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If I had legs I’d kick you, and I do, so watch out

Until a few months ago, I thought Ken Jennings and Scott Jennings were the same guy, and everyday I was like man that jeopardy guy took a SHARP turn into punditry, and no one even talks to him about jeopardy anymore? what a wild career move.

I thought this was a reference to the hit animated lizard movie from 2011, but that’s RANGO. We are not getting anymore hunter s Thompson referencing lizard films, I guess

What's the plan, Chuck? I run a fake news website. You're the Senate Minority Leader. What's the plan?

What You’re Watching Isn’t What You’re Really Watching www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...

was offline for like 5 hours and ice killed someone else?!?!?

I am not gluten intolerant I am gluten codependent

Late to say this but, he should have swapped Machado for FIFA peace prize

I’ve tried very hard to engage with people in this community over the last 36 hours, but it’s clear that the culture here is corrosive and not interested in debate. It’s too bad, because my “Doctor Gizmo’s Patent Snake Oil Cure-All” is well worth the money, especially in this midst of this plague

(transferring to Arthur’s school from Arthur) so what the fuck are you guys

you’re telling me I gotta buy a store membership AND insurance?

A witch's broom covered in stickers from places she's flown to like an old-timey steamer trunk or a modern hydroflask

(going gentle into that good night) wait what

Mr. Gorbachev, remove this paywall

i have checked and there is nothing in the rule book that says a dog can not be james bond

Can’t believe they changed the ending of the live action remake of Lilo & Stitch to show how each character would eventually die, Six Feet Under style

All we really want are horror books.

If you write stuff for a living, please never report the upper end of a range without also including the lower end. Doing that is a thing that I like to call “lying.”

<diligently updating the list of career paths on the university’s “Major in Mathematics!” poster>

This conclave could have been an email

Sucks they never got to collab

I'm rewatching The Sopranos and have concluded that the cure to the male loneliness epidemic is the mafia.

Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave theonion.com/catty-c...

Being an adult is saying "I just have to get through this week" every week until you die.

Don’t mind me just screaming into the void about my job until the school year ends

8th graders at my Tampa school going on field trip to St. Augustine Today. Me: guys look out for my old stomping grounds Flagler college! Student: no offense, Ms. B, but is St. Augustine one of those places that just old people like? dead 💀

To celebrate the completion of The Library Trilogy with THE BOOK THAT HELD HER HEART, I'm giving away the full set of signed Locked Library special editions. To enter just repost. Contest held across my socials - enter elsewhere too to increase chances. Winner chosen randomly from all entries.

Oh my god you want me to find "evidence" before putting someone in jail? Every time?? Do you have any idea how long that would take

starter packs and suggested accounts aren't enough. i want bluesky to show me users who buy similar groceries

Your assignment this week is to read a book that some “Mom for Liberty” would bring to a school board meeting and cry about.

We miss March Madness (but we are glad the gator boys STAYED HOT!)

'Blanket email'. I wish someone would email me a blanket

Has anyone ever investigated how and why 🤣 became the universal emoji for bad opinion havers?

Huge, if true.

How bout them gators?

If he ruins the Lucille Bluth banana joke I will never forgive him

I hate that I feel like I have to try to understand like… trade policy ?? ? ? now like I’m sorry but I understand blockchain (sort of) and photosynthesis and the basics of a skincare regimen and how to file a claim for my out of network providers that is enough for one person it’s too much

they really need to invent a second type of money these guys can play around with separate from the money I need to buy food. Business Money. Money 2

In the middle of all this we're still reading books, which is more than okay. We need books now more than ever. #BookSky

credit to cory booker for bothering to do anything at all

what if cory booker ended with “april fools”

For the first time in 11 years, Florida is back in the Final Four! The Gators beat No. 3 seed Texas Tech as they make their sixth appearance in the national semifinal.

People talk about how life is more convenient but in every old novel someone is sailing to the arctic. I can’t afford to go to the arctic but motherfucking Frankenstein went to the arctic. Put that in your pipe and smoke it “progress”

the executive is not functioning today, my friends

"are ebooks reading" if you'll look carefully you'll notice the word "book" right there in the name

i love The Bear because you’re never gonna see a guy more sad about cooking lasagna