Wish there was a champions medal for running a daily three-legged race with anxiety and depression.

ME: if the singular of geese is goose then the singular of cheese is choose MCDONALDS CASHIER: okay here’s your chooseburger

The Mandalorian, but a caramel dessert. The Flandalorian

went to get an existential crisis but it was soul doubt

It’s that time of year when I’m becoming increasingly stuck indoors, soooo… *begrudgingly starts binge watching the internet*

my life is being stolen right before my eyes one work day at a time

sex so good he forgets every word but your name and now you have to order for him at restaurants

don’t talk about the elephant in the room until it’s had its coffee

Listening to my dog lick himself is how I imagine it sounds to eat spaghetti without lips

was gonna go to a third yoga class this week but that might be too much of a stretch

I’m sorry I was late, I was trying to peel a boiled egg

‘oh man sporemichael can’t flerp for shit and if everblunken does’t cribble more sploops this team is never gonna make it to the big brouhaha’ that’s you doing sports talk, that’s what you sound like

Dirty commies call each other comrade, but slutty commies get called cumrade

Turns out the teaches of peaches is not the kind of education most employers are looking for.

Apples aren't special. You can bob for whatever the hell you want. Go bobbing for fish I dunno. water is literally full of those things.

I mean, I’m naked and afraid but I’m just in my kitchen

Louis Vuitton's Spring line is featured under my eyes this morning.

what do i bring to a relationship? hold on …[reaches into pants pocket]…four dollars and forty-seven cents, a hair tie, some anxiety wadded up inside an old receipt, and a fuzzy blue Sour Patch Kid

they don't teach you this but it's totally ok to break up with someone on the spot if you see them microwaving a slice of leftover pizza

I prefer weed glasses to beer goggles any day.

If I had a curved dick I’d introduce it like, “say hello to my little bend.”

look if you want to fight with your spouse in public that's fine by me but don't get mad when I clap and cheer for the rightful winner

tfw you find that Goldilocks dick…not too big, not too small, fits and hits just right

annoying the wife by singing 🎶 come and sit on my faaaace to the tune of the three’s company theme

A McChicken, a McFish, and fries with hot mustard should McFix me

i saw a marching band playing ‘band on the run’ and i was like no you’re not

*takes off jorts to reveal even sassier jorts

slow blinking at the customer to calm them and establish trust

i can’t wait to love my child no matter who they love

Meant to post this yesterday…belated Sunday selfie

Can’t…too busy smokin grass and eatin ass

*whispering to myself to have a normal skeet* colossus should have fought fully bricked up so he could use his bio-steel cock like an extra weapon

rainforest hiking 🌿🦌

Scientist: and why did you name this animal “Octopus?” “Because it has 8 holes” Scientist: wait, what? “Arms, I meant arms”

REPORTER: *ports again*

‘why don’t you call more often?’ is a trick, your mom knows how to use a phone too

🎶why do birds suddenly appear when you’re banging my rear just like me they long to be railed by you🎶