Those "cute" stories of some little town somewhere electing an animal mayor have a dark side. I have lost seven elections in my life to varied fauna, in four localities, and on two continents. My stunning, cold, striver wife left me for a state senator after that Albanian duck won the recount.

Whenever my vampire friend Gaius describes a snack as "devilishly moreish" I get excited, but then I realise he probably just means it comes from the Maghreb.

Don't fucking walk away from me, I'm trying to build rapport.

Much of the failure of 2015 album "Constraints on my Time", the cover of which featured me walking on a street in autumnal Prague while wearing a wool overcoat, was pinned on the fact that that cover was not in-line with the music, pop culture inspired rap over boom bap beats.

Acquaintances of mine like to hang out at my offices hoping to catch a glimpse of my secretary Araminta "Minty" Fresh. Minty loves to have people guess how old she is, and why not, she looks great at 67. She drives a Lotus Seven and receives flowers from Michael Douglas on all major holidays.

I don't mind my girlfriend making fun of me for snacking on something called "Alpha Athlete Kibble". I'm not even that bothered by her sometimes ringing a little bell around the time I have a snack break, but I draw the line at her filming it. I'm not "content", I'm an amateur sportsman.

I made it all the way to the show, but had to quit baseball because one of my teammates had like seven kids and was obsessed with his ironman streak. The fifth time I caught a stomach bug from him in one year, I was like I'll just get an email job in the Nordics.

Ever since they put a pig heart in me people have been very cavalier in attributing my behaviour to the heart. I am enjoying bigger breakfast after a light dinner last night, not "giving into the pig".

In 2006 I came up with the phrase "all the world's a stage and I suffer from stage fright". I sold it to a phrase broker for about ten thousand dollars. A tidy sum, but a bargain nonetheless. They've been careful about using it, letting it accrue value in storage.

In 2006 I came up with the phrase "all the world's a stage and I suffer from stage fright". I sold it to a phrase broker for about ten thousand dollars. A tidy sum, but a bargain nonetheless. They've been careful about using it, letting it accrue value in storage.

know that show hot ones. Well how about a show called cold ones, where there's a series of beers each one colder than the last. And the very last one is an ultra cold beer that only a few of the guests are brave enough to try

Wixard

New neighbours are giving some of us a tour and we have fucking decided to camp out at the demonic shrine, we've been here for like twenty minutes. Everyone has stupid questions, they're worried about the kids. I can literally see these guys have a Weber Summit! Let's keep it going!

You know it's wild how many people claim to not be religious or believe in magic yet are believers in nominative determinism. My colleague Ally Jansson is one of the more openly homophobic people I know and is given chance after chance. While Bigot Larsson the IV has to always prove himself.

I immediately knew you were a reiki master the moment we shook hands. Care to manipulate my energy field or shall we get straight to business?

Sometimes when I get up to speak at a funeral, and start with "The family has asked me to say a few words", members of the family will yell and say that's not true. And it's like buddy, I go to a lot of funerals, a ton, and heckling is super inappropriate funeral behaviour.

*"Guy just calling balls and strikes" voice* Don't know. Don't know. Probably a ball. Don't know.

I'm sure this is how WWII veterans felt about punk music, but the aesthetics of streaming are just terrible. Someone walking through a weirdly empty room in a barren new build to sit down at an awful plasticky gaming chair. Disgusting.

Think you found a hole in my logic? Congrats kiddo, you just pointed out essential ventilation.

"...I'm simply not a fan of the cars are real state." "Carceral." "See I'm going to have to disagree with you there."

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, BUDDY

"I am a bit of a private contractor myself, you'll never catch me using an apostrophe in public!" My wife's South African mercenary ex with eyes like a barren icy waste: "I do not understand what she sees in you."

I'm known in gambling circles as "the only man to ever lose money on scratchers", to be clear I lost money manufacturing scratchers. My worst performing product was "Klaus Kinski's Millions", available exclusively in New Mexico, twelve were ever sold, nine of them winners.

My fiancée has demanded she get to pick the movie recently. Pretty much all of them have been about how it's never too late to change your mind and alter course. At first they were big studio movies, then indies, then Tubi originals. Last one was on YouTube and I swear it starred her sister.

People have to stop calling me a "performative male" for spending my afternoons on city patios with my copy of "The King of Content: Sumner Redstone's Battle for Viacom, CBS, and Everlasting Control of His Media Empire."

Thought I had a Heated Rivalry situation going on with a similarly aged colleague and rival at work, but turns out they are just an Eastern European man who finds me annoying and who can't understand why I think it is appropriate to constantly tell them they're an asshole.

I had to give up my crosspost everywhere strategy in 2022 when Gab users would simply not quit asking what the ethnicity of the Bullfrog in a tweed suit was.

