The face of someone who’s devoted their life to service, science and space exploration needing to listen to some draft-dodging, out-of-shape bozo brag that he easily could’ve been an astronaut.

Bingo! It’s their common denominator.

He never had the money to pay for the ballroom. It was always a scam. We were always going to have to pay for it. They were just waiting for the right moment to hit us with the bill. This is now the time.

This never used to happen to me, but nowadays my health insurance company will send me letters to be like, "Good news! We approved the procedure your doctor ordered!" Like. With much disrespect, fuck you health insurance companies. MY DOCTOR ORDERED SOMETHING FOR MY HEALTH, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY NO

"I know you're trying to watch the NBA and I'm sorry. Steal your parents Peacock password like everyone else" St Louis NBC Chanel 5 weather man reporting on a confirmed tornado in Clinton County, Illinois. #stlwx

There are many other problems with men right now but one that I've noticed most recently is the number of middle aged men who just walk straight out of the toilet without washing their hands.

Is there someone dead in the lobby or is there someone in custody? Was the person armed or not? Did he make it into the ballroom or not? Usually there should be a pretty wide grace period on finding this out, but there are literally hundreds of reporters in the room and nobody knows shit.

There's a tradition of film directors and studios congratulating each other for beating their box office records. In 1977, when STAR WARS beat Jaws to become the highest-grossing movie ever, Steven Spielberg took out the below ad for George Lucas in @Variety 1/11

Trump completely passed out, reawakened, then passed out again during today's pressor in the Oval Office. 😂🤣👇

Trump is about to hit REM on camera during an Oval Office event. It's just incredible.

I was on one today. There was a group of guys next to us who were talking shit after “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” I knife handed those assholes and told them to STFU. Also told some obnoxious Ravens fans behind us to STFU. I am entering my grumpy old man phase. I love this for me.

When your dog notices that you're sad and offers you his favorite toy to comfort you...🥹♥️

There’s a dude on instagram listening to his grandfather’s music collection that he inherited. Today it was the 1992, self titled album “Rage against the machine”. Fuck. I’m old.

So what he's admitting is that it's his Ef’n fault-make this make sense…

Yes, Swiss scientist Fritz Zwicky coined the term “dark matter” which is impressive, but he also coined the term “spherical bastard” to describe people who are bastards no matter which way you look at them, and I think that should be celebrated more.

AP: Trump’s acting attorney general signed an order reclassifying state-licensed medical marijuana as a less-dangerous drug, a major policy shift long sought by advocates who said cannabis should never have been treated like heroin by the federal government.

watching the Jersey Mike’s worker make my sandwich

A rando at the grocery store told me to smile and be happy. I said to him, No.

"the rule of law, checks and balances and the peaceful transition of power..." www.scientificamerican.com/article/ex-n...

Isn’t that the truth.

Do y'all remember that scene in Star War where Darth Vader goes, "NOOOOOOOOOOO"? I think about it like 5 times a week.

HAHAHA! That response killed me. And it's so damn true.

Lot of people on the right crying about the Virginia redistricting vote. We told you this would happen while you were celebrating the illegal off-cycle seat grab in Texas. Stop playing stupid games if you don’t want to win stupid prizes.

If Republicans hate the CA and VA redistricting, they can thank the person responsible - Donald J. Trump. None of it would’ve been possible without his leadership on this issue.

"This is an important thing to think about."

Starting a mid-decade redistricting war only to end up with -1 seats is the same fine strategic genius and subtle grasp of game theory that brough us the Strait of Hormuz.

You ever try to code switch at work and fail? 😂

In February 1777, General George Washington ordered the first mass immunization campaign in American history by mandating that his troops be inoculated against smallpox. He protected the Continental Army from an epidemic that was deadlier than British forces. 249 years later, we have this idiot.

This isn't the movie I bought a ticket for...

Pennsylvania's appellate court confirmed that access to abortion is a fundamental right under the Pennsylvania Constitution. This decision is a win for all Pennsylvanians. The government shouldn't be making your healthcare decisions - you should. www.inquirer.com/news/pennsyl...

Correct.

Several people with signs like this at the Boston Marathon today

“None of the Iranian delegation has arrived or even flown to Islamabad for negotiations with the US at the moment” - Iranian State TV Iranian channels also posted the Mr. Bean meme with JD Vance edited in to mock the situation.

Lol Spike Lee is courtside wearing a Knicks jersey with “Pope Leo” on the back #NBAsky

Here's how we're taking over InfoWars.

Crazy that Iranian, propaganda, lego movies, are giving us more accurate information than American MSM 🫩

mRNA vaccines continue to show major promise. In a small Phase 1 trial led by Dr. Balachandran, some patients with pancreatic cancer (one of the deadliest cancers) reached 6-year survival. This is why sustained investment in science & research matters. tinyurl.com/f4n4anhk

Jake Mangum spots kid in the crowd, tosses the ball, and her brother catches it and gives it to her. Dudes rock.

Baseball role reversal: #AGoodPlace Source: www.reddit.com/r/HumansBein...

It looks like the world is being wise about the world cup. I am an American, it is NOT SAFE for anyone here. They give idiots a gun, authority, and no training. If I murder someone, I go to jail or worse. If ICE murders someone for no reason, they get praise from the president.

Time for Mamdani and Obama to go to a baseball game with the Pope. Let’s just blow this whole thing wide open.

Instead of change, they’ll invent a new scheme.

Dave Matthews Band: “Stop the Genocide. Stop Killing Children”

My father survived a year with pancreatic cancer but it was a year of terrible suffering. This is very encouraging news. www.nbcnews.com/health/cance...

14-year-old Melanie Doggett running 11.01 100m (NWI)! 🤯

More of this, less of bombing other countries (From @acyn.bsky.social )

Me: Has anyone else been having this problem with this software? Boss: Please can you send me a screenshot? Me: ..... No, because it has miraculously fixed itself after refusing to play for an hour and two restarts but apparently it just needed to embarrass me in front of my peers and superiors.

Not sure how this "no tax on tips" stunt was supposed to play out, but showing a senior citizen who is stuck driving Door Dash because she can't afford her husbands cancer treatment is not the flex they think it is. Or was that part bullshit too?