Him: You smell amazing. Me: Thanks, it’s garlic bread.

Here’s something political: Go fuck yourself.

*mutes all the political skeets* Me: This is nice.

I’ve got your tariffs right here. *gestures at boobs*

If he doesn’t want to see your tariffs, they aren’t worth the price increase.

Canadian buttholes are the best kind of buttholes.

Tariff this butthole.

What base is it when your vagina makes him nervous?

Woke up with a vagina again.

My only limit is my imagination. And my lack of ability. And my apathetic personality.

Tazed by the sheriff of Funkytown

I love the smell of coffee and butthole skeets first thing in the morning.

Came for the wine moms, stayed for the butthole skeets.

Hot wine moms on Bluesky are posting butthole skeets.

people who pull the bed covers anywhere up above the neck are pretending to be uncircumcised dicks when they go to sleep prove me wrong

Buttholes need goodnight kisses too.

*wakes up on February 1st* Me: Thank fuck January is done.

January was longer than a pair of tits on Twitter.

Shooing my Roomba out of the kitchen like Ma Ingalls 2.0

My chihuahua's basically a tiny cartel kingpin who's scared of the rain.

"I haven't been this sexually aroused since the time Spock pretended to seduce a Romulan commander whilst Kirk, disguised as a Romulan centurion, stole the cloaking device from a Romulan ship, thus saving the USS Enterprise from imminent destruction" "Ma'am, please pull forward to the next window"

I keep my shower really clean by encouraging my family to bathe in the river.

According to HR I'm no longer allowed to say "Something wicked this way comes" when our boss arrives at work.

Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder name a better couple

The main reason I never light up a room is because I don't own a flamethrower.

If running has taught me anything, it’s that I have the hips of an old German Shepherd.

I don’t need any help. I can make terrible decisions all on my own.

Like one of those Thai ping pong ball shows, but it’s a woman I paid five hundred bucks to fire meatballs into my mouth from across the room.

Had to use the wife’s vehicle. The dash had so many multicolored flashing warning lights, I decided to put on some disco and pretend I was at Studio 54.

have you all taken your meds today

Stopped myself from replying to someone else's post. It was not as difficult as it appears.

I like my coffee how I like your dad: In bed.

Fuck you, I’m clever af.

I think I need something stronger than coffee to make it through this week.

Woke up with a nice ass and an empty bottle of wine.

I like my coffee how I like my men: Hot like me.

Therapist: you’re your own worst enemy Me: so then you agree, how do we destroy him?

Watched the news for a bit yesterday when I was home sick and hoo boy that’s enough of that for a while.

Inside me are two wolves and now I really regret coming to this furry convention.

It must be beautiful to wake up in the arms of that special someone you can blame for everything that goes wrong in your life.

Them: Life goes on. Me: Oh good.

Possible the biggest threat to us all are the people who insist on making serious replies to joke tweets.

Me: I’m scared of palindromes Psychiatrist: here’s some Xanax

I ran out of energy to parent. I lost my mom-entum.

Thinking of opening a chain of gyms for Christian cultists called "Jehovah's Fitness".

Remember when we had to carry around our flip phones AND a digital camera? My god we were like pack mules

Life: hey buddy how are things Me: not the best Life: well at least you have your health Me: yeah Life: and your family Me: true Life: even got a bit of money saved Me: awesome Life: things are looking up! Me: :) Life: Me: Life: engine light's on