kids today have no idea that former president gerald ford spent his retirement years as an actor named john ashton who played the role of detective sergeant taggart in the hit 80s action comedy movies “beverly hills cop” and “beverly hills cop II”.

if your night out drinking ends with you looking like a spirited gg allin performance, it’s time to make some changes.

were you born in 1987? you were conceived to “sledgehammer”. sorry, i don’t make the rules. i just report the news.

you’re his huckleberry; i’m his dingleberry. we are not the same. …wait a minute

Yeah, I’m a gamer.

Respect for this one person who’s repping for Rowan Atkinson as Edmund Blackadder

this scoreboard knows me

Time to STOP making mortal enemies on The Internet and START making mortal enemies at the therapy pool.

thank you james very cool

why am i, a 41 year old, having sexy dreams about a footloose-era john lithgow???

“violent night”, except it’s just me raging when i go to make a sandwich at 2am and the turkey’s a little dry.

Been off work except for an aborted 2 week attempt since the beginning of June. Just found out this one airline wants to bring some work back to us after being gone for a while. Now I don't want to go back. They suck. The Friendly Skies my ass.

Nothing like a steady 36 hour rain to make sure you gotta cut the fucking grass at least one more time.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, falling asleep.

Fire the president by the time I wake up thanks

Hey, my sister and I were raised by a hardworking single parent who also received food stamps. Pound sand, fucking haters.

some gen z kid out there was conceived to one of dave matthews band’s horny-ass songs.

Mood.

My TL is undefeated!

These young bands these days don't even cover Louie, Louie anymore

it wasn’t until my 4th or 5th viewing of “the running man” that i realized maria conchita alonso arrived home, got out of her work clothes, and proceeded to exercise in her lingerie.

It would be really neat if the phone calls I'm actually waiting to receive didn't only come when I'm showering or using the bathroom

What’s it like inside your head?

wait- why do y’all like this nonsense?? 😩

“west end girls” is a rap song.

Wut

Necco wafers only exist to prepare children for all the Tums they'll be eating when they're older

I am color blind, so Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Hudson, and Jennifer Aniston all look like Jennifer Grey to me.

i think i picked up the wrong copy of “the bridges of madison county”. this is just pictures of the fine work of the madison county prosthodontist dr. r. budd dwyer dds.

i love a sweater or t-shirt hanging off of a shoulder. i’m such a slut for a little shoulder exposure. i’m very much in my “gentleman caller from 1872” era when it comes to a little shoulder exposure.

back in my day, the performative male was the scenester who would lie to your face that he understood what “donnie darko” was about.

i’m going to omaha to find me a bisexual punk rock farmer daddy. that’s where they grow, right?

I took the dog for a wok. I don't know why. He can't cook for shit.

i like to imagine peter gabriel sitting down, horny as fuck, to write “sledgehammer”, the best pop song of all time about fucking.

if anyone has any tips on things to do/places to go in omaha, i’m all ears. thx 🙏🏾

Horseshoe crabs are older than trees, land animals, and continents. Horseshoe crabs are a living wonder and we should all feel grateful to exist at the same time as something so incredibly ancient.

Celery. For when you really have a hankering for lukewarm crunchy water.

The rare sight of grandma scat in a pile of mulch.

my kid asked to stay at the hotel with the "fancy bathroom crackers" but i cant remember which one she caught me eating in the bathroom at.

a reminder: greg abbott- governor of tx; did not record “shake you down”; did not appear on “all my children”; not erica kane’s favorite singer gregory abbott- cool dude; recorded “shake you down”; appeared on “all my children”; erica kane’s favorite singer

buy another lego set, or plan a romantic weekend getaway to omaha? decisions, decisions.

teddy roosevelt is very disappointed in all of you.

me making a cold call: hi please be nice to me me receiving a cold call: buddy what the fuck is your problem

That's that. 42nd Covid vaccine complete. I'd like to thank obesity, hypertension and the bed I'm about to spend three days in.

My kids listen to music at night to go to sleep, and 6 months out of the year, it’s Christmas music. They’ve made the transition already. They’re killing me 😭

T.G.I.Fapfest

the trouble with things happening so very much every day, is we forget all about making fun of Cybertrucks and that’s something we all still need

matt eberflus is somewhere enjoying a beer with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. we owe that man an apology.

my bf, Gerry Mander, has a problem with boundaries . folks,,

Took my mother to see Downtown Abbey today. Not Downton Abbey. That’s the one for fancy people. Downtown Abbey —for us simple folk. #innit