If my wife wants to say that my boss kissing me on the cheek every morning is "his thing" rather than something he just does, whatever, fine. But I draw the line at her claiming him calling me "slugger" is "part of it". I'm slugger because I hit metaphorical homers for the company, no other reason!

Taddy won't float my Pokémon card trading fund another 5 million, even though it's widely known he has half a yard from the Qataris. I'm starting to get that sickly feeling you get when you imagine poverty, my therapist calls it a "growth", and I agree it is akin to a tumour.

If you're not sleepy, you're not paying attention

A question many readers have asked after reading "Evil Up Close: The Rise of the Triarchy and the End of the 100 Year Peace" is "couldn't you have done more as one of the Triarchs?" But you have to understand that 33% is not a lot of all the power to have, and I had some anxiety at the time.

Dame Judi Dench is starring in a new Taylor Sheridan show on Paramount+ titled "Thoroughfare Queen". In the first episode she beds Scott Eastwood and beats a local corrupt politician with a whiskey bottle for going against her "big road project".

Dame Judi Dench is starring in a new Taylor Sheridan show on Paramount+ titled "Thoroughfare Queen". In the first episode she beds Scott Eastwood and beats a local corrupt politician with a whiskey bottle for going against her "big road project".

One very cold winter I disguised myself as a sheep and spent the frigid months living among the small flock of a nunnery. By February I suspected they must have caught on to my ruse, but were playing along out of Christian charity. Not the case, they hit me hard with sticks when they found out.

Three things can be true, I have more self control around food now than I did before, I have a less adversarial relationship with the backyard sprinklers than I did before, and it was at the very least incredibly rude for my wife to hire Cesar Millan to train a human husband.

Both my mother and my ex-fiancée send me articles about coming out of the closet later in life like twice a month, often they will be like "beautiful prose", or "funny name on author". But I rarely find the names that funny or the prose that notable. Strange.

Taddy won't float my Pokémon card trading fund another 5 million, even though it's widely known he has half a yard from the Qataris. I'm starting to get that sickly feeling you get when you imagine poverty, my therapist calls it a "growth", and I agree it is akin to a tumour.

"As a high libido individual I can't relate to panda bears, give me an ursid that fucks!" Holding two fingers to my forehead like Professor X to telepathically communicate "I agree but you're scaring the ladies at the table" to my buddy.

"As a high libido individual I can't relate to panda bears, give me an ursid that fucks!" Holding two fingers to my forehead like Professor X to telepathically communicate "I agree but you're scaring the ladies at the table" to my buddy.

Our local councilman took my fiancée for himself through eminent domain. They're very happy together, Laura has a glow to her that has replaced the slightly grey complexion she often exhibited when still with me. I suppose you can't fight the state.

(talking to friends after finding my wax wings have totally melted into a puddle on the floor of my garage over the weekend, just like everyone told me was gonna happen) yea nah they actually worked a little TOO good

Thinking about the t-shirt in an ugly brownish yellow, that said "Work Is The Curse Of The Drinking Class", which I purchased when I was 14 on an EU sponsored trip to Portugal.

Guy breaks into tears on Antiques Roadshow as he learns his 1990s Japanese body pillow of a sexualised cat-girl in vaguely fascist military dress is worth upwards of 1700 dollars.

In the early 2010s I was a successful up-and-coming socialite in the United States, but my burgeoning career was sabotaged by my nemesis who would show up at my soirées and tell people I had invited Lake Bell, but she had decided not to come. It was a simple but devastating strategy.

While I of course love a public forum, it will be good to have a spot just for Jacobites. Sometimes you just want to vent with fellows, and the odd lass, of your own persuasion.

My maternal uncle was a professional coin flipper, he played anyone who'd play him, saw tens of thousands coins fly in the air, had a win percentage of 56.5%. It's one of the great achievements in human history, but no one with any charisma was ever impressed. They didn't understand.

My maternal uncle was a professional coin flipper, he played anyone who'd play him, saw tens of thousands coins fly in the air, had a win percentage of 56.5%. It's one of the great achievements in human history, but no one with any charisma was ever impressed. They didn't understand.

I only made the mistake of calling a hare on a quest a "Task Rabbit" once. Boingo the Fearless carries my left big toe around his neck for luck, and I carry with me a newfound respect for lagomorph swordsmen.

I might surprise you here, but I actually think the press had been remarkably fair towards the Ethical Child Beauty Pageants initiative. Almost every story admits that the pageants are probably marginally more ethical before focusing on if this was worth 500 million in government funding.

I might surprise you here, but I actually think the press had been remarkably fair towards the Ethical Child Beauty Pageants initiative. Almost every story admits that the pageants are probably marginally more ethical before focusing on if this was worth 500 million in government funding.

In this changing media landscape independent media must find new ways to keep the lights on. It is true that the premium feed of my podcast on the EU "E-You" comes with two extra episodes a month and one free brief text review of an explicit picture, more crudely described as a "dickrate".

