Moon Pies are fantastic if your favorite flavor is "dry"

ME: [to my cricket girlfriend] You still love me babe? CRICKET GF: [cricket sounds] ME: Is that "yes" in cricket language or awkward silence?

MATH FUN! Because there are always pregnant people, the average number of skeletons in a body is greater than one

SECURITY QUESTION: What was the last name of your first grade teacher? MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER HACKING MY BANK ACCOUNT: I'm in

All the celebrity chefs say to save your pasta cooking water I do! So far I’ve saved 770 gallons (3000 liters) Contractors are coming next week to install underground storage tanks!

GIRLFRIEND: It's 11:11! Make a wish! ME: [rolls eyes, stares out window] GIRLFRIEND: [text message alert] Crap, got to go ME: Holy shit

😂🤣😂🤣😂

🤣

@mariana057.bsky.social missing your jokes but more importantly hope you’re ok!

My heart goes out to the Clabber Girl I hope she can get something for her clabs soon

Instead of Terminator pulling a shotgun out of a box of roses, how about Terminator pulling a rose out of a box of shotguns? And saying, "Come with me if you want to have a lovely evening."

Watching “Devs” for the final time before my Disney+ cancellation takes effect

It were talk like a pirate day and I didn’t even notice Arr

Zelensky started out as a comedian. Maybe Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert and others who have been forced out of their jobs — By these efforts to silence critics— Should run for president. Or any other office. youtu.be/JUK7RKIlyXA

If every Bluesky member that has Disney+ were to cancel their subscription, it would cost Disney over a half $1 billion. We have more power over them than you think. If we boycott everything including media, they’re gonna get the message. And we’re doing it peacefully too. Passively.

The right thing to do.

Updated my watch to Liquid Glass but to make it more accurate Apple should’ve put scratches all over the Liquid Glass so it would match the watch’s actual glass

The Heimlich Hotel's the kind of place That you should not be dodging. Among its many services Are excellent food unlodging.

Radios are the uncredited co-stars of “Andor” Especially season 2

I’ve embraced Buddhism as part of my recovery and I do think Buddhists have a peaceful and even keel on the world But seriously try as I might I haven’t yet figured out how to express loving-kindness nor appreciative joy nor compassion nor equanimity towards Trump or his hateful followers

Advice to two guys thinking about investing in a good studio microphone and making a podcast because no one else thought of two guys chatting over things over a good studio microphone Please don’t It’s been done, literally thousands of times, and no one cares about your take on Taylor Swift

Reminder: Trump is deploying troops not to fight crime, but to fight democrats

Moving from Colorado to Alabama Starter Pack Weed Dispensary → Sheriff’s Evidence Locker Abortion Clinics → Underground Railroad to Illinois Rainbow Crosswalks → Confederate Flags Mail-in Ballots → 3 forms of ID and baptism certificate Craft Breweries → Bud Light Boycotts Ski Pass → Hunting License

"Masterclass" seems to: • conflate celebrity with expertise • conflate expertise in a craft with *teaching* of that craft There are some incredible teachers out there who aren't grammy winners, stage performers, have best selling novels, are behind or in front of the camera, and so forth, etc.

Dance instructors hate the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4

ENOUGH WITH COMPANIES GOING TO WOKE LOGOS! APPLE SHOULD GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL 1970s VERSION IMMEDIATELY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

I have a split personality, said Tom, being frank.

I upgraded my iPhone operating system to 18.6.1 and somehow it also swapped in a non-Apple battery

Whether you're in a • Sedan • Coupe • Convertible • Pickup truck • SUV • Van • MCRN Corvette class light frigate always buckle up!

[mom explainging the French Revolution] MOM: So Marie Antoinette said "Let them eat cake" 5 Y.O. ME: And that made the people mad? MOM: Yes, because they wanted bread 5 Y.O. ME: I'd take the cake

Why did the art thief's getaway vehicle run out of fuel? He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

"It's so important this meeting is recorded," says someone who will never access the recording.

“HP/UX” is of course pronounced “aitch pucks”

THEM: “We didn’t have the internet until 2013” ME: I had my first email address in 1988 THEM: … ME: Here’s the known internet in 1973

Quantum Computer Support Person: “Have you tried turning it on and off at the same time?” #dadjoke

Okay I think F1 should follow anime horsegirl racing logic. Every time a driver wins a race they should have to give a full JPop concert.

Current favorite character: Hange Zoë

SHE: I like “Attack on Titan” because it has no fan service ATTACK ON TITAN:

“Attack on Titan” your favorite character died, fuck off learn about yeast

Wanted to check out the latest Star Trek Strange New Worlds but Paramount can fuck all the way off

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said, "That lizards really funny!" The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard...He's a stand up chameleon."

[watching Babylon 5] 1997: Cool, Scott Adams cameo! 2025: Ugh, this asshole

CAPTAIN SHERIDAN: Ow! I stubbed my toe VORLON AMBASSADOR KOSH: Good

Conserve digital media. Instead of an entire colon, consider using a semicolon.

I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up Fish Chips on my way home from work. I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids.

I have never heard this one before 😂

Drifting is just dressage for cars

Don’t clap between movements Cough only Clap and cough heavily at the end