bonk if you're borny

[Job interview] Hiring manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years? My brain: Don't say driving a killdozer! Me: Driving a goaldozer through all of my challenges Hiring Manager: You're hired

Can’t sleep? Simple methods that work: • study hurricane forecast • who hates me • what did i forget • relive supreme humiliation • win 12-yr-old argument • buried alive? could happen • what i did vs should have done • dead people i miss • what if i’m bad • why do i say stuff • what’s my fuckin deal

america reaching 250 like one of those nascar crashes across the finish line

coughing theatrically

I'm impressed by the existence of Lay's Stax. The world's biggest name in snack foods looked at what Pringles was doing and said, "you know, we should also get into the shitty chips market."

Anyone do this yet

this was exactly like reality, except for the having 443 dollars part

i've said "yo what the fuck" too many times today

Apps used to be programs. Fav and RT if you remember how apps used to be programs

Finalmente a tecnologia sendo usada pelo bem da humanidade

we have to find the giraffe before rfk jr does

very surreal moment today visiting my 70 year old mother when she opened a just-delivered package, taking out of it and unfolding an american flag with sans from undertale in the center of it it was meant for another address but i briefly thought there was some shit about my mom i didn't know

maybe the funniest mets loss i have been to. marcus semien committed 3 routine fielding errors on free marcus semien jersey night and a "we don't want them" chant started. people took them off and threw them out mid game

:3

i'm glad i got to see the reflecting pool before it started shitting itself and needed to be cordoned off

petting a cat and locking the fuck in

“Predator” hit theaters on this date in 1987.

Gr*gu

words to live by

getting too old to spend 4 hours detailing a car

You used to be able to google the time of the sunset, and Google would give you the exact time right on top every single time. Thankfully, with artificial intelligence, you can now ask Google what time the sun will set and it will conveniently tell you "I don't know."

breaking news: some guy's being a huge prick

too smart for threads, too stupid for mastodon. just right for bluesky

I found your controller. I’m pressing the urinate button over and over

every single Star Wars movie in my life has been worse than the movie before it. So that means that every single new Star Wars movie that I see, that's the worst Star Wars movie ever made

do you think the ghost of grogu haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found?

this memorial day, give her memes

op-ed writer with the premium cable package and a landline: young people today spend too much money on food delivery

i was expecting a different song

logging on

Discovering there's a tier below "As Seen on TV"

i once tore my shoulder just getting out of bed one morning so it's very important i stay in bed as much as possible

The way this is written I’m not sure if he got 6 years for meth distribution or for crossing Nintendos lawyers but both possibilities are equally likely

buttballs

maybe I’ll try not fucking up today

regrettably while dodging multiple large spinning hunks of exhaust debris, i involuntarily broke this resolution bsky.app/profile/mrco...

to the person on the freeway who did not see an entire automotive exhaust system laying in the road ahead of you: you really should have gotten off at the next exit after you obliterated it

Saw the cloud that looks like a skeleton jacking off again

To each a zone

fucking video game scenery ass vending machine

We are doing this to baby yoda at noon

look when i said you remind me of gollum i didn't mean that in a bad way

this town could use at least one cool dad