Pretending to be normal is fucking exhausting

Well shit I stepped away for a few months because my mom died, and then the world freaking imploded Guess it's a good thing I only had one mom

Tornado season in the midwest means sleeping naked is extra risky

Did you know there’s a prize at the end of a tube of Chapstick?

I'm full of nachos and social awkwardness

To be clear: a tariff is a tax.

Why is it that I would consider smothering a snoring human, but a cat snoring is pretty adorable?

4AM and wide awake There will be no springing in my "springing ahead" today

I see the orange shitgibbon is entering his Saruman phase Not that the illiterate mango would know, but the Ents really hated him tearing up the trees

Before my modeling career really took off, I was huge in orthopedic shoe catalogs.

Can’t wait till I’m rich enough to put a weird and unnecessary staircase in my house

I may be a last desperate option, but I'm YOUR last desperate option.

I may be an asshole but at least I’m not bleached.

Livin' la vida lub dub.

Don't be angry with me because I spoke the truth. Be angry with me because I'm an asshole.

I cut myself on the plastic lid of the fruit salad container. That's it, no more healthy eating.

If you don't believe in reproductive rights for women you shouldn't have sex with women.

Building up a banned book library Sometimes they're books I've not read, sometimes just newer printings without my old school notes scribbled in the margins A few books each pay period Slowly filling space on my shelves

One guess why these ended up in the kitchen drawer 🙄

Silver lining: Europe became a Union yesterday. 🇪🇺

On my long list of life's bullshit that irritates me is being allergic to certain kinds of booze Why couldn't I be allergic to goats instead of Heineken and Magners...and champagne...malbec...chardonnay....

2 hour long manager training on being present for folks and actively listening And I'm distracted on social media

Right On...

I just want to be important enough to say “Leave us” to a roomful of people and empty the room

🥣 #justforlaughs #funny #meme

Y’all are invited.

This morning at Dept of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) HQ in DC as mandatory return to office began, this video played on loop for ~5 mins on screens throughout the building, per agency source. Building staff couldn’t figure out how to turn it off so sent people to every floor to unplug TVs.

Dear Europe, Trump completely melts under pushback. So push back.

It's cute how State Farm is giving out craft projects now For the price of increased premiums, you too can cut out, fold, and tape together your insurance cards Bet the cheaper paper saved them a bundle

Dear Dems. This is a reminder that Donald Trump rescinded the ethics rules preventing gifts to executive branch employees. Now would be a good time to propose legislation formalizing the prevention into a law Time to do things that make him react to you. apnews.com/article/trum...

I’m no financial wizard, but whoever’s funding these, “You need to visit the USA,” ads during Canadian NHL broadcasts may want to direct that money literally anywhere else.

I don’t have regrets. I have a collection of poor decisions that I’ve rebranded as “life lessons.

Perks of living in a town with a high Polish population

I pulled myself up from my own bootstraps but turns out I was on a hockey rink and these fuckers on skates live to slam us idiots in boots into the wall

Hundreds gathered downtown Saturday, waving Ukrainian flags and carrying signs that read “Ukraine is not for sale” and “Putin the war criminal” to mark three years since Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"Severed," but for family functions only.

Woke up inching toward oblivion again.

Alexa, tell me it's not my fault.

this apocalypse needs a soundtrack

It feels like people are waking up

Priest: he was best known for inventing the jack in a box, and now a short musical interlude Pallbearer: *starts winding a tiny handle on the side of the coffin*

Preparing for a long, drawn out, Find Out phase of FAFO

Indiana became a state in 1816 Illinois followed in 1818 On the list of some of more wild, performative, state republican shenanigans right now is this hunk of bullshit to redraw the line between IN and IL

My neighbor has been trying to crank his motorcycle since 5AM. I've been trying to decide where to hide his body since 6AM.

I just want to be as optimistic as the rusty motel sign off the old highway that says COLOR TV

Getting rid of Diversity, Equality and Inclusion does Not "restore qualification based hiring.” It only restores people's ability to Deny an Equally or even a more qualified candidate based on background, race, ethnicity, gender, identity, religion etc.. But they know this. That's the point.

KEEP PUSHING! If they won’t do a town hall DEMAND ONE