Bill Simmons is describing a deal on his podcast where my wife leaves me for her childhood sweetheart, who has turned his life around, and he keeps asking "who says no?". I do! I am trying to call in frantically, but apparently the show is prerecorded? How does Bill even have this information?

Bill Simmons is describing a deal on his podcast where my wife leaves me for her childhood sweetheart, who has turned his life around, and he keeps asking "who says no?". I do! I am trying to call in frantically, but apparently the show is prerecorded? How does Bill even have this information?

I sat down my goddaughter after she turned ten and showed her the 1988 Kentucky Derby, won by Winning Colors, and told her afterwards with a grave seriousness that "ladies can do anything". Her mother wanted to offer some context afterwards, but seemed to appreciate the sentiment.

Dentist was telling me yesterday I should really get the two cavities in my lower abdomen checked out. I swear to god everyone's an ultracrepidarian these days. Also like tell me you don't have the courage to duel with rapiers without telling me.

I employ a simple and unpleasant portly schemer in a minor back of house role, as I am a firm believer that there should be jobs for all. This summer he has got his own trainee. A younger but equally odious and dumb would-be-Napoleon, mentorship is important to our organisation.

Due to a combination of an easy charm, privilege, and a poor interpersonal memory I don't believe I have ever had an enemy. I've most likely met malice in my time, but from fools, and I would never respect a fool enough to give them such space in my imagination.

Incredible

"So you were like an extra?" No living human being is "extra", listen to yourself. I was simply not the child "in play". Went hitchhiking for a summer when I was fourteen, father wrote me a blank check for me to come back if I was in trouble or to "start something new".

I had a pretty chill childhood as I was a provisional kid. By the time he was 8, it became apparent my brother might be a bad egg, so my parents declared they would play a provisional and had me. Brother turned it around by twelve, so pressure was off me.

People argue with me describing my childhood home as an "older modest single family dwelling", but they genuinely published a book on the manors of the city in the '80s and the estate (technical term, doesn't imply fanciness) was not mentioned. So it's literally not a manor house.

For two years between 2019-2021 when these things were still getting funded I was the "house bro" on a feminist internet news network. It was pretty chill, I didn't have to do any research beforehand. They almost preferred it when I didn't.

For two years between 2019-2021 when these things were still getting funded I was the "house bro" on a feminist internet news network. It was pretty chill, I didn't have to do any research beforehand. They almost preferred it when I didn't.

I am always meeting my bookie at stunning locations that are personally meaningful to me and telling him “If you gotta kill me, this is where I want to die” and he's always like “You only owe around 200€, if you don’t pay, I’ll just take your bike or something, calm down.”

We took out our mortgage from Robust Ricky, the local loan shark, he is a tremendously heavy man who almost never leaves his beautifully decorated lounge. Despite his immobility he dresses in fine suits. His rates are bad, but you have to support local business if you want to keep it around.

I can tell the local news anchors are not supporters of mine as they never introduce me as "member of parliament" rather they use my early 2010s online moniker "Ethical Horndog". Otherwise the questions are fair but it is notable.

Dentist was telling me yesterday I should really get the two cavities in my lower abdomen checked out. I swear to god everyone's an ultracrepidarian these days. Also like tell me you don't have the courage to duel with rapiers without telling me.

Top end Pétanque is famously opposed to professionalism in any form. I am disparaged for having a wealthy benefactor whose support allows me to tour. Most of the high-end players have a benefactor, but they trade sexual favours for the financial support, as befits a gentleman amateur.

Top end Pétanque is famously opposed to professionalism in any form. I am disparaged for having a wealthy benefactor whose support allows me to tour. Most of the high-end players have a benefactor, but they trade sexual favours for the financial support, as befits a gentleman amateur.

Arnold Palmer could have used his skill with the golf ball to hunt people, to harm them. But he didn't, he competed under fair nonviolent rules, and entertained millions. And for that society thanks him.

“The Elder Scrolls” is what they say about you when you’re on your phone!

Someone born in '91 fundamentally drinks coffee differently from someone born in '82. You are not like the old, nor were you ever like the young. If you were perhaps objectively once young it was different. Meaningfully so.

I'm worried people aren't focused enough on what arbitrary "generational" cohort they belong to and aren't ascribing enough habits to those generational categories. There is no universality or shared experience. We are more different than alike.

If your document contains any allegories, double meanings, or oblique allusions, be sure to save it in the Rich Text Format (.rtf)

Watching the last scene of BABE to get hyped up before a heavy workout

I supplanted parental love with a zealous Greek Orthodox faith, that unnerved my agnostic Protestant folks. I left the church at sixteen after beating The Reverend Giorgos in a duel to first blood. Giorgos was a fool but devout, a fair God would have favoured him.

My father knew he wanted a child the day his impotent brother won The Amateur Championship. He would have something my uncle could never have. My mother agreed to a child as she felt it would make her criticism of other women's motherhood more credible. They dressed me well.