Is this thing?

Be a good person today.

I've always thought of myself as a diamond in the rough. And by diamond I mean turd, and by rough I mean punchbowl.

Rest in peace, Bob Weir.

The first time Charlie Chaplin used his voice in a film, he wielded it to forcefully condemn the rising forces of fascism around the globe. Will we listen to his words today?

if the plural of hoof is hooves then a singular groove must be a groof

(struggling to name one of santa's reindeers) reindean

Restaurant idea: waiter takes a bite of your burger so you know it isn't poisoned.

Happy Birthday to Keith Richards, Steven Spielberg, Brad Pitt, and me. All men at the top of their professions.

Having a lil fight with myself about getting into the shower only to have another lil fight with myself about getting out of the shower 10 minutes later

Have you tried drinking Grapico about it?

Sorry I accused you of eating my cats' food.

When I was your age we thought a robot vacuum was a Stepford wife.

It doesn't feel like Christmas until the Star Wars Holiday Special is aired.

youtu.be/quBCjo2rUZg?... HAVE A GREAT WEEK!!!!!!!!!! ☮️

rethinking becoming a vampire after seeing how close you have to get to people

Seasonal depression against comfort eating. May the best disorder win.

I haven’t ruled out the possibility that my bed is my soulmate.

Silver Eagle records presents Bedside Toilet Rock.

After the apocalypse I'm going to loot so many gallons of paint. Enjoy your canned goods, I've got 3 varieties of eggshell white

I hope Flavor Flav remembered to turn his clock back one hour.

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

Alexa, how do you get wine stains off of a cat?

Halloween of 1994 I was new to the neighborhood. I was not expecting trick or treaters. I did not have any candy. I gave a kid a raw potato.

I feel sorry for all the toothpicks whose existence was wasted just checking the doneness of cakes.

My weekend has begun and I'm getting seriously buzzed. I hope you all enjoy your weekends.

Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy https://theonion.com/report-americans-most-physically-active-when-getting-c-1819579560/

Everyone from the south knows someone named Skeeter.

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive

THE INVENTOR OF VALET PARKING: what if I said that you could have your car stolen temporarily and you would have to pay someone to return it back to you

Hey baby. Do you want to come over and watch the game? Cool. Hey, can you grab some Drano on your way over?

Oh this? This is my public bathroom stall hot dog.

Dress code for public restroom: No Shoes No Shirt No Shit

Ernest Goes To Town (on that ass)

You fucking piece of shit. -me talking to a spoon I dropped

Hankering for a hunk of cheese for the last 50 years.

Food idea: Spam Helper

My fruit and nut blend seed brings all the birds to the yard.

Yes, I am an avid gamer. But I don't need all that fancy shit for Pac-Man.

I'm "went to typing class drunk in high school" years old.

Dear Diary, Today was a gassy day...

Random thought: I bet 'Do not touch' is a scary thing to read in Braille.

"We built this city" "The whole city? That's impressive" "We built this city on Rock and Roll" "Rock yes, but Roll? That doesn't sound safe. Did you consult a structural engineer?"

Just heard scampering noises between floors and I'm thrilled and terrified. What will it be? Will it fall through the ceiling into my lap? Will we be best friends or will I get rabies?

“Pssst, it’s 2 AM, thought I’d let you know.” - Bladder “Good, you’re awake! Let’s process petty shit right now.” - Brain “I’ve missed you.” - Insomnia

“hey little girl is your daddy home?” bruce springsteen asks me i don’t answer because that’s a fucken weird thing to say to a 41yo woman eating corn on the cob over the sink