They fired every single remaining copywriter at my Guernsey based marketing agency, that was financed by, but not legally affiliated with, British American Tobacco. Apparently AI does a "good enough" job of writing copy aimed directly at Indonesian children now. Art is dead.

I happened upon the bullfrog in a tweed suit whose land I live on, by the river today. He told me his ancestors should have never moved into coal, "a dirty business." I said that coal built two wings on the grand house. "Hard to fly without wings" he replied and puffed his pipe.

They fired every single remaining copywriter at my Guernsey based marketing agency, that was financed by, but not legally affiliated with, British American Tobacco. Apparently AI does a "good enough" job of writing copy aimed directly at Indonesian children now. Art is dead.

"So you were like an extra?" No living human being is "extra", listen to yourself. I was simply not the child "in play". Went hitchhiking for a summer when I was fourteen, father wrote me a blank check for me to come back if I was in trouble or to "start something new".

I had a pretty chill childhood as I was a provisional kid. By the time he was 8, it became apparent my brother might be a bad egg, so my parents declared they would play a provisional and had me. Brother turned it around by twelve, so pressure was off me.

I had a pretty chill childhood as I was a provisional kid. By the time he was 8, it became apparent my brother might be a bad egg, so my parents declared they would play a provisional and had me. Brother turned it around by twelve, so pressure was off me.

At a point in my life that was later than I feel comfortable sharing, but certainly years before I was a legal adult, I had to look myself in the mirror and be like "you gotta learn the months, man". Not like know half of them for sure and intuit the rest from context.

The three protagonists hiding in the bushes while the gristled veteran explains to them that I am a "Bladsmythe" an elite soldier and guard of the Ho'xil Trade Alliance. The entire time I am being unknowingly watched I am trying to stretch my neoplasma undershirt to my face to wipe my nose.

Recently had a dream about my oven fitting more flush with the kitchen wall. Less of a small gap, was pretty excited in the dream about the cleaner look and the inch or so of extra space. I mean I don't know, I don't want to say poor inner life, less rich than it once was? Certainly, but not poor.

I had the Grinch over to my house to watch the Super Bowl last night. He actually has insane ball knowledge, he played in high school I think. Really interesting guy. Unfortunately he stole like 6 pounds of deli meat out of my fridge so I don't think I'm going to invite him back.

Entering the hospital room, to say goodbye to my grandfather for the last time, shirtless, because I didn't know this would be on my agenda when I chose to wear a custom t-shirt of Stewie Griffin wearing a Big Baller Brand shirt today.

"Barging in" is one of the more problematic phrases out there. You never hear of someone with pretty privilege barging in, they "pop in", or "enter a room". But if I so much as step into an active operating room, host's bedroom at a dinner party, whatever, here comes the uggo "barging in!"

Guy who loves magazine covers and takes them at face value: "It's currently China's century, but it is of course the decade of VR, and within that you have to consider it is Tate McRae's year, and also that this spring, it's all about capris."

Jimmy has had trust issues ever since it turned out his last girlfriend was made of marzipan. Fantastic craftsmanship, she looked great, but it's still tough. Still he's doing better than Lars, who asked if it would be cool to ask for her number, after this came to light.

I've been married to my first wife for four years today! People often ask us what our secret is, and honestly it's simple. A marriage certificate is a legal binding document and we are law abiding citizens.

In 2016 as part of the Panama papers, an email thread discussing tax evasion, and hip-hop, that I was involved in leaked. And genuinely, it's crazy all the coverage focused on me putting each member of Three Loco separately in my top five, and not me outright stating "Not gonna hide my money guys."

In 2016 as part of the Panama papers, an email thread discussing tax evasion, and hip-hop, that I was involved in leaked. And genuinely, it's crazy all the coverage focused on me putting each member of Three Loco separately in my top five, and not me outright stating "Not gonna hide my money guys."

Recently ran into the Devil and he was wearing a 1993 Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl ring and gold medal from Montreal 1976, with a gaudy tracksuit. I happen to know he also has UCI rainbow piping on the cuffs of all his cycling jerseys. Obviously not the worst thing about him, but distasteful.

Guy who simply thinks they have enough kids already, but is afraid of his wife, keeps telling her "I just don't know whether I want to bring a fourth child into a world like this".

Discussed march madness with a nice young yankee lad for an hour before we realised we were not talking about the same thing. It clicked when I said "and the blood from the drummer boy's hands hit the taut leather, and two more men fell", and he replied "yeah, I think Gonzaga can go all the way".

Listening to an old soul song and midway realising a short part was used in a huge hip-hop hit later is a beautiful reminder that there is something special to individual realisation, you didn't find anything, but there is a joy to living and learning. Life is both wonderfully universal and unique.