Watching the last scene of BABE to get hyped up before a heavy workout

I supplanted parental love with a zealous Greek Orthodox faith, that unnerved my agnostic Protestant folks. I left the church at sixteen after beating The Reverend Giorgos in a duel to first blood. Giorgos was a fool but devout, a fair God would have favoured him.

My father knew he wanted a child the day his impotent brother won The Amateur Championship. He would have something my uncle could never have. My mother agreed to a child as she felt it would make her criticism of other women's motherhood more credible. They dressed me well.

There is a village in Slovenia with a goat that can speak English. But you're going to be disappointed. The novelty wears off quickly and the goat is just an annoying guy. He recites complaints about plot holes in movies he clearly saw online, and is consistently weird about women.

Before youth football games I will find the star of the home team, and tell him with tears in my eyes that I gamble, that I have everything riding on this game, and I need him to win. Then I tell the away squad's ace the same story. Never bet in my life, love to witness excellence.

wife: honey, ronnie's wife texted me that at the bachelor party you scooped out all your insides and replace them with clockwork parts to become the clockwork boy? (deafening ratcheting and clanking noises as my legs turn 180 degrees from my torso) me: ronnie's wife is a liar

I don't do a lot of personal posts, but obviously a lot of you know I'm a huge RangeGoats GC fan and I thought I should say something. I love this team, I didn't get a Saudi PIF tattoo, I got a RangeGoats GC tattoo, real fans stay loyal. Still a Peter Uihlein guy, LIV to the moon. Go RangeGoats!

Before youth football games I will find the star of the home team, and tell him with tears in my eyes that I gamble, that I have everything riding on this game, and I need him to win. Then I tell the away squad's ace the same story. Never bet in my life, love to witness excellence.

For two months in 2022 I was the Head of Programming at streamer TRMS (Tiramisu without the vowels). We were supposed to be focused on original high-end cooking shows, but the money guys immediately insisted we burn our budget on the rights of season five of Big Bang Theory (apparently the best one)

Petting the rough of my own neck with one rugged, strong hand while I say "easy, boy, easy" between bites of a carrot. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. A child might say it is unfair my horse has me pet us both, but then the horse never jumps on my back. Different strengths.

ME: Ah, but one of us only lies and the other tells only the truth! OTHER GUY: (to the adventures) He does this every time. You guys can just go in

My left hand, a famous lout and layabout who contributes little to my body, has contracted a flesh eating bacteria. The rest of my body has warned the arm several times it must deal with this. It has not reacted. My right hand, an industrious individual, has no other recourse than to beat the fool.

So when I saw a children’s book called Muumilaakson salapoliisit (literally: Moomin Valley’s Secret Police) I mentioned to finnish friends how crazy I thought it was to sell children a book about the secret police and they all laughed at me. Apparently it means detective. Guess I’m the idiot

Mistakes have a nasty habit of leading to other mistakes. My friend mispronounced 'Uighur' when inviting me to the restaurant (his mistake), I arrived dressed exactly like Jamie Kennedy in Malibu's Most Wanted (my mistake).

Sometimes after work my boss Dr. Jones will ask me to go out for drinks with him. Before we enter the bar he always slips me a hundred dollar bill, and then once inside I get every other round. He pretty much exclusively addresses me as "pal" at the bar, sometimes he experiments with "buddy".

People have to stop calling me a "performative male" for spending my afternoons on city patios with my copy of "The King of Content: Sumner Redstone's Battle for Viacom, CBS, and Everlasting Control of His Media Empire."

There is a village in Slovenia with a goat that can speak English. But you're going to be disappointed. The novelty wears off quickly and the goat is just an annoying guy. He recites complaints about plot holes in movies he clearly saw online, and is consistently weird about women.

My great-uncle tasked me and seven other young men he judged to be "trustworthy virgins" to go around with spoons at his funeral and collect the tears of his family members. His estate was then divided up based on how much each person cried, assuming they didn't cry too much, a sign of weakness.

My only brush with fame was appearing in the background of a few scenes of two reality stars' vacation sex tape. I just happened to be on holiday with them. In one scene they are filming themselves making out on a yacht and you can hear me talking about how "fruit is better here".

Wow, thanks so much for showing me this "Art". Just what I needed - to be drawn more deeply into the World of Illusion.

I was a large lad, and had no extraordinary talent for academics, so wrestling seemed a fine way to earn my daily bread. I did not appreciate them claiming I hailed from "parts unknown", I was proud to grow up in Saint Joseph's Orphanage for Sizeable Boys, but the promoters thought it a mouthful.

The two periods of questionable mental health I have had were the six months I understood myself to be roommates with the Pink Panther cartoon, and the minor breakdown I had when I received a cheque six years later from the Panther for two months unpaid rent. I cashed it. I was unwell, not crazy.

I was a large lad, and had no extraordinary talent for academics, so wrestling seemed a fine way to earn my daily bread. I did not appreciate them claiming I hailed from "parts unknown", I was proud to grow up in Saint Joseph's Orphanage for Sizeable Boys, but the promoters thought it a mouthful.

The two periods of questionable mental health I have had were the six months I understood myself to be roommates with the Pink Panther cartoon, and the minor breakdown I had when I received a cheque six years later from the Panther for two months unpaid rent. I cashed it. I was unwell, not crazy.

