if i didn't let the intrusive thoughts win, i wouldn't get anything done

saying "what" in increasing pitch and volume each day the past week when looking at forecasted snow totals

now we wait

if you ever need help with the little quiz that shows up on your windows lock screen, the answer is always "penis"

#CursedZillow stream is back! www.twitch.tv/geop This image is unrelated, but it found its way into my Zillow Horrors folder somehow

Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere

napkins should be tortillas. you’re wiping food off your face; that food is still good. it can go on the tortilla, and then you get to eat it at the end. why am I always the one coming up with the good fucking ideas

honestly… can we give it up for sauces❔🙌💯 reskeet if you love sauces 😎🤙

FUCK YOU IT'S JANUARY!!!

ok this year is already getting old

imagining a license plate: Indiana Absolutely Not

this was where the early web was going and somehow we fucked it all up

me who saves memes without ever changing their filenames so they're all like sjdk98vhjaqoe732sl2pjqme9dnc.jpg: why can't i find this meme i saved

going back in time to give someone in the 12th century a lofthouse cookie to eat and watching it blow their fucking mind apart

i may have liked your post because it was funny or i may have liked it because i thought about it for an inordinately long time or maybe it's both. and you'll never know which one

ME: i love pizza TOMBSTONE: you sure?

All the boys think she's a spy, She's got Steve Buscemi eyes.

me watching any video where they put fake camera graphics on the screen: no way in hell you're using an f-stop of 2.8

my son got two different toy fire trucks for christmas. two. and despite being considerably more familiar with their purpose and operation, i didn’t receive a single fucking fire truck

Many people’s main concern is whether or not they have heard a peep

[gonzo voice] and the Grink, who was NOT there,

“Oh you should be online to try to provide value to your political side” fuck that that’s nerd shit you should be online because you’re unwell and need to tell people about weird animals you saw

what class of mail is it when your package is in a facility literally 10 miles away and they say you can't have it for 6 more days?

i was snitched on by the naughty list

Only 99 cents? That's a good deal.

hello, this is elias sports bureau. uh huh. uh huh. what? no, man, that's not possible.

which basically just won me my fantasy week shoutout jalen hurts man

when they leave out the brown butter chocolate chip cookies

i'm using microsoft excel for fun

honk

no one has ever happily embraced after uttering these words, this has never happened

wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving shit

kate beckinsale’s daughter’s boyfriend checking his phone: oh wow i’m really trending on social media, let’s see what everyone has been saying about me

imagine not having a big pile of kroger bags under your sink

we crashed 100 cars to find out which ones were secretly alive

me: i need to think of something creative brain: *dial-up modem sounds* i got nothin man also brain: oh hey i came up with a new irrational fear about how you might fuck everything up, and this one involves both a u-haul truck and a hypothetical rabid animal

bursting through the door running and panting onto the set of g-rated family-friendly film "boner: the dog that loves bones" and ruining the take: "everybody we're in big trouble, i just found out it means something else"

(spraying cupcake icing from a can into my open mouth) he should have caught that

that video is fake, that's an AI making me trip and fall and my dick falls out of my pants and goes into my own ass

video game news headline in 2033: arc raiders is adding moe the bartender

me: i forgot to take my meds today Donkey Kong: 👑🍑?? me: yeah? what about her? Donkey Kong: 🏗🦍🛢🔥!! me: that’s your answer for everything

glancing at my watch becoming staring at my watch thinking man I really like this watch

me explaining bluesky to my friends: it's the only community i've ever been a part of where i don't have to explain who caroline polachek is

The sandwich throwing incident is great news for Subway executives, who weren't very pleased with the previous Google search results for "subway sandwich guy."

what a day to be a hater

middle-click, move the mouse pointer down a 1/4 inch, that's how you set the cruise control on bluesky

every star trek episode is titled Ere Fire Down From Olympus Came and every plot is "what if a comet had a milf on it"