That git commit has been reverted. I saw only the first few lines of the diff. It was a staffer who broke the build. I will not apologize because I did nothing wrong.

I love music A friend said he did too, which surprised me, because his music suuuuuucks

[camping] ME: Don’t drink the water. You could get LaGuardia HIM: The airport? ME: Don’t drink the water there either

[geography class] PROF: That's it for the southern hemisphere. Any questions? ME: Where's Old Zealand? PROF: [stammers] I … I'll see myself out

ME: Know when you go to someone's house and they've got decades-old–LEGO and the parts are just…off? Like the studs with the old puffy LEGO logo, and bricks without "cups", or that spring-loaded forklift piece? And it's all sort of…unsettling? HIM: Uh…yeah? I— ME: I feel like that all the time

ROBBER: Gimme all the money! TELLER: Well I've got just ten bucks, but if you mean the bank's money, let me tell you about articles of faith. You see, what we consider currency is actually … wait! Come back!

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

HIM: What's with the wrist brace? ME: {don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games} Uh, fight club

Fusion > fission

My secret to life, I'll share with you: Sincerity is truly a blessing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches... She said: Suture self.

I feel so awkward when I’m riding an escalator and the mall music plays “Chariots of Fire”

[logging in] Username: nutjob Password: $ecret-sauce4196 NOTICE: Your password is too old and needs to be rotated New password: 961ᔭǝɔnɐs-ʇǝɹɔǝ$ Confirm new password: 961ᔭǝɔnɐs-ʇǝɹɔǝ$ CONFIRMED: Your password is now rotated 180º

TIRED: taking screenshots of websites with save-disabled images WIRED: inspecting the sources and finding the full-rez image EXPIRED: disabling JavaScript

CYCLOPS: How do you spell Hawaii? WIFE: Well you need two i’s CYCLOPS: My life is just some joke to you, isn’t it, Linda?

Ancient Egyptians were all, “We need religion” and some guy held up a cat and said, “Eh? Ehhh?”

My wife hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

Of all the chefs at Americas’s Test Kitchen, Hannah Crowley seems most likely to drop an F-bomb when you least expect it, and so she’s my favorite

TEXAS ICE STORM NOTICE If you bring your butter out each morning and then put it back in the fridge each evening, you can skip that tonight

Sounds like fun until you realize it lasts all weekend.

[at the altar] PASTOR: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace ME: [raises hand] PASTOR: It's *your* wedding ME: [lowers hand]

Etiquette question: When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before taking a bite of my corn dog?

Some believe the massive 25 ton stones of Stonehenge came via Wales But this is easily disproven as Wales are aquatic mammals, not land-dwelling creatures

Nooo! I parked my ship on my car—again!

Favorite thing about “The Expanse”: The Laws of Physics are a character

Thanks, Google. Yes, that … that clears it right up

His skin was like porcelain Toiletface, they called him

Microwave (n.) A hand gesture used by a small person to say hello.

Wyna Liu is a sadist

On the job training for Oompa Loompas probably includes a section on dealing with dead bodies

ME: [offering joint] wanna hit? GIRAFFE: … ME: Nevermind, you’re already high lol [later] SCIENTIST: We've never seen a giraffe eat a human before

You know you've reached adulthood when you go from dripping mayo on your shirt to dripping garlic-saffron aioli on your shirt

According to this BMI (body-mass index) chart, I absolutely have to get taller in 2026

BEAUTY TIPS for the "angelic" look: • Pink or gold eyeshadow • Pink or iridescent blush • Weave flowers into hair • Wear long, flowing dresses • Hum softly but resolutely • Wield a flaming sword • Announce your arrival by yelling "FEAR NOT" • Sandals

TIRED: Forgetting a mug with a teabag in it WIRED: Forgetting to put the teabag in the mug EXPIRED: Any chance of tea

photosynesthsia — (noun) A rare cognitive condition in which plants feel sunlight as jazz, interpret rain as the color mauve, and refuse to grow unless the vibes are right

PHILOSOPHY CLASS QUESTIONS! • Is soup a beverage? • Is it a beverage if you drink it with a straw? • Is coffee a soup if you eat it with a spoon? • Is Cap'n Crunch soup? • Soup? • Ipso facto soupso?

REALTOR: This house is cursed! ME: Oh no! REALTOR: With an extremely reasonable market price. ME: Oh ok. REALTOR: Because of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices. ME: Oh no! REALTOR: But in a great school system.

ME: You know what—make it a double PROCTOLOGIST: Excuse me?

Hi! 👋 If you’re having a good day, I just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

is…is this a threat

The Seattle Times's mini-crossword coming straight outta 1995

The Richard Kind bonus episode of JJHO on @maximumfun.org may have strayed a little too much into Richard Kind nostalgia (what an impulse) Still, the few docket cases addressed were pretty clever 😆 (Support worker owned podcasts!)

I generally like everything Bethesda makes (yes, even Starfield) but “Far Harbor” was absolutely miserable By the time I got to this stupid quest, I decided I didn’t need to know the ending anymore

[putting up xmas lights] NEIGHBOR: You better bring those down in 30 days ME: I will when you bring in your ugly gnome NEIGHBOR: That's my wife!

Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Xmas He hated people—which is fair

Best gift so far

Fishing skill: max

The more I think about, the more I'm convinced New Mexico Tech in the 1990s was just an Emacs indoctrination center