if you hold both my ears when you kiss me a polaroid of our passionate moment ejects from my butthole

I'm on a sideroad to heck.

Black shading done.

is this is the sign we've been waiting for

A recent drawing I did for a friend.

Making fun of someone's sobriety isn't the flex you think it is.

If she's yelling at you, quickly put a piece of crab rangoon in her mouth and she'll stop.

Captain: I'm really nervous about giving this speech. Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don't worry, big guy. You got this.

The itsy bitsy spider’s name is Sisyphus. Not many people know this.

she better run

Some of the coolest music I've ever found was in the discount bin of the record store.

My doctor said I am morbidly obese but in like a sexy way.

All my homies hate ICE

Everything i learned about Taylor Swift was against my will

One day you're mildly amused, the next you're wielding an axe at Qdoba.

Line work done.

One fun thing about working with me is you never know when I might tell the CEO on an all hands call that the shareholders can suck my imaginary foot-long dick and I quit.

Me, when I get more than 10 reposts and 25 likes on Bluesky

ME: anything? PROSTITUTE: anything *an hour later* PROSTITUTE: ok I made dinner, set that appt for you, and called your mom back but this was a one time thing bc you’re fuckin sick

A year and a half sober today.

You have to get up to get down is about getting off the couch to go to bed.

Her: I SUPPORT ICE! Me:

Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.

We really don’t sing about magic carpet rides anymore.

it was the best of times it was the worcestershire of times

Proof of life

imagine a baby named larry you can’t it is impossible

ME: [turns out pockets, shakes sleeves] THERAPIST: is that all of them ME: [stares at depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, ADHD piled up on table] yep that’s everything THERAPIST: amy ME: fiiiine [pulls attachment disorder from ankle holster, adds to the pile]

you shouldn’t care about it because they might be coming for you next, you should care that they’re coming for anyone at all

If there's an important thing that sobriety has taught me, it's that life is too short to waste on people who add no value to your life. I don't hate those people and wish them well, but holy fuck, be well away from me.

Welcome to crow club, thanks for joining our caws.

lost socks make me so sad, like where’s your li’l buddy why dint y’all hold hands [sobbing] mister stockington whyyyy

What’s with the eye contact my big naturals are down there

Pete Hegseth seems like the kind of guy who tries to kiss his buddy when they're drunk and then call him a f*ggot after he gets rejected.

Pete Hegseth is the kind of guy who tries to fight an entire table of people wearing a different team jersey while too drunk at the bar.

*seductively feeds you mozzarella sticks*

Pssst, we are totally fucked.

If a door closes and a window opens all that means is your house is haunted

Truth or Dare or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Sorry Gen Z, I’m not taking life advice from people with tube socks.

How much to hire a hitman for myself?

A dead tooth is basically a tiny tombstone in your mouth.

Nothing fuels a workout like a female rage playlist. I swear I could have bitten the handle off the kettlebell

When you think the argument is over but then you hear them mumble some shit under their breath

I don’t build walls love I build labyrinths

*Random Self-Aware Plant just screams forever*

Remember, it's okay to punch nazis.

Autocorrect changed 'Flare' to 'Flair,' and now my gun always goes 'WOOOOOOO' when I fire it.

Brutalism in the streets, Art Nouveau in the sheets