i’ve been officially suspended from the bird app. i have to rebuild the scumbag gang here. brick by brick. we will be back. and stronger than ever. like the narrows bridge. we can’t be stopped.

Does the popemobile fit through drive-throughs?

Around 1982 I thought it would be cool if Sarah Jessica Parker were my sister. So we could share barrettes.

Pro Tip: I’m way funnier and much better looking if you’re drinking.

what level of adulthood is it when you’re three ipas deep & listening to “porpoise song” by the monkees on repeat & cry-singing along?

you ever have something happen in a dream that makes you laugh out loud in your sleep? happened to me last night. is this normal? am i normal? is the cake a lie? who shot j.r.? where’s the beef? pls help.

the last three times i visited my lovely late great granddad in st. louis, three significant celebrities passed away: -kurt cobain -princess di -shari lewis i stopped visiting him altogether because the coincidences started freaking me out. but i don’t blame him. i blame the cardinals.

Folk just don't zip-a-dee-doo- dah zip-a-dee-ay like they used to

Ah yes, the old “no I’m sure I cleaned that already this month” to “what in the hell has been growing in this water pitcher! I’ve been drinking that!” pipeline.

It kills me how many people think their being ill-suited to this world is a personal defect of theirs rather than a consequence of integrity and humanity because they don’t have community.

The Baby will be here any minute (ominous music)

I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

i watch a local bowling show every saturday at 9:30 am. i live in wisconsin. it’s what we do. well, that and the OWI thing. (don’t drink and drive)

Do these pants make me look like I am undulating with ants?

I kept hearing Daphne’s voice in my head, asking me “Do you know what love is, Shaggy? Do you know?” Of course I know. A boy loves his dog.

Working with cishet coworkers is such a roller coaster. “My wife and I are such a weird couple haha” and it comes out that he was the manager who hired her at her first job, they got married, and haven’t worked at separate jobs since. Maybe I’ve been using the word “weird” wrong all this time.

I never fucking cared if other people found my life fucking interesting as long as I was fucking interested in it

I listen to sports talk radio while doing my morning arabesques.

The end of this month will be 7 years sober for me, and my best advice for anyone starting down this path is sobriety won't fix what's broken or off with you, and it won't make you perfect. It will allow you to truly know yourself, all the good and hard parts and ask you to confront them to survive

• cheese • cat • birth certificate • medication • lobster • q tips • snorkel for cat • child (5+) • tome of ancient knowledge • most plants • goldfish crackers, the snack that bites back

i’m a very superstitious person. the two times my car broke down while i was driving, i was listening to paul simon’s “50 ways to leave your lover” and fiona apple’s “fetch the bolt cutters” album, respectively. and i haven’t listened to either one since.

shoutout to former chicago mayor richard m. daley. for twenty-two years, dude could just wake up and say and do whatever and we were just like, “yeah, i guess. what’s the cubs’ score?” greatest city in the world. 🫶🏾

Pizzagate deserved to be the name of something way more funny

blueSKY?? SKYnet??? wake up sheeple

🎶dressed up like a million-dollar trooper. trying hard to look like d.b. cooper. 🗣️parachuter!🎶

all these door-to-door salesmen running around here thinking they’re richard roma when they’re all a bunch of shelley levenes.

Restaurants that don't put the wine list on the website menu. What did I do to deserve this?

in 2026, i’ve decided to set some boundaries. if you can’t rap all of “rapper’s delight”, we ain’t fucking.

If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size $100 gift card.

imma go down to mexico to check out this barbecue iguana that wall of voodoo was going on about.

“after hours” is a christmas movie.

Save time at the doctor’s office by bringing an Hieronymus Bosch painting with you and pointing at stuff

The way cishet men conflate bisexuality with polyamory makes me want to hit them upside the head with a dictionary

took my honey out for a date for burritos at our favorite taco joint and a little bit of browsing at the boot barn. they got some socks. only the best for my babe.

I have never seen a game that more deserved to end in a tie than this Eagles Chargers abomination

The storm drain on the corner has already given up and we're barely a few hours into our Official Soaking

animal house of 1000 corpses

So started ham chowder today, all's left to do is add the buttermilk n starch. Also made salisbury steaks and garlic parmesan green beans and street corn. Look at it.... I am glorious... I mean the food is glorious!

Nobody be alarmed. I'm going to ask Chad to feel my butt.

went to omaha this year to try some of those famous steaks, and it went pretty well. next year, we’re going to cincinnati to see what that chili is all about.

OMG IT'S @tinyelvisbkwd.bsky.social's BIRTHDAY AND I ALMOST MISSED IT!

Looking for a pumpkin pie recipe which doesn’t have any pumpkins but maybe apples or cherries instead

if dan rather doesn’t tell us what the frequency was in his obituary, i’m going to be very disappointed.

Claude Raines, 1946

yesterday i noticed that my neighbor’s trash can had been tipped over after being emptied, & i felt bad for not picking it up. today, said neighbor cleared the leaves from his yard & put the debris on the curb in front of my house, so i’m ok with the decision i made yesterday.

Also missing the point of stories. For most of us, the first stories we were learned were told to us orally. When someone tells me they love my writing or my stories, I never ask - oh, but did you read it on paper? No writer cares. The story is the thing, not the method of delivery

night court doesn’t get enough credit for how perfect its casting was. every public defender was great; every bailiff was great; all the long term main cast members were great; the recurring side characters were great; and also mel torme. it’s a top ten sitcom that deserves way more praise.

kids today have no idea that former president gerald ford spent his retirement years as an actor named john ashton who played the role of detective sergeant taggart in the hit 80s action comedy movies “beverly hills cop” and “beverly hills cop II”.