who else remembers ☝️ The

i dont respect italians people 😀

im starting a new The Opium Wars in america hope you guys dont mind. also buy my fucking opium

Stop saying I did murders

find your inner strength and disavow fear

im like if john fetterman were a girl and also had a soul

in my professional opinion, skin is permeable to swords

guy who has only seen Sonic Boom watching the rise of fascism for the first time "getting major Sonic Boom vibes from this"

(upon being caught by a security guard) oh its nothing dude, im just infiltrating the place. carry on with your honourable, and frankly magnificent, duties

Garfield is utterly powerless when the summer solstice is on a Monday. His enemies (Odie, Nermal, Bill Murray) are plotting something big for 2027.

Who says you can't have premium furniture at a great low price? Me, bitch. I'll end you if you try that shit.

Paleontologists are dirty fucking liars and excavation is a practice of the ludicrously deranged. Every good thing lives in plain sight, right on the surface, where almighty God can keep an eye on things.

Large Moon Of Health.. Crazy What It Done To My Wellnesses. Love That.

(guy who is genuinely scared) what that booty do

the 4th world war was a global conflict fought between september 2109 and january 2110. official estimates place the number of casualties at around 215, accounting for nearly 80% of the world's population at that time. following the war, the yen would emerge as the world's primary reserve currency

I’m not TAILGATING I’m PLEASING MYSELF to your TRUCK NUTS

sure

unironically anyone who comments on onion posts with some variation of "this isn't satire its just real news" should be banned from the internet. it's an incredibly effective litmus test for annoying people

[shark tank pitch] what if there was butt plug that was also a selfie stick?

shrimp powered by pure peanut butter

my opinion? fuck calgary, fuck utah, fuck the french alps, we can get a lot done if we crack down on those 3 places

ive decided to end racism

Can't resist the #purple #chemicals in my #water! It makes it taste #delectable.

breaking: verizon attempts coup against gods of mt. olympus, ceo dan schulman smited

asking if they do a kamaʻāina discount at a denny's in reno

ive acquired funding to open a gold mine in the suburbs of madrid. highly unlikely we'll find anything, but this isn't an exact science

primary weakness of the antichrist is "mediocre baseball skill" - keep this in mind

During the New Atheism boom of the aughts I gained some renown with my stunt "Atheist Outlasts Jonah Inside a Whale". I spent over five days inside a whale, and made a point not to pray once. I had to be resuscitated seven times, the mainstream press mostly ignored my achievement.

what’s going on

i would kill spongebob if iran asked me to

My therapist (a garden gnome powered by the Amazon customer service chatbot) says you’re a toxic presence in my life so I should cut off all contact and subscribe to Prime

trump: *is the most prolific liar in history* libs: that guy's the most prolific liar in history. we shouldn't trust what he says trump: im omnipotent and will explode california using only my mind libs: holy shit he's omnipotent and will explode california using only his mind im pissing my pants

"Outback Steakhouse: No Rules, Just Right" replaced an earlier slogan, "Outback Steakhouse: Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law"

fuck ice bro i just slipped and fell so hard

We’ve all fallen on hard times

once i become president + extort a bunch of money from billionaires + buy walmart im renaming arkansas "gay village"

idk why japan doesnt have nuclear weapons you can literally just buy one at don quijote

oscar temaru, mayor of faʼaʼā, french polynesia since 1983, will one day head the world government. so it is decreed

left or rite rich or poor every one has to play nice on ebay maybe ebay should run this country

Doing things to piss off imaginary people is not a hobby I understand. I mean, I don't get running or camping either but I can see why other people might.

going on a fuckass quest

Love seeing posts that make it clear that the user has immersed themselves in a realm of online discourse that nobody else has even heard of, let alone cares about, so they’ll say things like “I’m so tired of everyone saying that it’s somehow misogynistic for trans women to own jet skis 🙄”

Followers of this account know I was set to appear on Mr Beast Games show on Amazon Prime Video. However, when I arrived on-set, a chain reaction of whispers rippled through the crowd: "Hey that guy should be Mr Beast." "That guy is the real Mr Beast." Needless to say, Mr Beast was not pleased.

Legalise Obama Resurrect JFK Demonetise the Catholic Church Explore the Deep Sea Trenches Eat Mercury Every Goddam DAY

Like this tweet if dracula’s reign will last forever

the quran seems to have gotten quite popular in islamic regions of the world