nice soul bro truly wretched

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

🧙‍♂️🔮

My god… this sandwich… it’s made of pure lunch

Big Fungus vs. Fun Bingus

November the Fourth be with you everyone

Dick Chaining?? 😳😳

Scanner went off so TSA made me un-collapse my context, now it won’t fit back in my suitcase :/

(leaning over my nephew’s computer at thanksgiving) the guy at the mall kiosk was telling me about this new shit, “5G”… what do you think should i do it? (holding my phone up to him like he can do something with it)

observing everyone’s strange time rituals from my state with no dst

I’d like to offer a formal apology for spreading misinformation and lies in response to your texts earlier. While I did laugh, my ass is in fact still attached to the rest of me, not “off” as I previously claimed

"I hate overtime, so let's just finish this quickly"

7pm large rice meal of the day

a beverage changes everything

some poor soul out there is rizzless now 😢

Setting some time aside today to ponder the Kid Nation Bean Pit

It's that day of the week again

handbrake icon you are too much my man. i love you though come here

CAUTION: road Caked Up ahead

Call me Nick Cage the way I’m passing these Constitution checks

Waking up early to slurp up all the Juice before anyone else can get to it

[army recruitment ad voice] breakfast is calling. will you answer ?

(pointing at self) seize him

Trade a bird in the hand for two in the bush and then simply take them out of the bush and into your hands. Just a little economics tip from me

If you so much as kill me I’ll die

they’re rotating wendy in the cube

A vehicular man’s laughter

Just discovered a new hell where I badly need to piss but I'm stuck in a slow-moving tech support chat that disconnects automatically if I'm idle for more than 30 seconds

I went to the all-staff meeting and there were 3-4 staves there, at best 😒

Committing bi erasure on myself by wearing straight-fit jeans

sitting on my hand for a few minutes before typing an email so it feels like someone else is doing it

You can pry King Midas from my gold, dead hands

basically what we're gonna do is dance

Meet my roommate, Perpetual Stewart

this is my guard, Ian Angel

bro you look like you drop common items

Oh shit oh fuck

Stole the wrong ancient scroll so instead of unlocking the Secret Arts of the Hidden Sanctuary I just get a free topping on my next purchase of a frozen yogurt

failed the test to get my Thriver's License

converting all my rage to LED because I'm environmentally conscious

Bro are you dumb in the ass or what?

get stretched, idiot get absolutely lengthened

task manager? fucking kill that guy

It’s been a bit but.. it’s boint time

Rolling up a nice lil’ Boint (bad joint)

Nice gross humid breeze this evening

Oooooooweee gimme that night bread