"please rate your package delivery" i mean ill click the smiley face because i assume it impacts the poor bastard who delivered it but i must impress upon you that forcing both him and i into this situation is an act of utter inhumanity and furthermore that god frowns upon your deeds

are you rich, or does the crock pot go on top of the refrigerator

tv: "ask your doctor about [pill i'm just hearing about for the first time]" me: haha this funny joke ad with a joke drug name me: it's a joke right? me: i don't think it's a joke

"Anti-ice" was also on the snowplow that got Jeremy Renner

Please don't call it that

i feel in most relationships one partner is miss piggy and one partner is kermit. it's important to understand which one you are

things kind of stink now but you basically dont have to hear that pearl jam song "jeremy" anymore ever unless you actively want to hear it. it used to be you would be hear eddie vedder hooting like five or six times a day and you were powerless to stop it

when a dog goes on a boat for a long time, like a navy ship, they don't know what a boat is, one day they just went up some stairs onto this big weird porch and now they're floating on the water every day and this is what life is now

*mahomes throws an ill-advised backwards pass and loses like 15 yards* cris collinsworth: what a majestic play he made to recover that ball

just don't look behind it

I’m not a cocksucker i’m a blowtician

Posting early 90s minivans as a timeline cleanse.

professor x looking into wolverines mind and seeing that he has eaten 12,000 hot dogs in his life and going oh my god

Make a band singular: Man Without Hat

The clinic where Optimus Prime’s proctologist works

When some normal modern day character runs off with their magical sci-fi hero/ine from a far off future or alternate dimension at the end of an adventure, I'm always like, are you sure they're going to have everything you need there? You don't even know if they have any effective antihistamines

i've been busy so i've not gotten to watch much football yet this season, but i gotta say the football i have gotten to watch has been really bad

me all day long: *discard draft* no i shouldn't post that. *discard draft* nah, i better not *discard draft*

my anxiety, after spending a year-and-a-half coming up with all the ways i'll fail a project i've been planning, executing, and dreading every step of, and being 95% done with it and it's gone off pretty much without a hitch the whole time: this proves nothing

what's your first bookmark, mine is this

guffawmming - guffawing while cumming

Uncomfortable thought experiment: you've won a half-billion dollars in the lottery, and you need to consider the ratio of money you give to needy charities versus what you'd spend assembling a team to make a sequel to Alpha Protocol and at what point that ratio no longer becomes morally repugnant

Who wants to go halfsies on the Shruck?

me: i'm trying to stay positive doctor: then i have some good news

i sort my music library by decade, and i think my 90s folder is my least serious one

I'm officially 38 now like the rest of you assholes.

i saw the very first final destination movie in downtown indianapolis and when the movie let out, i was like, fuck that lampost is going to kill me, i'm gonna die crossing that intersection, that sign is going to fall on me, and i never wanted to see any of the sequels, they got it in one

Now watching with Mrs F, I hope it's not woke

getting a lot of distressing news good thing i'm too high and drunk to care

wearing the underwear that's kinda uncomfortable but not so uncomfortable it's worth throwing away

i've never looked older than i do today though i suppose that's kind of how it works

Jesus after coming back to Earth:

rosining my hands, tightening up the glove, stepping up with the ball, getting the perfect spin on release, and knocking down 6 pins to finish the 10th frame with a 98

me: i need to think of something creative brain: *dial-up modem sounds* i got nothin man also brain: oh hey i came up with a new irrational fear about how you might fuck everything up, and this one involves both a u-haul truck and a hypothetical rabid animal

You're probably going to have to be slightly more specific than this.

i don't got it in me to block anymore people today

whatever chain pizza you hate is the one i'm eating

sometimes humanity sucks, but then sometimes humanity creates a potato sorting system

if you're not getting high before going into the aquarium what the fuck are you even doing

pissing loudly to assert dominance

several months ago i made a series of fuckups that led to millions of lives being upended. i’m not doing anything to help but i did write a book about how i fucked up. it’s called “whoopsy-doodle” and available where all fine books are sold. no personal checks.

and the award for best sound effect in a youtube video goes to, for the 19th consecutive year, "perfectly timed fart noise when someone fails"

my daughter talks a lot of shit for someone I am letting win mario kart

We all have a 2 week window where we can pour vodka into our celsius at work and act like we didn't know

tinnitus but it sounds like the samsung "washing machine's done" song

imagining you imagining me imagining you imagining me imagining you eating a burger

i left a little pill container in a pants pocket when i did the laundry and everything in it dissolved so now all my clothes are lightly infused with antidepressants