🏆

Willy Warmer www.findagrave.com/memorial/250...

How to survive a polar bear attack You don't Follow for more tips

Or is it bc they're looking up Trump instead of getting it on? 😭 He lives rent-free in people's heads 24/7. Like, have a time of day where you look up politics and world news, but your bed is the place for rest and sex. Put down the news and get busy.

Did I ever share my story about this? It's funny but embarrassing when you realize it took me 30 yrs to catch on. 😂😭

💯

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

I made an amazing pork loin in the crockpot for @fatpeppy3.bsky.social

Fanny Affection England and Wales, Census, 1871

@bibicheret.bsky.social @beesknees.bsky.social @tonymcpan.bsky.social If you see a robbery at an Apple store... Does that make you an... iWitness?

@fatpeppy3.bsky.social I'm proud of all your growth. 🫂

Frog was standing near Toad's bed. “Wake up, Toad,” he said.

Good Morning Bluesky😂 #Pinks

me: wtf happened. why is my car full of these healthy whole grain cereal flakes? mechanic: i'm sorry, sir. it's Total'd.

Thanks, assholes. None of you told him and he didn't answer either. I'll be over here singing Celine Dion's 'All By Myself' and giving up on Bluesky.

Has anyone seen my husband on here today? Tell him I love him. Oh, and tell him he forgot to post about buttholes so far.

Helping my 6 year old with homework Me: 1 green frog 2 green frogs 3 green frogs 4 green frogs 5 green frogs 6 green frogs 🐸 6: Dad do you have a counting limit Me: 6: because I need you to have one

I hope you find an Easter egg with $30 inside today. Or maybe one with pulled pork.

I'll just fuck off, then. *clocks in at work*

I was five seconds from pursing my lips and calling him some double name like hill-folk use, "Now, JohnBoy . . ."

Tell me I didn't just hear a guy at Dollar Tree on his phone saying, "I'm at Dollar Tree, but I'm not buying anything. I'm not so poor that I'd have to buy anything from a Dollar Tree." And then the mofo walked past and looked like the Temu version of the Duggar family. 😂😭

*stops* 😭

This is so me, without the mistake, but I fixed it, and that is also so me. 😂😭

My plan for world domination is to slowly record and produce a series of country pop songs that surreptitiously teach listeners the skills to live an emotionally intelligent life

I'm so exhausted. It's going to be a loooooong day. 😫🥱

😂🤫

something I like to do when I meet people from other cities is ask them about the worst crime they remember happening in their town And then I find all the documentaries I can on that particular crime Anyway, that’s why there’s a gigantic gap on my résumé

Hear me out, plan canceling headphones

The early nerd gets the “erm… actually”

Where's one of those "What is your phone percentage at" posts? Mine is at 69%

@chumantastic.bsky.social @barbisblue.bsky.social @beesknees.bsky.social @nubianiles.bsky.social @texasseoulgal.bsky.social

High blood pressure is known as the silent killer but Phyllis is known as the silliest Diller.

this weekend turned me into 90% bbq

Excuse me while I obsessively listen to the same music over and over

I'm going to need you to be a lot more specific about the Sickness before I'm willing to confirm or deny that I am Down With it

just came up with an idea for a reversible jean jacket: one side is a jean jacket and the other side is an affordable three bedroom home

God I need a hug and a 12 hour sleep.

this email coulda been a can o’ whoop ass

@beesknees.bsky.social @bibicheret.bsky.social @cakikeith.bsky.social @dianeiam.bsky.social

I use jazz hands to soften the blow of my insults.

Conversely, a well executed twerk increases an insult's power exponentially.

When I first came to Bsky 17 years ago, this was all farmland.

Some of y’all have never mollywopped and it shows

I can barely even mollywop

CASHIER: oh i don't need to see ID, thanks ME: is it bc the light has left my eyes?

*me brushing my daughter's hair my watch: are you working out?

Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist