I hate to make light of a situation, but I'm a holodeck programmer so I will vice versa.

They say there's nothing new under the sun, and indeed at this point the tired image of an old hat on a hat on an old man yelling "hello fellow kids" at a cloud is almost cliché -

just eating a big pawful of cherry tomatoes and grapes intermingled like nothing means anything it that a cashew in there? Who is this madman??

Whenever I have to sneeze in public I try to find a nun to sneeze on cuz it's so funny how they flip out when you ruin their nun suit. nasty habit.

Drop something MIRRORED.

"Every minute you don't kill yourselves, I will execute one of these vampire hunters!" - Excerpt from the Hostage Negotiator's Final Oral Exam

I wrote 5k+ words about this silly Satanic Panic D&D Tom Hanks movie even though to earn my pay I only had to write about 25% that much. It's a good'n! My column, not the flick. If you like my stuff you'll like it, it's stuff, that tracks.

These two are probably my very favorites? They turned out much better than I could have hoped

For a good short story about this check out LIAR! by Asimov.

Hmmmmm, could you be thinking of this one?

MY PET COLLECTION OF FUNNY SPOONERIZED CELEBRITY NAMES Rim Tobbins Gill Bates Prad Bitt Ghoopi Woldberg Gake Jyllenhaal Gaggie Myllenaal Pobert Rattinson Fen Branklin Back Jlack Dalt Wisney Glark Cable H.C. Mammer Filos Mormon Farty Meldman

Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day! youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...

It's really cool that rainbows turned out to be queer-coded because I can tell you with confidence I was gonna be all-in on "rainbows are pretty i like rainbows" regardless.

One doom I didn’t anticipate is AI slop making it impossible to even learn from context clues. Imagine you’re a kid trying to learn to read and school failed you and this is presented as a legitimate poster, what are you meant to make of that? Literally nonsensifying the world.

One of the most promising descriptions of a hypothetical potential joke situation, I'm basically anticipating laughing already

Roast my good friend Charlie Brown No, more vulgar more more vulgar, this is my good friend here hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck no that's too vulgar

This is a flaw in the way capitalists have designed the modern economy, not in us. "Device hoarding" is GOOD for the environment and for our individual wallets. "Devices" used to be made to last 10+ years—or lifetimes! Sewing machines from the 1890s and typewriters from the 1910s still work!

This is the first Thanksgiving for Sophie & Colin Hortman without their parents, Minnesota state Rep. Melissa Hortman and Mark Hortman who were assassinated along with the family dog in an act of political murder. National guards troops were not deployed to the state in response.

Proof that @mkupperman.bsky.social is a genius: Gordon Ramsay's Fairy Tale Toilet Kitchen Nightmares. I never watched his Fox show, so I assume this really happened. michaelkupperman.com/shop/gordon-...

If you're bored later maybe toss on my two-hour deep dive MOVIESSAY about Groundskeeper Willie. Topics include: swearing, alcoholism, the janitorial arts, joke math, standup, political reform, weird food, games, love, joy, death, dirt, loam and cabers.

Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day! youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...

🎵 everyone’s thankin’ 🎵

Society is a construct. You can just ask someone to do a ska cover of Faith of the Heart and they'll say "$300 please" and you give it to them and then you have it. Everyone, give @skatunenetwork.bsky.social your money. They deserve it.

Remaining 14% currently on-island and omitted from the poll.

MY TOP TEN JOKES 😆 AND TOP FIVE REPLIES ⤴️ OF THE WEEK 🧵 (thread) NUMBER TEN bsky.app/profile/mich...

“First of all Tone, she was a SEX WORKER, and second if this reboot is gonna work you need to update some of your attitudes.”

shouting into phone at my broker: "whoa whoa, wait, sixpence NONE the richer? Since when?! That's not what you said!! Well, that's not how I took it!!!"

We had to put him down six months ago so…emphatic yes? Anyway I’m sad now, marketing accomplished.

Patreon just revamped their system and added Collections for the first time, which is subtly huge for an eclectic outfit like Small Beans. To celebrate, here's a page where you can finally peruse our Beaniverse by series and a thread showing off some of the contents! www.patreon.com/c/SmallBeans...

I mean the outrage around those things he listed is pretty legitimate, but I too am terrified by how we're letting the actual biological Armageddon issue fall out of the conversation.

"Fear is the mind-killer" said Uncle Ben, his pearls scattering across the asphalt. That's when I swore I'd murder everyone involved even tangentially.

logging on

Streaming games for a while on the Small Beans Discord... Keeper Myst III Kingdoms of the Dump open to all but I'm in a bad mood so I don't know how talkative I'll be but I always say that and then this cheers me up and I go off but no promises. discord.gg/Ja9YkvZ9

Always nervy to ask someone "hey wanna be friends," even at 40, but have always wanted to add @wapplehouse.bsky.social to our guest rotation so I went for it...and our first collab was a banger! Thanks for the time dude you rule. soundcloud.com/user-6825321...

this is so fucking stupid lol

nobody knows the trouble Arby's nobody knows my Sbarro

Mambo #6,789,441... a little bit of the Monica Hivemind Hegemony has been dispatched to the outer belt worlds, hoping to assuage fears of continued political fracturing between Saturnine Faction forces and the greater Begaverse...

Admittedly the techs are very cute and they seemed to learn a lot, but if you love your pet AVOID this service. The kids sewed my dog and cat together, ate all our ice cream and fell asleep.

Today in 1988 Mystery Science Theater 3000 premiered on KTMA in St. Paul Minnesota. #MST3K

Roast my good friend Charlie Brown No, more vulgar more more vulgar, this is my good friend here hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck no that's too vulgar

One of the most promising descriptions of a hypothetical potential joke situation, I'm basically anticipating laughing already

OK, going to have trouble paying rent again this month due to back injury. Would appreciate so much the spreading of my online shop to get some cool orders sent out next week. All signed. davidziggygreene.bigcartel.com

My archive sale is now on for the next week. These are the last remaining pieces from sold out print runs over the last year or two. Anything left will go back into the archives at the end of the sale.

Elon Musk, buying Twitter: "I want to make people like me." Elon Musk, at the IVF store: "I want to make people like me."

Triple H throwing on a Michael Douglas thriller: "Game recognize game."

STAR WARS OATMEAL FLAVORS Overnight Ewok Han Soloats Savory Loaded Bacon-Cheddar Astromech Droid Womp Rat Muesli Meesa Gettit Instant Grits - "Ready in a parsec!" Duel of the Berries Spelt Porridge With a Pinch of...Salt Younglings & Creme Saber Cut Watto-on-the-Bottom Jizz (Lucas Insisted)

What if the announcement was just you don’t have to mask your autism anymore and we all love you just as you are? It won’t, though. It won’t be.

James Van Der Beek about to drop surprise one-man run of Hamilton.

Feels like a good time to repost our satirical sendup of Disney buying everything and ruining it. If you missed it, here's every episode of DISNEY OWNS YOU! Episode 1: Disney Buys Lucasfilm (feat. @katystoll.bsky.social and @codyjohnston.bsky.social) www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7VB...

45 MINUTES until the 11AM due time, and I've stalled at $130 of $700. PLEASE help. My life is on the line and I CANNOT assume I'll get extra time, especially when I'm this far from the goal. PLEASE share and chip in ASAP?