Bureau of Land Management