Are credit scores a scam?

That new alien video is terrifying.

Disney watching subscriber numbers crater: uh, takesies backsies?

if the canary is so good why don't they make the whole mine out of canaries?

It always confused me when people in movies give each other illegal stuff in briefcases and fancy leather carry-ons. You just gave that nice bag to a criminal! Turns out, in real life, they just use paper take-out bags which makes way more sense though it could make your cash smell like falafel.

I am begging website designers to let me stay logged in

The congress alien video is so funny either a) we shot a mylar balloon with a $200k hellfire missile OR b) our military thought they'd made contact with beings from another planet and the only way they could think to say hello was by shooting them either way we do not seem like the good guys

Was genuinely about to start the new season of Only Murders in the Building tonight but oh well.

5 more things that aren’t technically illegal

Scam Storytime: Clever Hans

Companies with fake foreign names

Making Connections

Little bit of personal news to start the week.

Grocery pickup: we had one of our employees pick out the stuff you wanted, see you in an hour Grocery delivery: a person who has never heard of food wants to know if they can substitute breakfast cereal for your bean and cheese burritos BUT HURRY HE'S CURRENTLY CHECKING OUT

Just set up my first appointment with an impersonal trainer. 2am, parking lot in front of 7-11. No names just push-ups.

you think god is offended by the term "creator" now that it applies to everybody making tiktoks to sell temu crap?

Bought an entire sheet cake for a silly video and the "Happy Birthday Banner" cake from their website somehow got translated to the baker as "Happy Birthday, Banner"

Do you guys think we nailed it with the three leches or is there room for a fourth?

Threw my back out getting a pot off a shelf to make spaghetti. A lesser comedian would say I flew too close to the sun dried tomatoes but I would never say that.

This is one of those rare times when we know how much decorum the victim believed in when this kind of thing happened to others. Please show him EXACTLY that amount.

Unfun Facts ep 26: Recent Reads Edition

Women in S.C.A.M.: Elizabeth Holmes

"You can't say anything anymore" you used to get blacklisted for believing in social programs, Lenny Bruce went to jail for saying words that are boring now, and all of George Carlin's things you can't say on TV you can say on Disney+. This is the most permissive time in history for saying stuff.

Me: uses a credit card to pay for a ride to the airport, food at that airport, a flight, a rental car in a new city, a hotel in that city, lunch, and a cup of coffee-- Bank: whoa whoa whoa! $3? In a completely different city from where you were yesterday? Declined! Fraud alert! Fraud alert!

Unlearning: Body language isn’t a language

3 Things that seem old but are surprisingly recent

People act like COVID is over but hotels still don't clean so it must still be a threat

Disney made villains seem too cool

Puns in America

Marco Polo: am I remembered in your day for my grand adventures? Time traveler: oh hey the blind pool guy!

Went to an inacupuncturist today. Didn't fix my allergies AND there are a bunch of new holes in the table 0/10 do not recommend

People are saying today's Alextions puzzle is the best one yet.

We had a 42% perfect rate on the puzzle last week. Did you get it? I've got a new one out every Friday so make sure you're on the mailing list. Comes with free fun facts as well!

5 Things You Didn’t Know Expire

Just announced: I'll be heading to Atlanta in October! Tickets available now. www.punchline.com/comic/?id=6707

Sometimes I buy a used book and it's got highlights in it and every time I see what they've highlighted I think "whatever class you read this for you did NOT pass."

Why do cellphone towers pretend to be trees?

An unintentionally funny thing conservative comedians do is announce that they don't believe in virtue signaling and then have people clap. You're doing it. You're doing the thing right now. I guess it's technically vice signaling since it's douchy but you are the thing you're most afraid of.

it's probably good nobody pronounces WWII "wheee"

Beware scammy ticket websites!

In Chicago and my Lyft driver asked where I was off to and I said I was getting a vegetarian Italian beef sandwich and he got shitty. It won't be good, vegetarian food shouldn't pretend to be meat, etc and I was stoked! I wanted a fake Italian beef and right then I was having a real Italian beef!

This week's newsletter is about the bonkers coincidence of the two Dennisses The Menaces. Plus there's a fun Alextions puzzle. It's free to sign up and to ignore when it shows up in your inbox on Fridays! eepurl.com/ij_8Uj

In the southwest people say "it's hot but it's a dry heat" and I think Chicago people should say "it's nice but it's a moist nice"

Are gifted programs a scam?

So many non-fiction books read like they would have been great at 100 pages but the contract required 200. Conclusions, summaries, whole chapters of filler. Let's just agree books are 100 pages, it's better for readers, writers, editors, printers, literally everybody. Or just make the margins wider.

A fun thing I like to do any time I have to set my alarm earlier than usual is wake up every 15 minutes thinking I over slept and then about half an hour before I'm supposed to wake up I fall into a super deep sleep so that the alarm gets me at the maximally unpleasant part of the cycle.

It's wild that you don't even have to be big for jerks to try stealing from your fans. A site is offering VIP meet and greet tickets that don't exist to my upcoming show. You could tell it was a scam because it says "Ever imagined meeting Alex Falcone face-to-face?" and no, of course you haven't.

Oops, you fell for historical propaganda

Things I grew up thinking cost a million dollars

When people make videos that feature a list and say "starting off strong" they're just complimenting themselves and their list that they wrote.