Sean Kelly
@seankelly.biz
📤 449
📥 402
📝 777
NASA reject ⎸ Python hacker ⎸ science fiction and science fact ⎸ /ʃɔːn/ /ˈkɛli/ ⎸ Also jokes
That git commit has been reverted. I saw only the first few lines of the diff. It was a staffer who broke the build. I will not apologize because I did nothing wrong.
3 days ago
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I love music A friend said he did too, which surprised me, because his music suuuuuucks
4 days ago
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[camping] ME: Don’t drink the water. You could get LaGuardia HIM: The airport? ME: Don’t drink the water there either
4 days ago
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[geography class] PROF: That's it for the southern hemisphere. Any questions? ME: Where's Old Zealand? PROF: [stammers] I … I'll see myself out
6 days ago
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ME: Know when you go to someone's house and they've got decades-old–LEGO and the parts are just…off? Like the studs with the old puffy LEGO logo, and bricks without "cups", or that spring-loaded forklift piece? And it's all sort of…unsettling? HIM: Uh…yeah? I— ME: I feel like that all the time
7 days ago
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ROBBER: Gimme all the money! TELLER: Well I've got just ten bucks, but if you mean the bank's money, let me tell you about articles of faith. You see, what we consider currency is actually … wait! Come back!
8 days ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
DocAtCDI
9 days ago
Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
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HIM: What's with the wrist brace? ME: {don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games don't say video games} Uh, fight club
9 days ago
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Fusion > fission
11 days ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
DocAtCDI
11 days ago
My secret to life, I'll share with you: Sincerity is truly a blessing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
DocAtCDI
13 days ago
I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches... She said: Suture self.
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I feel so awkward when I’m riding an escalator and the mall music plays “Chariots of Fire”
14 days ago
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[logging in] Username: nutjob Password: $ecret-sauce4196 NOTICE: Your password is too old and needs to be rotated New password: 961ᔭǝɔnɐs-ʇǝɹɔǝ$ Confirm new password: 961ᔭǝɔnɐs-ʇǝɹɔǝ$ CONFIRMED: Your password is now rotated 180º
14 days ago
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TIRED: taking screenshots of websites with save-disabled images WIRED: inspecting the sources and finding the full-rez image EXPIRED: disabling JavaScript
16 days ago
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CYCLOPS: How do you spell Hawaii? WIFE: Well you need two i’s CYCLOPS: My life is just some joke to you, isn’t it, Linda?
16 days ago
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Ancient Egyptians were all, “We need religion” and some guy held up a cat and said, “Eh? Ehhh?”
16 days ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
DocAtCDI
18 days ago
My wife hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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Of all the chefs at Americas’s Test Kitchen, Hannah Crowley seems most likely to drop an F-bomb when you least expect it, and so she’s my favorite
18 days ago
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TEXAS ICE STORM NOTICE If you bring your butter out each morning and then put it back in the fridge each evening, you can skip that tonight
19 days ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝
20 days ago
Sounds like fun until you realize it lasts all weekend.
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[at the altar] PASTOR: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace ME: [raises hand] PASTOR: It's *your* wedding ME: [lowers hand]
19 days ago
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Etiquette question: When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before taking a bite of my corn dog?
19 days ago
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Some believe the massive 25 ton stones of Stonehenge came via Wales But this is easily disproven as Wales are aquatic mammals, not land-dwelling creatures
24 days ago
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Nooo! I parked my ship on my car—again!
25 days ago
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Favorite thing about “The Expanse”: The Laws of Physics are a character
25 days ago
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Thanks, Google. Yes, that … that clears it right up
about 1 month ago
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His skin was like porcelain Toiletface, they called him
about 1 month ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
DocAtCDI
about 1 month ago
Microwave (n.) A hand gesture used by a small person to say hello.
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Wyna Liu is a sadist
about 1 month ago
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On the job training for Oompa Loompas probably includes a section on dealing with dead bodies
about 1 month ago
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ME: [offering joint] wanna hit? GIRAFFE: … ME: Nevermind, you’re already high lol [later] SCIENTIST: We've never seen a giraffe eat a human before
about 1 month ago
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You know you've reached adulthood when you go from dripping mayo on your shirt to dripping garlic-saffron aioli on your shirt
about 1 month ago
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According to this BMI (body-mass index) chart, I absolutely have to get taller in 2026
about 1 month ago
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BEAUTY TIPS for the "angelic" look: • Pink or gold eyeshadow • Pink or iridescent blush • Weave flowers into hair • Wear long, flowing dresses • Hum softly but resolutely • Wield a flaming sword • Announce your arrival by yelling "FEAR NOT" • Sandals
about 1 month ago
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TIRED: Forgetting a mug with a teabag in it WIRED: Forgetting to put the teabag in the mug EXPIRED: Any chance of tea
about 1 month ago
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photosynesthsia — (noun) A rare cognitive condition in which plants feel sunlight as jazz, interpret rain as the color mauve, and refuse to grow unless the vibes are right
about 1 month ago
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PHILOSOPHY CLASS QUESTIONS! • Is soup a beverage? • Is it a beverage if you drink it with a straw? • Is coffee a soup if you eat it with a spoon? • Is Cap'n Crunch soup? • Soup? • Ipso facto soupso?
about 1 month ago
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REALTOR: This house is cursed! ME: Oh no! REALTOR: With an extremely reasonable market price. ME: Oh ok. REALTOR: Because of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices. ME: Oh no! REALTOR: But in a great school system.
about 1 month ago
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ME: You know what—make it a double PROCTOLOGIST: Excuse me?
about 2 months ago
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Hi! 👋 If you’re having a good day, I just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
about 2 months ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
Iron Chef Bot
about 2 months ago
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reposted by
Sean Kelly
Greg the Miller
about 2 months ago
is…is this a threat
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The Seattle Times's mini-crossword coming straight outta 1995
about 2 months ago
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The Richard Kind bonus episode of JJHO on
@maximumfun.org
may have strayed a little too much into Richard Kind nostalgia (what an impulse) Still, the few docket cases addressed were pretty clever 😆 (Support worker owned podcasts!)
about 2 months ago
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I generally like everything Bethesda makes (yes, even Starfield) but “Far Harbor” was absolutely miserable By the time I got to this stupid quest, I decided I didn’t need to know the ending anymore
about 2 months ago
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[putting up xmas lights] NEIGHBOR: You better bring those down in 30 days ME: I will when you bring in your ugly gnome NEIGHBOR: That's my wife!
about 2 months ago
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Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Xmas He hated people—which is fair
about 2 months ago
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Best gift so far
about 2 months ago
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Fishing skill: max
about 2 months ago
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The more I think about, the more I'm convinced New Mexico Tech in the 1990s was just an Emacs indoctrination center
about 2 months ago
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