I started swigging bathtub gin with meals and cohabitating with my partner of nine years in the same week, on a whim and under heavy consistent pressure respectively. The gin drinking is going really well, living together is causing heavy headaches and bouts of temporary blindness though.

I keep trying to lower the volume on the five hour A Song of Ice and Fire lore video I am listening to as it is becoming more and more clear my wife is telling me she is leaving with the kid. But the volume just keeps getting louder. The speakers are yelling about House Durrandon, she's crying now.

A question many readers have asked after reading "Evil Up Close: The Rise of the Triarchy and the End of the 100 Year Peace" is "couldn't you have done more as one of the Triarchs?" But you have to understand that 33% is not a lot of all the power to have, and I had some anxiety at the time.

I heard an emo/pop punk song at the gym that I swear sounded like this

A question many readers have asked after reading "Evil Up Close: The Rise of the Triarchy and the End of the 100 Year Peace" is "couldn't you have done more as one of the Triarchs?" But you have to understand that 33% is not a lot of all the power to have, and I had some anxiety at the time.

Sometimes up and coming female rappers will date me for a short while to inspire songs in the genre that can only be called "My ex was a buster, who I do not respect music". I like it, I consider myself a muse, though other muses do not accept me among their ranks.

Muggers should offer you something in return for your stuff. Obviously it would be of a lesser monetary value, I'm not an idiot. But why not take your wallet and jewels and give you some roast potatoes? Or even like a cool rock?

My partner's father described me as a "landless vagrant" in a tirade about how butter isn't as good as it used to be, I didn't respond as my partner immediately shot me a look. I do own a fifth of a cottage with my three brothers and the pastor. It's only 20% of a 20% share, but still.

[My executor] and to Science, I leave my body, save for... ah... my "schlong," which I leave to the Houskeeper, Eunice. [The room gasps and begins to chatter, my wife looks HUMILIATED and Eunice smiles with an air of extreme superiority]

After being impressed by the protective properties and visual look of the patina I was able to produce on a carbon steel knife, I spent a few weeks sleeping while slathered with mustard myself. It was less successful, I lost one fiancée and gained no cool patterns.

Two hours after Ben accidentally butt dialled me while having sex with my wife, he posted a picture of a single McDonald’s cheeseburger with the caption “highlight of my day.” That almost hurt more. How was fucking my wife not the highlight of your day Ben!

James is telling us a pretty distressing story about his tall wife, but even when talking about very questionable behaviour he can't help but mention her height. He'll be like"..Timmy's in the back seat and I think she's black out drunk, which at 6'1" takes some doing, and the kid is crying..."

"God your body was made for fucking!" "Actually ma'am you will find that the good doctor designed me for the purpose of remembering passwords and slicing cheese in an efficient manner, any other skills are an afterthought, but I am glad you are enjoying yourself."

Your Honour, I really would prefer that we stop referring to my client as "Reprehensible Jim". Yes I recognise it is his legal name your Honour.

My uncle left me, his strongest nephew, fifty men and a glorious ship to find his treasure. He left my cousin, his most cunning nephew, a fine stallion and twenty gold pieces to aid him. And unluckily he left my foolish brother, who he was kind to, a broken compass. Idiot. It doesn't point north!

My neighbour has two comments hotkeyed on his computer Tab + X for "I guess there just is no room for love or attraction anymore?" and Tab + C for "People like this should be shot", if he accidentally presses the wrong one he doesn't correct it as he says "God intervened".

My therapist suggested I mark people I don't trust and who mean to harm me with a small strip of masking tape, so I remember this about them immediately when I encounter them. It has not been going well. She has the best Yelp reviews of any therapist in her swamp, but it is a small swamp.

My father taught me to raise my sword before I raise my voice, “there is diplomacy and if it fails, there is action, yelling is part of neither” he would say. He’s in prison now of course, this is sadly not a time for men of such convictions.

bro are you seriously using the Wind Crystal to power your airship, you know it shrouds the land in calamity

During the New Atheism boom of the aughts I gained some renown with my stunt "Atheist Outlasts Jonah Inside a Whale". I spent over five days inside a whale, and made a point not to pray once. I had to be resuscitated seven times, the mainstream press mostly ignored my achievement.

Architectural Digest has once again succeeded in tricking me into appearing in their biannual "Piss Poor Lodgings" roast issue. They call me the "Frank Lloyd Wright of getting it wrong". Still, they were kinder than when Horse and Hound listed me as one of the century's most evil and ugly dogs.

Her surname, “Handbasket,” is neither here nor there

My wife has come around on calling the lady who is our purveyor for adhesives our "Bond Girl". Helena herself loves it, she has an easy smile and a quick wit. Able to make a connection with anyone, pun very much intended.

