too smart for threads, too stupid for mastodon. just right for bluesky

I found your controller. I’m pressing the urinate button over and over

every single Star Wars movie in my life has been worse than the movie before it. So that means that every single new Star Wars movie that I see, that's the worst Star Wars movie ever made

do you think the ghost of grogu haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found?

this memorial day, give her memes

op-ed writer with the premium cable package and a landline: young people today spend too much money on food delivery

i was expecting a different song

logging on

Discovering there's a tier below "As Seen on TV"

i once tore my shoulder just getting out of bed one morning so it's very important i stay in bed as much as possible

The way this is written I’m not sure if he got 6 years for meth distribution or for crossing Nintendos lawyers but both possibilities are equally likely

buttballs

maybe I’ll try not fucking up today

regrettably while dodging multiple large spinning hunks of exhaust debris, i involuntarily broke this resolution bsky.app/profile/mrco...

to the person on the freeway who did not see an entire automotive exhaust system laying in the road ahead of you: you really should have gotten off at the next exit after you obliterated it

Saw the cloud that looks like a skeleton jacking off again

To each a zone

fucking video game scenery ass vending machine

We are doing this to baby yoda at noon

look when i said you remind me of gollum i didn't mean that in a bad way

this town could use at least one cool dad

enjoy delicious pizza

me trying to explain to St. Peter that what i did to people in arc raiders isn’t really stealing

didn't you put your phone in the pool because it was too hot or something?

turning a little dial on the bathroom stall door from "pissing" to "pooping"

We should all post about the same thing bc that sounds like fun

Good thing i screencapped it

going back to work after a week off and finding apparently i didn't have enough work to do so i got more

doing some prep work and lighting tests on a thing

(waking up from a nap) fuck we're not dead

flamin' hot band-aids

we're all thinking it

they say do what you're best at, which is why i got a job lighting a second cigarette before i've finished the first one

friend: everything sucks nowadays, i wish i could get access to a time machine to fix all this bullshit going on me: (pauses while housing a bag of fresh keebler pizzarias chips) huh, yeah i guess you could do that too

no i can't go out tonight, i have to stay home and clean my penis

Something’s wrong with my weird helicopter

MUPPET TRENT REZNOR: what have I become / my swedish friend? SWEDISH CHEF: ervie wurr ye durr gurrs awerre en de ern

whether it's really 32-bit or 64-bit is immaterial the atari jaguar failed because the custom chips were hard to program but it had a motorola 68000 which wasn't intended to run the games, but everyone knew the 68000 so all the games look like genesis historian: stuff like this is why bluesky died

you should be able to buy like a big fucking thing of magic shell

NASA announced the Perseverance rover on Mars sent an alert to Mission Control reading, "I'm really pissed off at Steve and I'm coming back there to kick his ass." They added the rover has indeed found some way to fly back to Earth and that Steve is just shitting himself.

I have some good news and bad news. First, Jonathan the Tortoise is still alive. It was a hoax. The bad news: I flew here to ask you to come back for one last job. We need you to kill Jonathan the Tortoise.

In retrospect this is very funny

very surreal moment today visiting my 70 year old mother when she opened a just-delivered package, taking out of it and unfolding an american flag with sans from undertale in the center of it it was meant for another address but i briefly thought there was some shit about my mom i didn't know

in the stripped club. straight up 'jorking it'. and by 'it', haha, well. let's justr say. My P3NY5

Gang. GANG. Here's that Ghanian bootleg Cheers artwork you were looking for.

saw these guys on the news that set the diarrhea clock to "89 seconds to diarrhea" and after moving the hands they pointed directly to the camera and mouthed my name

"academy award nominee glans mansmann ('answering the whispers of the world' (1998) and 'the marseilles letters' (2001)) stars in this rollicking adventure that guarantees you'll never look at road trips the same way again!" --blurb on the bluray cover for "fart disaster" (2015)

i just got cut in half while I was running and my top did a bunch of flips and landed perfectly on the bottom half (which had still been running) and the two halves grew back together but no one was watching