I'm popular on Twitter isn't the brag you think it is.

"Let's not speak ill of the dead"? Oh, so assholes get a free pass because they did the one thing every single person will do someday? Am I only allowed to speak ill of the immortal?

Stages of life: 1. Birth 2. You gotta be fucking kidding me 3. Death

[in the mosh pit] CAN EVERYONE STOP MOVING AROUND FOR A SECOND I DROPPED MY SHRIMP COCKTAIL

please do not eat my shorts if you’re hungry i can feed you cheeses and those fancy miniature pickles that make you feel like a giant

My happy place

A delicious cold brew and my pug. Life is good.

Making a thread of disabled artists because a lot of AI "artists" use disabilities as a defense for using the theft machine and are really quick to call you ableist for calling out that bullshit You dont need to be of able body and or mind to create.

26 months clean and sober. Grateful for the love and support, my homies.

Does anyone still use bluesky? Seems boring as fuck

LIFE HACK: call your company’s line using your personal cell phone. Put yourself on hold for a blissfully obscene amount of time Voila, no more calls from stupid people

2 Years sober tomorrow. I am absolutely blessed to have had so many awesome people in my corner. It has had its ups and downs, but I'm honestly a better person now than I was back then. Thanks for the love, homies

We dance to all the wrong songs! We enjoy all the wrong moves! We dance to all the wrong songs! We're not leading!

Hey Usha, need a wire coat hanger?

Fuck the USA

if you hold both my ears when you kiss me a polaroid of our passionate moment ejects from my butthole

I'm on a sideroad to heck.

Black shading done.

is this is the sign we've been waiting for

A recent drawing I did for a friend.

Making fun of someone's sobriety isn't the flex you think it is.

If she's yelling at you, quickly put a piece of crab rangoon in her mouth and she'll stop.

Captain: I'm really nervous about giving this speech. Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don't worry, big guy. You got this.

The itsy bitsy spider’s name is Sisyphus. Not many people know this.

she better run

Some of the coolest music I've ever found was in the discount bin of the record store.

My doctor said I am morbidly obese but in like a sexy way.

All my homies hate ICE

Everything i learned about Taylor Swift was against my will

One day you're mildly amused, the next you're wielding an axe at Qdoba.

Line work done.

One fun thing about working with me is you never know when I might tell the CEO on an all hands call that the shareholders can suck my imaginary foot-long dick and I quit.

Me, when I get more than 10 reposts and 25 likes on Bluesky

ME: anything? PROSTITUTE: anything *an hour later* PROSTITUTE: ok I made dinner, set that appt for you, and called your mom back but this was a one time thing bc you’re fuckin sick

A year and a half sober today.

You have to get up to get down is about getting off the couch to go to bed.

Her: I SUPPORT ICE! Me:

Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.

We really don’t sing about magic carpet rides anymore.

it was the best of times it was the worcestershire of times

Proof of life

imagine a baby named larry you can’t it is impossible

ME: [turns out pockets, shakes sleeves] THERAPIST: is that all of them ME: [stares at depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, ADHD piled up on table] yep that’s everything THERAPIST: amy ME: fiiiine [pulls attachment disorder from ankle holster, adds to the pile]

you shouldn’t care about it because they might be coming for you next, you should care that they’re coming for anyone at all

If there's an important thing that sobriety has taught me, it's that life is too short to waste on people who add no value to your life. I don't hate those people and wish them well, but holy fuck, be well away from me.

Welcome to crow club, thanks for joining our caws.

lost socks make me so sad, like where’s your li’l buddy why dint y’all hold hands [sobbing] mister stockington whyyyy

What’s with the eye contact my big naturals are down there

Pete Hegseth seems like the kind of guy who tries to kiss his buddy when they're drunk and then call him a f*ggot after he gets rejected.