We caught you in 240p.. so the matter is not entirely clear

Recently I was challenged to a fight, now I'm no great fighter, so I messaged most of my male acquaintances asking "Are you hard? If so that would be awesome!" referring of course to the British term for a tough guy. I was unsuccessful in finding a champion, but did receive a strange pic from Bill.

It's very telling that the only posts people pull up from my old blog are either "Rap Sheet? I'm Calling It a Country Music Sheet From Now On" or "Could a Dutchman Ever Headline the Super Bowl Halftime Show?" and not any of my healthy root vegetable smoothie recipes. Whatever fits the narrative.

The same guys who used to comment "Is it really necessary to be shirtless!" on my model railroad reviews, now comment "Shirt AND jacket, those abs aren't hitting like they used to, huh?" They're a small minority, but much like my torso between 2019-2024, they're hard to ignore.

The trees once spoke. The rivers and lakes as well.

My aunt is upset because apparently my cousin Tina's new boyfriend is a "fell-on". Personally I don't get why and I'm interested to hear what fell on him, I identify as tree fell-on, though of course three light poles, two rocks, and one dead cow and man each have gotten me so far in life.

The Harrows of Locker Hill look down on my family since we are descended from the "Poop Bandit", and it is true grand papa was a feces thief. But it is well known that Balthazar Harrow was his benefactor. It is weirder to be a sponsor of poop burglary, than to be a shit stealer yourself I'd say.

When I was a child my mom forgot her favourite satchel on the train. I cried and cried because I thought that was where she kept her love for me, and now it was gone. Kids are silly. I should have cried because there was 500k of Big Mike's money in that bag, and he was no joke.

Our wedding planner keeps referring to me as the "heel" of the wedding, my fiancée on the other hand is apparently "the baby-face". It all feels a little combative. I'm supposed to wear a sports jersey of the divisional rival of my fiancee's hometown team to the reception?

I wouldn't cheat on my wife, but I yearn for an illicit thrill, something secret and alive in my life. So we've agreed that I must never do the dishes, that it would be deception most foul. I claim I have a headache, she leaves to run errands, I get the soap from the sock drawer, do a few cups.

I wouldn't cheat on my wife, but I yearn for an illicit thrill, something secret and alive in my life. So we've agreed that I must never do the dishes, that it would be deception most foul. I claim I have a headache, she leaves to run errands, I get the soap from the sock drawer, do a few cups.

Have you seen my cat wizard commission

Stores and restaurants I frequent will often offer me free home delivery if they have a health inspection coming up. I've only been mistaken for a rat once, I understand it is mostly an odor thing. Some easily offended types would be hurt but I see it as an appreciation of my loyal patronage.

Cecily sat me next to her husband's cousin, who was dressed like Goku, at her last dinner party because I "get along with anyone". This time there were no cancellations so it is me, cousin, dressed as Cell, and Cecily's least favoured child at a separate smaller table. I'm a raconteur, but come on.

"Aren't you the guy who had to take four weeks off work when you learned the guy's name wasn't Zelda?" Ok so I guess I won't ever offer an opinion on anything again, sorry. I wasn't aware there was a one strike policy. No genius has ever been troubled?

Just watched Premier League player score a goal then put the ball under his shirt and suck his thumb as a celebration. Is he supposed to be pregnant or a baby. Or both

While I still think capitalism has its faults I should correct my earlier statement, it is not "market forces" that have been pushing me out of bed most nights, it is Orgalax, the goblin my wife insists we house as he "makes the best overnight oats".

Unfortunately we could not run our story on Hell Island, as the warden Dominic "Big Satan" Jones refused to comment on record, however I think viewers will be well served by the replacement "Is there a link between erectile dysfunction and social democracy?"

Unfortunately we could not run our story on Hell Island, as the warden Dominic "Big Satan" Jones refused to comment on record, however I think viewers will be well served by the replacement "Is there a link between erectile dysfunction and social democracy?"

Our booze cruise has been hijacked by an ethnically and culturally mixed group of heavies and hunks. Alex keeps saying "how could this happen on a lads' weekend!?" He needs to toughen up, this is a time for men not lads.

I'm friends with the 1982 Baby New Year and this is always a hard time of year for them. Ever since Celebrity Rehab they don't like to go out on the eve at all. This year we're getting "an early dinner" at 4pm.

The LA - NY flight route did an immeasurable amount of good for the pink eye community. Honestly one of those debts that cannot be repaid. "Did my ex/roommate fart on my eye?" No actually I was needed on the west coast and it was urgent.

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.