They want to be us so bad.

Just wrote two new jersey graphic explainer things.

Good morning to Tim Bezbatchenko only.

If the next move isn’t giving Tim Bezbatchenko however much money it will take for him to return to Cowtown, I will personally make ACES Radio a weekly show again. You want that?

THIS THIS A THOUSAND TIMES THIS

Another talent identification masterclass from Issa Tall.

Good for you, San Diego. 🫡

You can’t be the worst team in the league and win MLS Cup. You can ABSOLUTELY be the worst team in the league and win the Open Cup. We are three home games away from a major trophy. I believe in this group of poorly assembled shitheads. Go Crew.

TRIVIA TIME! Did you know: Daniel Gazdag is on the field right now? IT’S TRUE! He currently plays for the Columbus Crew and is playing in the current Crew game for the Crew! Text 1996WTF5318008 to stop.

There’s the 2026 Columbus Crew. Knew my boys would show up eventually.

Tell your weak-ass children about my adventures in Montreal.

You’ll notice that no one named Claude Skywalker has ever scored for the Crew.

OMFGGGGOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Firing up Apple TV to watch the Crew

MATCHDAY. #Crew96

Remember to get your "Alexi Lalas is bad for US Soccer" shirt from Retro Screamers. #WorldCup #USMNT share.google/LRDUESR3R7MK...

Happy 27th birthday to the only soccer stadium that has ever mattered in the history of the world. #Crew96

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Things you love to see.

Ran the quick numbers post 2003 elimination of shootout / golden goal. #Crew96 PPG through 13 games is 0.92 Worst season ever? Yep!

Attention fans of other MLS teams! If your ownership is considering hiring a guy as GM whose entire resume is “I picked up Cucho Hernandez up at the airport” you should absolutely support their decision.

Impossible for me to care about a game that is being played outside of the US Open Cup.

OMFGGGGGOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLL

The scariest thing about tonight is we have two bald white guy head coaches out there and either of them could be Jaap Stam and we would have no idea.

We should sub on the replacements for Cucho and Morris and Nagbe in the second half.

OMFGGGGGOOOOOOAAAAALLLL

One of the things that my dad Wilfried Nancy was great at that Henrik Rydström cannot seem to figure out is having Cucho Hernandez on his team.

Happy 100th start in MLS, Rudy Camacho!

Uhhhhhhhhhh this is false.

I swear to Guillermo every goddamned Crew game is announced by Steve Cangialosi.

I’m not kidding when I say that if they start evicting people because of this fucking NWSL training facility that I will chain myself to a tree at McCoy Park and they’ll have to deal with “the guy who started #SaveTheCrew” being arrested for protesting Crew ownership.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 WOOP WOOP STEVEN MOREIRA AND THE COLUMBUS CREW MENTIONED ON NPR NATIONAL WOOP WOOP 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

THE BEST JERSEYS IN AMERICAN SPORTS. PRAISE JERRY REVISH, YOU COWARDS.

MATCHDAY. #Crew96

My mom posted this picture of her and the Hughes Boyz on Mother’s Day. From L to R… -Senual faced extreme blue pants kid -Otho from Beetlejuice, age 9 -Temu Jill Taylor -Highest waisted pre teen possible Thank you.

Me paying my monthly Crew season ticket invoice in 2026

Legitimately insane that we’re measurably worse than the hashtang For Columbus season.

As a person who does not care about MLS regular season play and only cares about the US Open Cup, this is fine. The U-13’s should have played the second half. None of this is real life.

I honestly think Chad Marshall could start on this team right now, had he not killed the cat from the smash hit 90’s film Homeward Bound before a game against Toronto in 2014.

Happy Mother’s Day to my alleged mother, who had the tremendous foresight to give birth to a strong and humble champion in her first attempt at procreation. Today, thanks to you, we can celebrate me.

MATCHDAY. #Crew96

Happening tonight in my high school friends group chat. RIP Unleash The Fury Lives Forever 💔💔💔💔

About to eat a Wario’s cheesesteak for the first time. Please standby.

Gregg Berhalter is a bottled water addict. Thank you.

Whoa, okay Project Hail Mary. Was not expecting that. What a great fuckin’ movie.

Ohio ignored the state Supreme Court. Virginia should do the same.

You take Born to Run, a great song, one of the best pop songs ever recorded, & you etch that fucker onto a gold record & shoot it into space in hopes that an alien species will find it & listen to it, bc they should, it’s that good of a song. Guess what? That alien already listens to Bob Seger, ok?

The league was taught a lesson in 2018. Seems they need a refresher. SAVE. THE. CAPS. A portion of sales to benefit the #SavetheCaps cause. We’re working with STC/Southsiders to coordinate the funds. Only from Supporter Supply Co. www.supportersupply.co ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #SavetheCaps | #Crew96 | #MySuppco

-HB6 grifter -2020 election denier -anti reproductive rights loser MAY YOUR CAREER REST IN PISS, YOU FUCKING DORK.