Sunday coffee is the best coffee

You're just jealous because I know the perfect Kool-aid to sugar ratio

Goes to Starbucks Orders a black coffee

I'd do some weird shit for a grilled cheese

Happy Monday, turds!

Imagine hating me and I'm listening to club hits from 2006 while drinking coffee

The 700 Club turned me into a rebellious youth for replacing my Sunday morning cartoons

Face down ass up . Me picking up a lucky penny.

Me: Hey, babe. You wanna have a threesome? *slowly puts sock puppet on my left hand*

You can't look serious in a bucket hat so why try

I'll seduce you with my flannel pajama pants on

any crocs can be snow crocs if you just wear them in the snow

Mission Impossible theme in my head while I pin this on my mother-in-law’s shawl

I always ask if it's a "good" baby like they're not gonna lie if it's had 5 exorcisms

Fine I'll get outta bed... ughh!

could never marry someone with a peanut allergy, the temptation is just too high

Is it time to start the weekend yet?

Another night spent tossing and turning because I couldn't figure out what to do with my arms.

Dolly PartOn *claps twice* Dolly PartOff

The inability to breathe through your nose when you brush your teeth is like inhaling two packs of Newports.

You can have my soul but don't touch my chicken nuggets

a tanning bed is just a george foreman for cannibals.

You can turn anything into a milkshake if your blender is strong enough.

My eyes just rolled so far back in my head that I saw my own ass.

🎬 1,031 but it’s just another selfie

Wheel of Fortune but it’s just a cheese wheel I’m tryna stuff old Chinese food fortunes into

Taking thirst traps in my long underwear

Hopefully, my Limewire downloads from 2005 finish today

I put a hair net on my bush. You're welcome!

I bet mead drunk at 1 am at the tavern hit when the minstrel play that banger

Until further notice all my social skills will be replaced with armpit farts.

The last time I had sex Afro Man was on the Billboards Top 100

If you show your butt at Mardis Gras, they throw anal beads at you ... Nice catch!

Sup

A pickle for your problems

Goodbye long hair

🎵ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS [ₐ ᵦᵢ𝓰 ₜᵢₜₜᵧ 𝓰ₒₜₕ 𝓰ᵢᵣₗ𝒻ᵣᵢₑₙ𝒹] YOOOOUUUUU🎵

I stole my therapist's notebook and every page is just those cool S shapes from the 90s

I get it, my enthusiasm can be overwhelming

I'm not Danish but I'm still tasty

Krampus gonna get you

Reverse cowgirl so I don't have to share my Reese's trees

Coffee tastes better alone and without pants on

“We, the men on BlueSky of the interwebs, do hereby seek petition to formally declare the act of not wearing a bra as ‘Free Bouncing’, and furthermore would say this becomes the social norm for slang in this circumstance.” ~Sincerely, Dan & Seann

Not wearing a bra should be called free bouncing