You can break any iron clad contract fairly easily by simply putting it in water and waiting for it to rust away

I don’t often use ChatGPT but when I do I tell it to give me a related quote to begin the response and an unrelated quote to end the response and to put a typo somewhere in the response to keep me on my toes and to hint a cryptic hidden secret on how to rule the world if I were a naked mole rat

Oh those? Those are my emotional support notifications 😌 they mustn’t be disturbed

🎶 I’m like a shooting star, I’ll only hurtle chaotically through the dark void of space

Remember kids: always wear your floaties before jumping into the void to distract the abyss walkers

Void light, Void bright, first Void I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight

why did Worf get a bidet? because of the klingons

She was like a lathe machine, and I a loose sleeve

Mother Nature’s Rorschach

Signing Earth up for a dating service and matching with all the planet killer asteroids

Training a mosquito to deliver my blood to you and I’ll call the service Valenmosquito

That’s my emotional support mosquito

Provisional petrification As the land Partakes, purification Leading to a Predestined portraiture Trees shedding like Pregnant passengers Is Fall the beginning of life; Is Fall the beginning of death; A blanket or a shroud— Does a dream dance with the Tendrils of a doting Death? #poetry

What if all the leaves Were just terrified of heights? Fall: a blessed curse. #haiku

*Smacks candy out of kid's hand* OMG DON'T EAT THAT -Why, is it poisoned?! Twizzler?? Gross.

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch who ate all of your Halloween candy (kids crying) ...it wasn't me...

*Raye in 5 years* 🎶 Baby Where the hell is my husband What is taking him so long In the bathroom 🎶

And then the clerk said "Your wrinkles and grays are HIDEOUS!" Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me

As Fall draws to a close, shitposters in their natural habitat begin stashing food and putting on weight in preparation for the cold, desolate, very-online months.

Devastating that square pants never caught on IRL.

DIVORCE ATTORNEYS HATE THEM! find out how they beat the odds using this ONE WEIRD TRICK!

Your crush records an old-school mixtape for you, but it's just 60 straight minutes of dubstep.

How it feels to make a skeet with 69 likes or reskeets go to 70

I think that’s enough of raw-dogging life, going forward I’m leaning heavily into LSD.

pressed in crinkly paper turn my page slip out of wax into tips of fingers hot fear palm throbs from wrist a crushing all we have but hold to lips breathe a smile tasting a petal in a salty hand cradle a little shaking before putting all of me back bound in the little dreams we have when we blink

what if you burned day and night told no one for what good would it do for them to imagine it as the worst they'd had the most they could and one day they told you that you knew nothing of their pain so you said sorry you're hurting and sat with them where they were that you'd already been what if

Slowly, gently, lower my heart into a mathematical equation. I long to see both sides balanced.

The new settles to a white hum, and once again, the old tightens its hold.

In the private room at the back of the heart, quiet communion is in progress. I may appear asleep.

In a sentence, pack just enough words to help a river burst through.

Mickey and Donald open-mouthed wailing as they watch Jesus being crucified

Frozen: where Disney finally got it right when they killed the parents

Frodo: NO, SAMWISE! Samwise: I bet you’d like them on mount mordor, I bet you’d like green eggs and ham

*youth pastor donating blood* You know who else gave blood?

If you're hungry they're hungry (the wolves)

There’s no i in team but there’s also no Eldritch horror either and yet here we are

I’m all that air in the bag of chips

Frankenstein and Lochness in Las Vegas

[packing up all the knives at the knife fight] you kids use your words violence wont solve this

Calling it deforesting instead of casualtree was a bad choice

The itsy bitsy spider’s name is Sisyphus. Not many people know this.

Let me show you the difference between a $40 hoodie and a ~$100 hoodie. 🧵

When I die I want to come back as a lil bug that flitters just on the edge of your peripheral vision

*finishes watching The Exorcist* *sunmons a demon to help out with watching the kids*

She was like google translate, and I was liver, louvre, leaf

“The har-hars persist” I whisper as the clowns close in around me

For one government shutdown they pulled out the Clinton cartridge and blew on it and it sorta worked but the religious folks got weirded out. Still I’d give that one a 6/9 and this shutdown would only get a 6-7

spelling out “kneel before zod” on a lite-brite

Aurora borealis was the name of my finishing move