Wait, is Burger King buying Warner Brothers?

My self care routine is mostly screaming fck you out my car window when I pass a house w a Trump flag

Happy Ides of March to those who celebrate!!!!

Daily Affirmations: 1. Nothing wrong with me. 2. Nothing wrong with me. 3. Nothing wrong with me. 4. Nothing wrong with me. 1. Something's got to give. 2. Something's got to give. 3. Something's got to give.

i understand these mfs so much now

Hey America, I have an idea about how you can celebrate the Ides of March in a traditional way…

The world is run by men I wouldn’t trust to throw my used tampon away

them: are you still watching those videos of people installing metal fasteners? me: yes, it's riveting

I tried Highguard before it disappeared, and - spoilers - didn’t have a *great* time with it…

happy friday the 13th everyone!

“i can’t wait to sleep in on my day off!”- me, now awake at 6am

crime dog you gotta find some better wording for this

Your daily Olive pupdate.

straights and canals

Me: Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just a little stressed. Not a big deal though. Also me:

we need a disney princess with ibs

Put both Lady Grey and Earl Grey in my mug, calling it royal tea

Taco Bell is now just as expensive as Chipotle. Baffling.

so stressed i might have to go get a pack

Libras are such a grift, I gotta say

@cynicaltherapist.bsky.social are you accepting new clients?

I want a horde of puzzle solving racoons to do my bidding

I have not always been the best with money but relax, this bottle of wine wearing a cape cost UNDER $18

thinking again about the greatest scene in cinema history

i guess i just don’t understand how we, as humans, made queso dip and the next obvious step in our evolution wasn’t world peace?

When I keep having to remove me headphones because someone keeps talking to me

Add a letter, ruin a song Shit Me With Your Best Shot

BREATHES HEAVILY… so uh. who wants to go to this w me in Chicago 👀

Happy MarTEN day to all the Martens out there. 🎉

i’m a pleasant motherfucker

Long-time buddies Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols were out for a pleasant van drive in Oklahoma when, all of a sudden, their lives would change.

On today's episode, the guys celebrate 11 years of the show and prepare for the coming battle with the wizards. Listen to the latest episode here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/h...

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...

Monday...

Jacked action hero with goon in headlock, in raspy yet firm voice:

happy international women's day if you're not a woman, you should give $5 to one

To all the different women across the Continent, Night City, and beyond… In every universe, remember your strength, have the courage to fulfill your dreams, and always cherish yourself! Happy International Women's Day #IWD2026 #InternationalWomensDay

Yes they do

Time has stolen an hour of my sleep and I will not be forgiving or forgetting

Not all haunted dolls are Victorian, but all Victorian dolls are haunted

I’m glad our thoughts don't appear in bubbles above our heads otherwise I would be in jail or a mental hospital

〜今日の〜

Fox News had a plastic surgeon comment on the war in Iran, so I’m not asking, I’m begging a giant asteroid — any asteroid — to take one for the team and make contact with our civilization

Please god just put him out of our misery

I cannot control my facial expressions😩, if you irritate me you'll see it immediately.