If you call everyone dude then you don't have to remember anyone's name, dude.

My platform is fajitas all, regardless of race, gender or socioeconomic status.

I don't chew gum because I can't handle the additional responsibility. Know your limits people.

Are there any good ground rules for cutting things off your face with fingernail clippers?

Everything is stupid.

Cigarette smoking but as a team building exercise.

The key to happiness is making fewer choices.

I will make snacks if you teach me how to dance.

Doing things is stressful so let's not do them.

Suing the news for giving me anxiety

I got in the shower. A large spider jumped in. I got out, toweled off, and walked away. This is called Nope Not One More Thing

Humor and playfulness are always sexy

hold on, i need to be five years old finding out it's parachute day in gym class for a minute

My preferred method of communication is smoke signal.

I just told my gf about the time I raised orphan baby possums. Not everyone has their own possum story.

Having a crisis because I need more pens but don't have one to write it down on this post-it note.

Fun Fact: Did you know that corporate puts DayQuil in the break room to stimulate creativity and collaboration?

My telomeres have split ends

If your turn-signal is really an inquiry then the answer is no.

Have yourself a merry little meltdown

Today's Spotlight Employee is @ennuidoofen.bsky.social who started as a blackjack dealer and worked her way up to managing our sportsbook where she embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from our customers. She was immediately promoted to the marketing department. Say hi.

If you don't say wtf about me pretty frequently I wonder wtf is wrong with you

My hobbies this season include suffering, being confused, and chapped lips.

At the age now where I just describe the ways I can’t use new technology

I was supposed to be a ninja turtle. None of this is going to plan. Where are my nun-chucks?

*anxiety goes away* but what if it comes back in five minutes? what do I need to do for these five minutes? (think about that for six minutes)

eating grape-nuts cereal because i hate myself

Everything I do is unsanctioned.

I could stop drinking coffee after the nausea and anxiety takes hold but that would make way too much sense.

If at first you don't succeed, get used to it. This is your life now.

Blunts are my love language.

Don't think because you saw me wearing five fluffy layers, teeth chattering, tears running down my face that I'm not hard. I'm hard AF

Wish I could be less self-aware. Y’all seem so happy.

The serenity prayer is way too long. God grant me the breakfast

I hope my coworkers don't get scared when my eyes roll up into my head and I enter my dormant state

Canceling meetings is as good as having an orgasm. Fuckin love that shit.

The actors in the cybersecurity training I just watched are all obnoxiously attractive. Like, almost distractingly so…

Did you know that if you don't make eye contact with anyone at work they're legally not allowed to talk to you?

I regret having made human contact in this lifetime.

🫵 stop using Amazon 🫵

Sex is not enough I need to kill you

But this is my emotional support spooky season.

Terrible at articulating my thoughts because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

SEIZE THE FIENDS OF PRODUCTION

crouching tigger hidden dragnet

do you see what people who put up with me have to put up with

Can we smoke in here?

Leaving this cup of coffee wide open for people to put drugs in it.

Oh, I made these poor decisions on purpose.