Just got back from a week in Europe w/ platonic friend. Trying to get my sleep and masturbation schedules back on track.

Wordle 1,796 3/6* ⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜ 🟩⬜🟩⬜⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 I'm in Europe, bitches!!

"All Sports Shown Here" #Dublin

Cobh, Ireland

#Cork 🇮🇪

Wordle 1,793 5/6* ⬜🟨🟨⬜⬜ ⬜⬜🟩🟩⬜ ⬜⬜🟩🟩⬜ ⬜⬜🟩🟩⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

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Took this a year ago and forgot about it. #spring

Holy shit has "dope" been short for "dopamine" this whole time??

hell yeah!

Had the trifecta this morning: 1) waiting tables dream; 2) line cooking/burning breakfast dream; 3) lost my iPhone in busy public place dream

beautiful to see this meme in real life

Where is that Kennedy Curse when you need it?

Drop some fighters.

(doing the bare minimum) you have no idea what i go through every day

I’ve finally reached the age where I’m probably going to ask for a back scratcher for Christmas.

Five Easy Hacks For Having Sex With Journalists

same.

Every bit as legitimate and brave as turning off comments and quote posts.

If they want to take ivermectin this time, don’t try to stop them.

well maybe if you quit spending money on avocado toast and coffee you could actually afford to gamble online,

You can't upgrade to Hantavirus if you haven't installed Monkey Pox.

Kurt Vonnegut said that semicolons do nothing but show that you've been to college; I believe this to be true.

Maybe the most GenX thing about me is that 'Star Wars' is the original three movies and that's it. Everything post-1983 is fanfic. #TheTrilogy

"Suzanne", my favorite Leonard Cohen poem/song, popped up on a playlist today and I listened to it and thought: my goodness, what a heaping load of total nonsense.

Oops, somebody spilled their french fries. I hope they don't get indicted.

"Bernie or bust"

tactical emotions: emotions FOR MEN

Buddha: The secret to happiness is to be fully present in the now Me: Pass

Most of the time the antidote is to simply stop taking the poison

Mentally I am hanging off the caboose of a train like a talentless colorized Buster Keaton

Why didn't Charles just send (née) Prince Andrew?

There are five or six waste management companies operating in my city (stupid, right?). Overnight noise ordinances expire at 8AM and mine always comes at exactly 8:01. Am I their only customer?

Ha ha fucking woodpecker hitting the (metal) exhaust port on the roof.

The president is stupid. No, no, I mean really stupid.

welcome back to our longest-running household mystery, Why Is The Cat Wet

April 27th is the anniversary of the first time I did oral on someone -- I had read about how to the previous summer in a borrowed Cosmo mag in the back of a church van on the way back from church camp and thought it all sounded pretty great.

apocalypse moist

There's a pallet guy in my neighborhood. Earlier, under cover of darkness, he was out in the street with a big brush, soaping up/scrubbing down his pallet-mobile. I can only assume he does this every time it rains.

If everyone at the White House Correspondents Dinner had been armed, there would’ve been nothing to worry about last night.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?” She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

I’m at your grandma’s peeling thin translucent plastic from her electronic displays. I don’t know why you’re beefing with your nana, but you ain’t have to leave her lcd displays covered in plastic film like this. Shameful.

Why does the Algorithm suddenly think that I drink too much? Because I don't, OK?? I totally don't!

"Don't fucking 'Jimmie' me, Jules! OK!?"

… “you soup fork” … This might be the best insult ever! 🤣💀

Pick up the nearest book, turn to p. 42, and post the second sentence: "No, but I had to badger you," said Gandalf. "I wanted the truth." - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

🎶 youtube.com/shorts/5N3NE...

so fucking hungover from Earth Day