I just realized I don’t have special interests like most autistic people. I have special hatreds. If you bring up millennial-core home design I will rant for 30 fucking minutes

proudly using chat gpt has the same energy as earnestly wanting to be a cop

Tense 😬

ALL HAIL POPE GRITTY

Some people age like a fine wine. Me? I age like a grape that fell out of a lunchbox in a beach parking lot

OR JUST NOT FUCKING USE IT EVER

Based on my knowledge of The Santa Clause (1994), I think JD Vance becomes the new Pope

The opposite of a “gold star lesbian” should be called a “Purple Heart Lesbian”

With RFK Jr. spreading misinformation and fear around autism it’s important that we don’t fight back with aspi/autistic supremacy.

What do I know about politics? Bruh, do you have ANY idea how many towns I have been designated the mayor of after having JUST stepped off the train/bus? Do you know ANYTHING about the bells I’ve raised to construct this bench?

A tricky thing about modern society is that no one has any idea when they don’t die. Like, the number of lives saved by controlling air pollution in America is probably over 200,000 per year, but the number of people who think their life was saved by controlling air pollution is zero.

Most infighting on the left in the US is simply due to the US government spending a century shooting any leftist leader in the head and strangling every organization with. You've never seen a healthy, thriving leftist movement in the US, a Pinkerton put a bullet in its head a century ago

This is why North Korea has the world's leading economy

Legendary Tee K.O. Round

my new theory is that once you have a certain amount of money and wealth you start to go crazy and detach from reality. that number is different for everyone. for me it's $20

Hey folks, I’m preparing to update my risk assessment map and I am including a new factor: hospitals complying with anti-trans EOs and whether AGs are putting pressure to stop that. If your hospital system is complying with anti-trans EOs and hasn’t reversed course, let me know here or in DM.

*My partner fucks up* Me: Hey. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. I love you no matter what *I fuck up* Me: Well clearly they’re going to divorce me for this. I dropped a piece of paper on the ground. I do not deserve love

I think I’m a much better singer than I am a comedian But I don’t know what to do about that other than go to karaoke and make everyone hate me

He’s like if Rasputin and Henry Ford were one guy #elon #elonmusk #history #russianrevolution #comedy #rant

People in movies are always giving somebody a duffel bag full of money and then not getting the bag back. I'm not made of duffel bags at least bring the last one back empty and we'll swap.

REPLACE CHUCK SCHUMER WITH A HAND VACUUM. HAND VAC IS CHEAPER AND ONLY SUCKS WHEN IT’S TURNED ON INSTEAD OF ALL THE FUCKING TIME LIKE CHUCK SCHUMER.

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

My hungry ass could not be a particle physicist

Wait the crazy religion they made up for Conclave is actually real???

The hit 2013 song “Get Lucky”, but instead of trying to meet a stranger at the club to have sex with, it’s a guy who’s been up for 46 straight hours playing scratch-offs

i call noon "the 'whiching hour". on account of that's when i make my sandwich

On a long enough timescale, all tattoos are temporary

You can tell Princess really misses summer because she’s already practicing her cannonball technique

Eating an freezie pop, putting on my bathing suit and pouring chlorine into my essential oil diffuser in an effort to summon the spirit of summer from the depths of my harrowed soul

people who think and act this way shouldn't be allowed to live in society. we need to bring back exile. stick this lady on a boat and shove her off into the sea.

Freddie Mercury didn't go into the studio and nail the vocals for "The Show Must Go On" in one take while dying of AIDS for you to despair and give up now. Take the time you need, but then get up and get back out there. The show must go on.

then ask how many times theyve been creeped on by a guy who insists they care about the safety of women.

first off you talk to every woman you know and ask them how many times they have been creeped on by a straight guy disguised as a trans person hiding in the bathroom generally speaking the answer will be "zero"

The first sunny spring day has arrived in the PNW and everyone is losing their gd minds. The neighbors took their kids out of school. My wife is trying to convince me we should rent a beach cabin for a night. One lil morsel of vitamin D and mfers are pouring margaritas. It’s 58 degrees, calm down!

Taking my shirt off before I go to bed so it feels like I’m going to be in a street fight

Guy who has never heard “hors d'oeuvre” but has read it: Would anyone like a horse do over?

when i got my job making the menus for an indian restaurant they made me sign a naan disclosure agreement

"We have nothing to fear but the sphere itself!" Then, as the world watched, FDR was swiftly and silently enveloped by the sphere, and the dark times truly began.

I did not mean to stay out until 12:30 AM on a Tuesday when I have an adult job in the morning but these are the risks you take with having friends

Was reading an autistic person's story of being excluded on the playground and it was honestly so scary, as a kid, experiencing times when you would walk up to groups and they would literally somehow know you were different and instantly reject you. It happened regularly and no one could explain it.

you're in her dms i'm in the geology lab eating the rock salt samples we are not the same

Turns out being an oligarch means you by definition have an iron deficiency. It needs to be applied by gravity right at the neck.

Me: Did you know you can feel your organs moving after a hysterectomy? Aurora: Dude I can't even handle eating soup because I can feel it rocking around in my stomach afterwards

one way I've realized the depth of propaganda I've been subjected to is how smoking a cigarette can make you look cool, sophisticated, and mysterious while using a vape makes you look like an absolute dork

I’ve never been consistent at exercising before but the desire to punch Nazis has been incredibly motivating.

Me, tired of using elevators. You, someone who can teach me how to jump from high places This is the ideal monogamous relationship

I really enjoy my system for coming up with passwords, but I can’t share it for obvious reasons This must’ve been what the Manhattan Project was like