I was a low-level courtier in the orangutan King Louie's court. He kept me around because he liked the status of having a human subject, but I wasn't respected because I couldn't make fire, I thought I knew how, but I didn't. I was also no good at jazz, no musical talent.

Being a bisexual emperor must be the most stressful shit in the world. You go to the inner palace and your wives are scheming. You go to the outer court and the male concubines that you promoted to viziers are fighting. Your wife just poisoned your favorite twink eunuch. There’s no peace

Professional golfer Robert "The Big Decent" Carter has managed to retain his PGA card for an unbelievable 42nd year. The 64-year-old, who has not won on tour since the 1997 BMW Championship, says he hasn't liked the sport for decades and would quit if his "daddy allowed it".

Professional golfer Robert "The Big Decent" Carter has managed to retain his PGA card for an unbelievable 42nd year. The 64-year-old, who has not won on tour since the 1997 BMW Championship, says he hasn't liked the sport for decades and would quit if his "daddy allowed it".

Having two different family members of your aged neighbour tell you the old broad "had a bit of a crush" on you at the funeral, and being visibly pissed off about missing your chance the remainder of the ceremony and week.

Girlfriend made me write "Just because you meet a horse with no given name does not mean it is necessarily the one from the song, do further research before paying for a photo." twenty times on the whiteboard she uses for mood boarding.

Former Water Valley Primary School class clown Timothy Smith says legendary classroom game "Fart Wars" could not be played in today's climate. The financier and former Reform UK candidate for Putney says "Woke killed flatulence, comedy, and 'braveness in boys'".

Former Water Valley Primary School class clown Timothy Smith says legendary classroom game "Fart Wars" could not be played in today's climate. The financier and former Reform UK candidate for Putney says "Woke killed flatulence, comedy, and 'braveness in boys'".

I asked AI how to satisfy my wife in the bedroom, the first time I applied the provided tips my wife enjoyed it and said "This is as good as with Gary, I won't need him anymore". I wasn't aware of Gary, and suspect he was using AI as well, though I couldn't bring that up. Exciting new tech.

My aunt never quite accepted that my uncle's headstone led with "Xerox's man in Albania," and only then continued "Father, Husband, Commander." but it wasn't her who paid for it, and it wasn't the Navy, for all their efforts, who ultimately got him killed. A company man.

I love how focused professional association football are on the good looks of other players. I don't know that there is any other field of life where heterosexual men speak so frequently and effusively of each other's physical beauty and "film star looks". Wonderful.

I wish two separate anonymous "awful but not evil guy I dated" essays written about me between 2016-2018 didn't mention that I made the author watch "The Tourist" (2010), and it was clearly a test. Mostly because I can no longer strongly suggest watching "The Tourist" (2010) to dates.

My Alma Mater is not allowing me to sign up for the mentorship program anymore "due to a persistent habit of molding students into 'squires'". It's absolute bullshit, I've consistently received positive feedback from mentees. Jimmy is at Apple, Laura is at EY, both capable equestrians now.

Technically I did meet my wife in the comments of a Facebook post my mom made saying if someone married me they would get a Kitchen Aid stand mixer as a dowry, but obviously it wasn't like that. She made a joke, I responded. And we only got the Kitchen Aid much later, much later.

The Andorran Mob loves to do stuff like send you pictures of their tickets to Helsinki and say "We only missed the flight by 90min, you have to be lucky every time, we only have to be lucky once." I replied "More like unorganized crime." and they sent me the water gun emoji.

Anxious Joe was bemoaning that "If you're in a room of people and you don't know who the sucker is, chances are it's you" until I asked "What like a lollipop?" and he seemed to calm himself a little, almost like an antelope realising they too can hunt and kill. Scary stuff for some talk of sweets.

My aunt never quite accepted that my uncle's headstone led with "Xerox's man in Albania," and only then continued "Father, Husband, Commander." but it wasn't her who paid for it, and it wasn't the Navy, for all their efforts, who ultimately got him killed. A company man.

Anxious Joe was bemoaning that "If you're in a room of people and you don't know who the sucker is, chances are it's you" until I asked "What like a lollipop?" and he seemed to calm himself a little, almost like an antelope realising they too can hunt and kill. Scary stuff for some talk of sweets.

Attempting to reconnect with my estranged siblings after seven years because my joke about the news has gotten absolutely nothing in two group texts and the neighbourhood info chat, and I am quickly running out of people it is even vaguely appropriate for me to send direct messages to.

The guy I hired to advise me in Fantasy Premier League has started sleeping with my wife, which is not what I pay him for! It has also caused real issues with the guy I do pay to sleep with my wife, he is absolutely refusing any pay cuts. I am third in my league though.

I understand it's all for entertainment and most of these are a little fake, but they went too far with the "Brian May hears Queen for the first time" video. He was in the band, for god's sake, it is simply unbelievable he would ask "who is this?" while bobbing his head.

The guy I hired to advise me in Fantasy Premier League has started sleeping with my wife, which is not what I pay him for! It has also caused real issues with the guy I do pay to sleep with my wife, he is absolutely refusing any pay cuts. I am third in my league though.

All I'm saying is that as a woman with three adopted children and no adopted pets, who proudly wears an "Adopt don't Shop" t-shirt most days, I felt the need to confirm that Tina wasn't under the impression most people bought their kids. And I think she might have been, but yes, it wasn't my place.

I always thought coach was alright, but I really came to respect him after he still gave Stephens just as much playing time, despite catching him with his wife. Coach cared about winning, so Stephens played. There might be a U in cuckold, but there's no I in team. A man of principle.

I don't think the local paper "had" to print my result in the race as "also walked". Nobody would have batted an eye if they said "also ran" like they did for the participants who finished 4th to 19th. It wasn't about journalistic ethics. It was a choice.

People online simply must stop making video essays about my wife. No this is not just about the ones that are focused on how weird it is she has "settled" for me. All of them must stop, the ones about her "quirky sexual humour", her "aura" and her hands. She is not a public individual, no more.

The young prosecutor has really messed up by introducing the security camera footage of me stealing pears as a "long-form video", it has obviously turned off the jury, they hate him. The video is only two minutes long! Good thing too, because I definitely stole those pears.

Lonely, childless imp does magical work to save someone's life, has an honest agreement for compensation with no gotchas, and then gets spied on by the very person he helped and winds up with nothing

I don't feel as comfortable speaking about my Jacobite sympathies when I haven't been exercising or otherwise don't feel put together. I don't want people to think that that's what a Jacobite is like. My therapist calls this "a complex form of self hatred", but I think I'm a pretty simple guy.

I don't respect anyone who started critiquing my method of having work done on my face (all procedures started at once, but in seven stages covering seven horizontal zones, left to right) AFTER I went broke midway. Obviously I'm ghoulish currently. No bets accepted after the game ends.

Trying to comfort my friend, who is having a hard time, by explaining that Thomas the Tank Engine did not appear until the second book in The Railway Series. I display such an intense teary-eyed sincerity that while I do not make her feel better, it is the main thing she thinks about at my funeral.

They'll say it's my controversial political opinions that led them to ban me from Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, but they've been looking for a reason for five years. My technique is simply "too gross and sexual", anything I might have said about the House of Windsor is a convenient excuse.

The man from the private investment firm chuckled when he saw the painting of my fellow founding members of the woodshop and I in the style of a group portrait of a Dutch Schutterij, he then asked whether "we had been in fast company?" I told him we respected sex workers, but did not frequent them.

I asked AI how to satisfy my wife in the bedroom, the first time I applied the provided tips my wife enjoyed it and said "This is as good as with Gary, I won't need him anymore". I wasn't aware of Gary, and suspect he was using AI as well, though I couldn't bring that up. Exciting new tech.

Sometimes when I'm on a long bus ride the bus driver will get on the microphone and invite a few people, often "single hunnies between 27-38", to come up and have a look around the cockpit. I've been called up twice. It's nice, they show you the steering wheel and often give you a kiss on the cheek.

We were complaining with the other abductees about the guys who put us in big burlap sacks and took us to the island, almost everyone had gone and all the good insults had been used by the time it was my turn, so I said the bag men were "fucking hipsters". No one agreed, I don't think they like me.

I've only ever knowingly engaged in gaslighting once. In 2012 I attended a wedding in West Virginia, wanting to fit in I rubbed lots of coal dust on my face before the ceremony. Couldn't wash it off and spent the evening replying "I have no idea what you're talking about" to questions about it.

People have complicated feelings about sherpas, and that's understandable. But to be fair I hire a local guide everywhere I go. I once visited Dayton, Ohio, and let "Josh", lead my party. He seemed to be continuously a little hungover, and was on his phone a lot. But such wisdom.

Buddy of mine asked for the AUX cord during a dinner party to play "the best version of The Thong Song", and I must say it was a good version of the song. Afterwards his phone auto-played daily voice notes going back months, all of him reminding himself to keep his affair secret.

I don't love that "read and write" has become such a package deal. They're two separate skill sets and while they might sometimes compliment each other, knowing how to do one is way better than not knowing how to do either. Specialization is perhaps the future?

I love this Big Philosophy Creatine so much I continued being a brand ambassador for them even after I learned being a brand ambassador does not shield you from having to pay your parking tickets. I may not have diplomatic immunity, but I do have big arms and a few thousand left to pay the city.

HR has told me outright that I am not allowed to tell the applicant for Assistant Manager that he wasn't picked because he came to the interview wearing a Sons of Anarchy motorcycle "cut." So I didn't reply to his email asking for feedback.

Guy in an "Only God Can Judge Me" shirt leaving a courthouse looking very disappointed.

I hate it when my wife describes our wedding as an "unmitigated disaster", I tackled the second streaker before he even made it into the church, and her maid of honour basically put out most of the third fire. It was an awful, tragic day, but mitigation was objectively performed.

It's really insensitive when people assume that just because you peaked in high school you were a popular amateur athlete or tremendously successful with the opposite sex, it's valid to have been a pretty annoying doofus and to have objectively only gone down since. You can claim it.

I wish the people who recited my poetry in short form videos online wouldn't be so aggressive about letting the viewer know they are doing so to mock me. If your performance is good that'll come across, no need to add (MAYBE THE WORST ONE YET!) or (DISGUSTING METAPHORS) to the title.

I wish the people who recited my poetry in short form videos online wouldn't be so aggressive about letting the viewer know they are doing so to mock me. If your performance is good that'll come across, no need to add (MAYBE THE WORST ONE YET!) or (DISGUSTING METAPHORS) to the title.

I was a week late sending the deliverables to the guys from BCG, so at our next in-person catch-up Sally threw a 86mph fastball at my shoulder. My colleagues got up, but no one did anything, didn't want to escalate the situation. Kind of impressed at Sally's arm.

Recently ran into the Devil and he was wearing a 1993 Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl ring and gold medal from Montreal 1976, with a gaudy tracksuit. I happen to know he also has UCI rainbow piping on the cuffs of all his cycling jerseys. Obviously not the worst thing about him, but distasteful.