Well well well, if it isn’t my worst enemy.

How do I know I have a shopping addiction? I almost bought several used wigs today for no reason.

If I were a man named Geoffrey and my occupation was chef, I’d legally change my name to Jeffrey because that’s a better spelling.

To all the gay couples out there - do you hold hands in public? Even today, my husband generally won't because of incidents in the past I’d feel comfortable in San Fran, Chelsea or WeHo. But not many other places Straight couples never have to think about this – it doesn’t even cross their mind

If you’ve worked in a restaurant, you probably know that when you are going around a blind corner you have to yell “corner” and if you are behind someone you need to say “behind” so you don’t collide, but did you know you can also say “coroner” and “be high” and they can’t even fire you or nothing.

Blue and yellow purple pills *singing to myself as I eat a shareable size bag of skittles*

🎶 hello Hydroxyzine old friend, don’t let me oversleep again

Me? Sleep? Oh, no thanks, my brain is replaying all of my most cringe moments and I can’t miss the show.

Ozempic anus.

If you check your dogs phone, you’ll find over a hundred photos he’s taken of you sleeping because he thought you looked cute.

This is the future Jeff Bezos and his fascist pals want

FAIR ELECTIONS? Both sides are worried, but for very different reasons. Republicans because Trump keeps pushing election conspiracy theories. Democrats because we can hear Trump’s threats with our own ears, while Republicans gerrymander maps without voters having a say. 1/2

🔵 One side fears eligible Americans won’t be allowed to vote. 🔴 The other side fears too many Americans will.

True, but just TRY to get something like this past the GOP.

I asked AI to summarize how it will lead to cognitive decline due to over-reliance and it directed me to a video of a horse chewing Pop Rocks.

2 out of 3 Americans are under-health-insured, under-waged, under-debt-free, under-fed, under-fueled, under-housed, under-secure. They want us to work and breed for them, but don't want to waste a single resource on us. Once we're too old to work and breed, they hope we die.

Weird that so many people resist a technology that promises to ruin the environment, steal your data, ruin art and make you unemployed. Buncha luddites.

Hmmmm. Is this suspicious? You decide what you think. I know what I think. Amazing reporting by UnitingNow of IG on the activities leading to the gunman being at the Whitehouse correspondents dinner #pinks

First person to get a haircut probably thought they were about to be tortured but then just ended up with a fuckass bob

Him dying would be MASSIVELY convenient.

This explains Donald’s approval rating better than anything: A third of our country is both stupid and belligerent.

I think about this comic all the time.

Rude for Iran to be firing missiles after 37 truth social posts about how they’ve been defeated. It’s like they didn’t even read them.

Them shutting down an election after votes were already being cast in Louisiana is a test run for November.

sharing for no reason whatsoever, my masterpiece: webambler.com/giuliani.html

You mean to tell me that the FBI had time to spend the last 9-11 months investigating #Comey seashells, but didn’t have time to investigate the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti?

How she looks at you when you bust 30 seconds in

There’s a through line between Trump wanting his mug on passports and the SAVE Act potentially forcing millions to get passports they would not otherwise need. This will not end up being a limited edition. They’re testing the waters.

“You can be the President, I’d rather be the Pope” —Prince youtu.be/HKRRxbA5dWE?...

interviewer: why do you want a job in customer complaints? me: I think I’m really good at complaining about customers interviewer: perfect, when can you start?

Baby from Dirty Dancing is a dick. She knew Robbie impregnated Penny and then wouldn’t pay for her abortion, but didn’t tell her sister about it. That would have saved poor Lisa a lot of heartache and embarrassment.

I see they are sending in their best people.

The premise of the Reichstag Fire is to orchestrate a crisis that gives a public perception justification to do what you always wanted to do. To convince the public the extra security is necessary. Graham demanding $400m taxpayer $ for a ballroom 48 hrs after a crisis was staged is peak Nazi.

🎯

My neck My back Took three Excedrin Now clap

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% complete.

introducing brotassium™, the potassium for men

the problem is that MAGA was already using this rhetoric when they saw someone use "latinx"

Learned from my 101-year-old grandfather that one problem of being a centenarian is that airlines apparently only have a 2-digit age variable, meaning that every time he shows up at the airport, the data in the system at the check-in counter thinks he's a 1-year-old unaccompanied child.

Shittiest conga line ever. Also this background guy is a whole mood.

Now wait a damn minute. No way! #FreeMrsBettyBowers!!

Never stop learning.

Leave me alone.

we've noticed and i'm glad he's getting help

This meeting could have been a bong rip

The FBI guy is on a paranoid bender and won’t leave his room. The War guy quotes bible passages from Pulp Fiction. The Health guy collects raccoon dicks. It’s an Idiocracy on steroids.

And a pony. Everyone is going to get high incomes and a pony.

Felon Forty-Seven’s parents & family must have verbally beaten into his head he was low IQ as a child, because it’s his favorite insult he constantly uses on people who criticize him. He’s proven as long as he’s been in public view, he always projects his personal shortcomings on everyone else…