This is what you say when the anesthesia fails and you wake up in the middle of surgery

Reading these sentences is like falling down face first in the mud and then just staying there, trying to blow mud bubbles.

Imagine how much republicans would care about this Epstein stuff if it also involved a pizza place. They might even consider it bad

Just “followed” author F. Scott Fitzgerald on Amazon. Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next

This is one of the things I hate most about modern capitalism. The idea of making money has been fully peeled away from delivering any kind of goods or services that people would want to pay money for.

There’s a new sex position people are calling “The Chuck Schumer” — right when you and your partner are about to climax, you switch it up and fuck as many poor people as you can

Kyle Kingsbury is not a journalist. He is not an op-ed writer. He is a computer safety researcher. And he has written one of the most compelling, comprehensive accounts of the ongoing hell in Chicago that you could possibly imagine. In under 1600 words. aphyr.com/posts/397-i-...

Mamdani is going to implement Shania Law. It's already here in Canada. Men who feel like a woman will get free healthcare

This stuff is so funny to me because I’m like — wait, am *I* going to turn Muslim? Feels unlikely at the moment, but I guess there’s no way to know

Honestly if I didn’t even agree with Zohran on anything, I’d still vote for him to see all the worst people on earth having a really bad day online. Fully mentally ill stuff guys, keep it up

Andrew Cuomo’s last official campaign event is chasing women at the NYC marathon for motivation

I hate Bushwick Halloween, what do you mean you’re dressed as Tim Robinson from The Chair Company and the Red Ball

If you find yourself walking through family Halloween decorations to harass people on what is supposed to be a fun holiday for all, here’s something spooky: you are going to Hell

this has to be coupled with the things that *don’t* count as a scandal: an array of harassment allegations, covering up Covid deaths, staying in a race after losing the primary, etc.

"People You May Know" is Facebook for "People You 100% Know & Consider Enemies"

“Why Mamdani Winning the Election Could Be Bad for Mamdani” - NYC media

Have any comics thought of recording themselves in 4K asking if two people in the crowd are “dating” or “together” and then following it with zero jokes whatsoever? Seems like it could be big

I’m a traditional conservative. I care about things all traditional conservatives care about. The Super Bowl halftime show. Women’s swimming. Mexican people I see at the grocery store. They might not even be Mexican. Could be Italian, or even like a hard Greek, but either way I’m calling the cops

“Dedication Night” on dancing with the stars. Rumor is one of the Mormon Housewives is gonna do a samba in honor of Charlie Kirk

Really nice piece here defector.com/there-will-n...

Auspicious start for the new CBS News, laundering unattributed cop shit-talking through the incoming editor-in-chief’s blog and failing to correct a misspelling of the story subject’s name in the web headline for three days.

Tfw Kershaw sees two men holding hands

Reclusive hair, more like

Comic friend of mine in first class while I’m in Comfort+. Devastating demonstration of career failure on my part

“I left my wife, Nicole Kidman, because I was sick of her, Nicole Kidman, needing me to have sex with her, Nicole Kidman” do you hear yourself man

(48 year old parent of 3 after making a mortgage payment) TAYLOR’S LYRICS AREN’T DOING IT FOR ME!

Insane to show promote on this app BUT, if you’re in NYC and follow me, you would enjoy everyone at the show this Thursday, 10/2 at The Gutter in Brooklyn. I host this one twice a year and it rips. 9 pm, good time promised

“I’m kind of sarcastic” = “I’m not funny but I will frequently say something that seems unnecessarily mean”

fuck ice airing commercials during dynamite, let em know: help.hbomax.com/us/Feedback/ tbsnetwork.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/req...

Insane to show promote on this app BUT, if you’re in NYC and follow me, you would enjoy everyone at the show this Thursday, 10/2 at The Gutter in Brooklyn. I host this one twice a year and it rips. 9 pm, good time promised

I think I’d have more time for the Charlie K pearl clutching and the “how dare Luigi” folks if those weren’t the same people who shrugged off police killing innocent people by saying “hey we all do an oopsy sometimes!”

I make most of my money from comedy, and the rest from betting against James Franklin in big games

"the menswear guy isn't fair and balanced." do you even hear yourself? "fork lady is eroding public confidence." "ladder baby is undermining the credibility of the field." "lemon raccoon is acting without transparency or accountability." that's what you sound like.

At a bar in a college town and the drink orders sound like QBs calling audibles. “Double mango tango, #3. Mango tango. Spicy Pete! 2 spicy Pete!”

I’m a big enough late night history nerd that I successfully predicted a Jack Paar shout out with Kimmel’s “as I was saying…” opener. I am dork

Bill Maher was literally born before interstate highways existed and he hosts a show called “Club Random” and wears shirts that just say “Weed” on it. Maybe we don’t have to worry about him as a serious intellect anymore

Shout out to Democratic fundraising strategy, that took the format of scammer texts, but tweaked it to make every single one longer than The Catcher In The Rye

(Audio file of my wife sighing) @grok what does this mean

Guess he also said something about Charlie Kirk

McLaughlin pointed to the sky after missing that field goal, which actually makes it look like he’s blaming god. “You did this”

I have a friend from the south who thinks every saying is unique to the south. “In the south we have a saying, all’s well that ends well.” That’s not regional. That’s a basic nothingism. You’re just saying words

Honestly, this isn’t the place to say something so divisive as “go birds”

Hiller!!!!! This is what happens when you teach me improv in the 2010s

Thank God Adrien Brody isn’t nominated for an Emmy tonight, the Boys And Girls Club of America would end up with zero dollars after his speech

Welp, they just did a 9/11 tribute at the Savannah Bananas game

In the important games, Bergvall has to be in. What a player

This Spurs West Ham game has had some truly atrocious refereeing. Donaghy ass referees

With all the love in my heart, a genuinely sincere question I’d love to hear answers to: why do you find Pat McAfee entertaining?

As a coach, you have to give Deion Sanders this: he recruits his own children very well