count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula *dracula turns into a bat* *wolf man turns into a wolf* godzilla: weird flex, but ok *eats them both*

TV ADVERTISING IN THE U.S. The announcer: "Side effects may include vomiting, diarrhea, aneurysms, strokes, massive heart attacks and angry murder sprees." The image on-screen:

get your hand off that thing we're filming

what are YOU giving out this Halloween?

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula *dracula turns into a bat* *wolf man turns into a wolf* godzilla: weird flex, but ok *eats them both*

unending misery would be a woebius strip

🎵 quantum physical, physical 🎵 Sir Isaac Newton-John

If anyone can guess this animal I will eat a box of Krispy Kreme’s😏

me: *posts a joke on bluesky I'm convinced is a banger* everyone else: *a silence so vast and terrifying that the living will envy the dead*

I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral but you didn't seem to notice

Just checking on my investments. *seeing if the avocados I bought three days ago are ripe yet

Life is all about balance. Whenever I feel invincible. I remind myself of the time I punched myself in the face putting on a sock

You have to keep exercising forever, you can never stop. They don't tell you that when you sign up.

OFFICER: ma’am, can you step out of the vehicle? ME: i DuNnO, CaN i ? ? ?

A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS STUDYING A WORLD MAP: Iran, Iran so far away

her: i love you more than ever, andy, and i will never let you go me: mom did you call that therapist i told you about

you can have one of my cargo shorts pockets for your own personal use

I don’t mind my own company, I just wish I would shut up occasionally.

If a movie sequel is subtitled ‘The Final Chapter’ there are 3 things of which you can be certain: 1. It will not be a good movie 2. The producers know that the series should have ended 2 movies ago 3. It will in fact turn out not to be the final chapter, anyway

I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral but you didn't seem to notice

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

been coming here every day for over ten years and i’m starting to lose hope

“Why is your name listed first?” “We’ve discussed this.” “Explain it to me one more time.” “They’re alphabetical.”

when you're racing to get home before the edible kicks in and you realize you've made it just in time

i just don’t get water polo

I’m watching football with my Dad doing what a good daughter does rooting for the opposite team.

“Hear me out. The product name has to be barely pronounceable, unappealing and a little cringey. Trust me on this.” - pharmaceutical company marketing departments

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, I would choose alive.

COP: i am arresting you for telling too many dad jokes ME: hi arresting you for telling too many dad jokes i’m dad

Once I get a belt, it's all over for your britches

wife: *winking* the kids are out all evening, are you thinking what I’m thinking? me: *already setting up the Risk gameboard* I’m way ahead of you babe

Which is it, brain? Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

live, laugh, nobody wants to fuck me

people get massive crushes on you and then they just go off and get massive crushes on other people as if that’s not illegal

if glass is beautiful when it’s stained then so is my shirt, Susan

[nursery rhyme committee] BOSS: we need a song for the alphabet GUY WHO WROTE TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR: i have an idea

me: *posts a joke on bluesky I'm convinced is a banger* everyone else: *a silence so vast and terrifying that the living will envy the dead*

A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS STUDYING A WORLD MAP: Iran, Iran so far away

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

Cheryl Hines never thought the brain worms would get to her but then Olivia Nuzzi showed up with a dead bear

Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because it seems like you have something to say about everything and fewer people care everyday.

*fools rush in* *they all slam into each other*

*watching the coffee brew* oh enchanted elixir please hurry i need your magic

no one ever comes back