Almost done boarding and there’s nobody else in my row for a ten hour flight this is what dreams are made of

A second wave of libs has hit bluesky

All my life I knew I wanted to grow up to listen to Steely Dan by the pool

Doing God’s work (teaching the youth of Thailand about Taking Back Sunday)

If you use the same piece of equipment at the gym for an hour straight I should be able to kick you in the balls

Met a Swedish guy at the bar the other night and now we are in a friends with benefits situation except the benefits are we will be liking each others instagram stories for the foreseeable future

Liking her instagram story 38 seconds after being posted in the least creepy way possible

Becoming a better photographer after your ex said you sucked at taking pictures is a form of therapy

Standing with my arms folded and not dancing when the red hot chili peppers song comes on at the bar

What is the point of throw pillows other than for throwing them on the floor

‘The people we have been starving were already quite ill’ is an admission of guilt not a defense.

Don't tread on me. Unless you're the military or police or rich psycho freaks or corporations. But no one else tread on me

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Getting to break out of my funk by meeting up with my bestie in Amsterdam tomorrow, kinda love this life 🥰

Just rawdogged a one hour subway ride. No cell service, no earbuds just pure yearning for the beautiful woman a few seats down.

You know Fall is getting closer when the WNBA dildos are changing colors.

I’m just out here, flying like a butterfly and standing like a bee.

Beating someone to death with an olive branch as a bit

sing us a song, you're the piano man! *harmonica solo starts* wait fuck i think we booked the harmonica man

[concert] singer: (shouting) i can’t hear you me: (shouting back) it’s because of the music

So down bad that a red hot chili peppers song came on shuffle and I didn’t have the motivation to skip it

Listening to tiny dancer before I walk to the bar and I feel invincible

Back on my bullshit again (drinking and listening to dashboard confessional)

Gonna open a restaurant for depressed people where we just sell beer and bags of chips

Eating half a jar of pickled hot peppers is all fun and games until they need to exit your body. I know this now.

Microdosing being a boomer by refusing to use chat gpt

I see you, little sock that wants to forge your own identity and not just follow the pack. I see you

Thinking about getting really into the word “nomenclature”

“Do you want flies with that?”

Ear finally popped after three days while I’m at the airport waiting to board another flight

🇮🇱🇮🇱🇮🇱

From the day I was born I dreamed of being a guy who’d spill mustard on his shirt on the reg

Truly feel blessed to have made it this far in life without knowing what Microsoft teams is

Bathrooms where you pay to use them should have dynamic pricing based on how good the poop is

a religion where they shoot your body out of a cannon when you die

So thankful to have had some authentic British experiences, like hearing a guy on the tube call somebody a wanker

Booing the Costco lady giving out shitty samples

Adding lol to the most depressing text ever so my friend knows I'm fine 😎

One drunk cig can cure the common cold, why is nobody talking about this

The Brits really cooked with beans for breakfast, gotta hand it to them there

Tonight is my eras tour and the eras are 1994 (Definitely Maybe) and 1995 (What’s the Story) Morning Glory

Respecting my heritage by crushing pints of coors light at a pub in London

People think a post is “successful” if it gets a lot of likes but personally I think a post is successful if it reaches just one person and absolutely ruins their day

I'm sorry i can't tell you more about myself. I've had my appendix removed

In Liverpool today, hard to believe that Echo & the Bunnymen and Frankie Goes To Hollywood are BOTH from here

In England they’re called “no sun glasses”

me: i’m going to the bathroom my labrador: excellent idea sir, i’ll join you

England is a great place to visit if you’re super passionate about rain