When I was sixteen a naval recruiter asked me whether I fancied myself a "strong lad"? I told him I didn't fancy myself at all, only person I fancied was Molly from two farms over, but she never even looked at me on account of me father's sheep thieving. Navy man nodded and left.

I find it insulting when somewhat charismatic depressive alcoholics online post photos of me in the background of the three differently motivated coups I took part in, and ask "Why'd everyone want homie around?" I was a fun guy, people liked my energy off the bench, I didn't step on any toes.

Before yoghurt came along, it was impossible to eat milk because it was far too loose. Nowadays, the average punter will eat about a kilo of yoghurt per day.

Ppallo's Basilisk is a cute little reptile guy. He allows the local children to pull his tail once every summer, producing little fireworks from his mouth. Old people enjoy his company, as his mere presence provides a feeling of serene vitality.

the lady ahead of me in line was discussing her vacation plans with the postmaster and then when she wrapped up he was like "where's my kiss?" and they kissed and she turned to everyone else and said "he's my ex" and everyone was like aww

I find it insulting when somewhat charismatic depressive alcoholics online post photos of me in the background of the three differently motivated coups I took part in, and ask "Why'd everyone want homie around?" I was a fun guy, people liked my energy off the bench, I didn't step on any toes.

Dinner again yesterday. The cousin was dressed as Vegeta when he wore the pink shirt, but got frustrated it wasn't getting a reaction, left, and came back twenty minutes later as Kid Buu. Brantford, Cecily's fourth favourite out of four, did his best though, he is "considering joining Band".

(losing sight of what really matters) Family and friends are wack, y'all.

🙊when you see 🫣 someone driving 🚙 without driving gloves 🧤 and it's like.... how often do you wash the wheel? 🤢

I attended the most recent funeral of my friend who keeps faking his own death. A woman got up and said she would miss him and that he had "a certain kitsch appeal as a lover". Another woman agreed, a little later a guy who looked like my friend, but with a beard, spoke and said "he was a stallion".

There is often confusion from outsiders between the Flagship of our friend group, and the Primus inter pares. It's pretty simple, Primus inter pares is the big dog of the group who has earned their place as most senior among equals. The Flagship is whoever is head honcho at one time.

For a long time I suspected my family was involved with the mob, but it turns out a lot of my father's relatives and friends are just very comfortable touching the face of a child when talking to them, and prefer the comfort of track suits.

For a long time I suspected my family was involved with the mob, but it turns out a lot of my father's relatives and friends are just very comfortable touching the face of a child when talking to them, and prefer the comfort of track suits.

Two gentlemen at work got into a tussle as they discovered they were both dating an AI chat bot based on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. An unseemly sight. I sided with the colleague who didn't proudly claim "her boobs are even bigger than on the show", he should be allowed to resign, and save face.

Explaining the concept of a "manic pixie dream girl" to a rapidly angering group of kobolds. One of them is doing an aggressive jig to clear the air after the mere mention of pixies. Bringing up "(500) Days of Summer" was an unforced error on my part admittedly.

When i was 11 or 12 there was a set of identical twin girls in town who everyone fancied. You had to have a favourite twin. It was like Blur vs Oasis except less acrimonious, because even if you preferred Twin A to Twin B, they were still, you know, identical twins

Guy in a "Free V-Nasty" t-shirt explaining to me what is wrong with kids these days.

In 2016 as part of the Panama papers, an email thread discussing tax evasion, and hip-hop, that I was involved in leaked. And genuinely, it's crazy all the coverage focused on me putting each member of Three Loco separately in my top five, and not me outright stating "Not gonna hide my money guys."

"Bring ye news from the river?" the stoat asked holding his cane and hat. "Still babbling" I responded. This caused immediate unease and panic in the tavern, all creatures large and small started mumbling and making plans. I realised I was thinking of the brook, but didn't want to seem a fool.

The defense is demanding I be removed from the jury as I keep nodding whenever the prosecution speaks, and have accepted several cubes of cheese from the DA's palm. As if some cheddar could sway me. I'm like Judy Collins I see both sides now, and going forward.

When I was sixteen a naval recruiter asked me whether I fancied myself a "strong lad"? I told him I didn't fancy myself at all, only person I fancied was Molly from two farms over, but she never even looked at me on account of me father's sheep thieving. Navy man nodded and left.

Two different people my godfather had met over the years had exclaimed "Damn, who's the buxom brunette!" just before they dropped dead. And while he said he was sad to go, I could tell there was some part of him a little excited to catch a glimpse at the Grim Lady's curvature.

There has been some issues with management, and to calm everything down the employees were allowed to vote for our new slogan. The official suggestion was "Quality Parts, Quick Service", but the 90s WCW catchphrase "Where the Big Boys Play" won the popular vote in a landslide.

Had a very worrying visit from Archangel Gabriel over the weekend. He told me that any time one of God's children watches something with visual value from a smaller screen, when there is a larger screen they could access next to them, they distance themselves from the kingdom of heaven. Distressing.

I'm known in gambling circles as "the only man to ever lose money on scratchers", to be clear I lost money manufacturing scratchers. My worst performing product was "Klaus Kinski's Millions", available exclusively in New Mexico, twelve were ever sold, nine of them winners.