An erotic short story in three acts

Aioli is just mayonnaise that studied abroad.

Venmo me $5 and I'll send you the same pic but with the flash on

what kinda nerd-ass name is Debt Collector, stop calling me stalker!!!

Oh you like my eyes? I’m a donor so maybe you’ll get them when I die - Me, flirting

WHAT: Thom Browne (couture, fall 2024) OCCASIONS: jigsaw puzzling or Victorian ghosting or finding yourself in a bedroom with this cute but disconcerting yellow floral wallpaper…wait, is it moving? IF IT WERE A SCENT: just applied wax seal EMOTIONAL RANGE: bereft/cheeky #MJMfashionGuide

“Not just exquisite tailoring, clothing that’s ABOUT exquisite tailoring,” I whisper to myself as I walk down the sidewalk.

Wow golf playoffs have really changed.

I really should have rewatched S1 of House of the Dragon first. 😵‍💫

Finally started Ted Lasso S3 bc I’m burnt out on SVU and dang there’s some bad accents on there (I can even tell as an American).

A British show I watch just had an American character say “I grew up on a council estate” and “you are a posh public schoolboy.”

In a pasta emergency I bought Ragu at a gas station…my kids said it’s the best spaghetti I’ve ever made. 😭

Life hack for women over 40? Try a machete.

SVU Season 15 is simply unbelievable. Absolutely perfect.

This is the maddest I’ve ever been.

SVU is my Battlestar Galactica.

I am seriously floored on the famous actors on SVU. Is this the American The Bill?!?!!!

I accidentally started watching the L&O SVU marathon (which I have never seen because it looked so stupid) when it came on after soccer and, well, 4 hours later…

I only use pet names in moments of frustration and/or emphasis

I pretended to be dead to see what my cat would do and she immediately bit off one of my earlobes.

I lightly toasted my retinas and also my brain feels broken?

In a weird mood where I’ll be melancholy about anything—but especially the fact that I can’t have full-scale & thunder-free controlled lightning as indoor décor. 😕

kate middleton should tweet out a bracket now

The new Lindsay Lohan movie is a perfect film.

Missed Connection: I was eating a rotisserie chicken alone in the dark, you opened the wrong storage closet door and saw my Lemon Pepper smeared face, but you looked lovely lit by fluorescents in the hallway

[making small talk with a group of new writers] so what are you guys into apart from trauma

Ahh I see it's Friday and I once against n have to put in the effort to be interested in some arbitrary piece of reality.

really did not expect to find quite so many truly delightful turns of phrase in an article about the difficulties of pants. (this is a gift link so you can all enjoy)

Why did no one tell me that there's a Little Debbie park in Tennessee??

Microplastics contain all the nutritional value of fully mature plastics, concentrated into a smaller and more tender product

So wait you're telling me that France has a right to abortion enshrined in their constitution AND baguettes?

WHAT: Stefan Cooke (fall 2024) OCCASIONS: seducing harpists or shaking up your sleepy Swiss canton with a chocolate so dark, so intense, that it acts as a portal through time to those who consume it IF IT WERE A SCENT: unfurled parachute EMOTIONAL RANGE: demurring/clairvoyant #MJMfashionGuide

One day you’re young and then suddenly you text your wife to tell her she left her phone at home.

in honor of Iris Apfel always remember to add three more things to your outfit before you leave the house. fuck Coco Chanel, that old bitch was a nazi

Café. Influencer in here wearing silver raver pants (no) & taking pics of the vintage coffee grinders on the wall & perhaps of me in the process & so I’m tilting my face just so in order for the sun to glint off my cheekbone & create a vector of light so sharp that it renders her iPhone inoperable.

this Women's History Month, i pledge to act as cunty as possible for 31 consecutive days, each day cuntier than the last

Gunshots fired at Southwest high school in Fort Worth

The dingo ate my embryo

(unthaws army of frozen embryos to do my murderous bidding)

I just drew a body-dysmorphia self portrait and I highly suggest doing this. It looks absolutely nothing like me and I’m laughing so hard. I think I’ll look at it whenever I’m feeling low.

the junktech moguls who fund your party built on pyramid schemes of useless software that can’t go half an hour without a catastrophe? joe biden’s fault. also: woke

call me FDR the way I’m handling this Great Depression