I think it’s time we start applying “Trump Derangement Syndrome” to anyone still supporting and defending him.

If the National Guard is really in D.C. to protect federal property, they should probably have been at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. two days ago

Updating my LEGO White House

I’m surprised they’re not making the new White House ballroom in the shape of a Fabergé egg.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think being against fascism should be a crime

Quick question for the people who tend to jerk off to the 2nd amendment.. why don’t you give a shit about the 5th amendment?

Anywhere can be paradise city as long as it has green grass and pretty girls.

It was a good day to be on the right side of history #nokings

ALL FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS THAT DO NOT FEATURE A STEVIE NICKS LEAD VOCAL ARE NOW TARIFFED AT 250%

My card

How long until there’s a Spirit Halloween in every Tesla dealership?

Can we just skip ahead to the part of this shit show where Trump‘s acts like he never heard of Elon Musk?

each day on this planet is worse than the last

I miss not thinking about the federal government every day.

One things for sure. These thin mints are NOT working.

We need a Disney princess who’s absolutely furious.

How’s everyone holding up?

How is it possible that Gene Hackman has looked 55 his entire life?

The fun thing about being alive today is every time I check the news we’ve lost more civil rights.

Trying to focus what I CAN control and that’s how much literal screaming I can do at a time.

I’m torn between wanting a flat stomach and wanting to eat 5 grilled cheese sandwiches right now.

I do not want a credit score. I want to frolick in the woods and the friend some crows.

when I want to make a huge fucking mess

Explain your username: I was sales rep for Swisher Sweets when I started twitter

BREAKING: Trump will change the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to American oceans 1 and 2

🚨 BREAKING: Mike Johnson pledges to enact Project 2025 in its entirety

God I wish I was dumb enough to be hopeful in 2025.

A brand New Year? In this economy??

“911, what’s you emergency?” -people are pronouncing it ‘expresso’

Have you tried unplugging it and walking away forever to begin a new life under an assumed name

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

My 1000th follower gets a free ball of yarn

i see you posted a joke. here are the facts

Where is the crime TV show about women who snap over stuff like not being able to find something they had two seconds ago

Sometimes I worry that my son's childhood is too happy and he won't be funny when he's older.

I talk a lot of shit for someone with so many crumbs in their bed.

I only want people to tell me how long their baby was if it was over 3 feet

who is the ceo of obscenely bright LED headlights

“This is a mistake” -I whisper as I leave my house

[taking FRIENDS quiz] 7. Which character do you most identify with? ☑️ Ross 8. Which is your least favorite character? ☑️ Ross

imagine a country so furious about drag performers that it voted for polio

i can legally take your salad under imminent romaine

@theironsherk.bsky.social Sherk!!

I’m a feminist but not a “wants to pay for things” feminist

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all of his assets.

I’m only a failure by human standards. if I was a children’s book badger in an apron I’d be like “whoa this house is massive, and I own so many cheeses and jams.”

Step one: Aquire dragons

Life comes at you fast. One minute you’re doing coke off the back of a dive bar toilet and the next you’re excited to have a nuthatch and a titmouse at the feeder at the same time.

claustrophobia is so stupid. let Santa get married.

him: (looking at my scars) wow, how did you get those? me: (knowing they’re from my cat scratching me) war