I haven’t ruled out the possibility that my bed is my soulmate.

Silver Eagle records presents Bedside Toilet Rock.

After the apocalypse I'm going to loot so many gallons of paint. Enjoy your canned goods, I've got 3 varieties of eggshell white

I hope Flavor Flav remembered to turn his clock back one hour.

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

Alexa, how do you get wine stains off of a cat?

Halloween of 1994 I was new to the neighborhood. I was not expecting trick or treaters. I did not have any candy. I gave a kid a raw potato.

I feel sorry for all the toothpicks whose existence was wasted just checking the doneness of cakes.

My weekend has begun and I'm getting seriously buzzed. I hope you all enjoy your weekends.

Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy https://theonion.com/report-americans-most-physically-active-when-getting-c-1819579560/

Everyone from the south knows someone named Skeeter.

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive

THE INVENTOR OF VALET PARKING: what if I said that you could have your car stolen temporarily and you would have to pay someone to return it back to you

Hey baby. Do you want to come over and watch the game? Cool. Hey, can you grab some Drano on your way over?

Oh this? This is my public bathroom stall hot dog.

Dress code for public restroom: No Shoes No Shirt No Shit

Ernest Goes To Town (on that ass)

You fucking piece of shit. -me talking to a spoon I dropped

Hankering for a hunk of cheese for the last 50 years.

Food idea: Spam Helper

My fruit and nut blend seed brings all the birds to the yard.

Yes, I am an avid gamer. But I don't need all that fancy shit for Pac-Man.

I'm "went to typing class drunk in high school" years old.

Dear Diary, Today was a gassy day...

Random thought: I bet 'Do not touch' is a scary thing to read in Braille.

"We built this city" "The whole city? That's impressive" "We built this city on Rock and Roll" "Rock yes, but Roll? That doesn't sound safe. Did you consult a structural engineer?"

Just heard scampering noises between floors and I'm thrilled and terrified. What will it be? Will it fall through the ceiling into my lap? Will we be best friends or will I get rabies?

“Pssst, it’s 2 AM, thought I’d let you know.” - Bladder “Good, you’re awake! Let’s process petty shit right now.” - Brain “I’ve missed you.” - Insomnia

“hey little girl is your daddy home?” bruce springsteen asks me i don’t answer because that’s a fucken weird thing to say to a 41yo woman eating corn on the cob over the sink

the best human on the planet can't compete with a halfway decent dog. would you pick up the best human's shit for them? the defense rests.

You fucking piece of shit. -me talking to a spoon I dropped

[flirting with bald chicks] Does the portico match the dome?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna taco.

[taking down one of the 99 bottles of beer I keep on the wall to pass around] “just one tiny sip, everyone. it’s warm, but we have to share.”

can’t find a good cup holder for my pogo stick

Dress code for public restroom: No Shoes No Shirt No Shit

More guns than people… Is it freedom or a national death cult that keeps growing?

Drunk guy: hey what's the name of that Jody Foster song cut down a tree and made a bunch of toothpicks or something

wave your hand in front of the paper towel dispenser except it gives you pasta

Dear God, Why is there pee after I finish peeing? Signed, My pants

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

DMV Worker: Stop staring at your phone while I take your driver's license photo Guy: But this is how I look when I drive

I haven't been this stoned since I was dating Medusa.

During pregnancy my Mom just took Tylenol PM, so I’m only autistic at night.

I have a plethora of varieties of intoxicants and a 12 pack of ice cream sandwiches. I will not be leaving the house tonight.