the person drawing undertale fanart at this dj’d event got up briefly to dance to a rupaul/rodrick hall mashup and then sat back down

alright here's mine. i might be just a little pessimistic

when you're conceived, your "self" begins borrowing matter from the universe like checking out books from a library. in a tub your feet exchange particles with the water. where do you end and begin? that's why it's ontologically impossible to get mad at me for stealing pens from the bank. they're me

‘Formula One’? Yeah, I got a formula for ya 🖕

I had no idea that Diane Feinstein escaped the Confederates twice

just got a job as a disgruntled employee

We got to make using AI to figure out personal gifts a social crime. Most gifts suck to begin with but now you’ve literally taken the thought out of it’s the thought that counts

this pic of my dad opening a gag gift at a frat christmas party circa 1980 has renaissance painting vibes

Good morning to everyone except the man in the yellow Hazmat suit who's staring at me through the glass

When you see me in person and my overcoat isn't actually that massive and flowing, no you didn't

guy outside the bar on speaker talking about how “gay” the motorcycle he was tricked into buying is??

INVENTOR OF THE LIBRARY: hey check this out

Bartholomeus Fornicator Germany, Prussia, West Prussia, Catholic and Lutheran Church Records, 1537-1981

They should invent a California where you can afford to live

Can we normalize lighting stuff on fire?

stay tuned

feeling left out in CA where our election results won’t start coming in for another hour

Calories are one of my favorite snacks

Plethora would be a beautiful name for quite a lot of things actually

Antonius Windpassing Austria, Catholic Church Records, 1565-2007

does anybody know if i have to keep going tomorrow

It should be a human right to live in an economy that doesn’t go boom and bust nonsensically

getting pried out by the jaws of life after getting my whole arm stuck in the cannabis amnesty box

it turn out the solution to everything is friendship and community? i feel bad and then i serve my community and spend time with my friends and it’s all better? more at 11

Memes are fucking disgusting and won't exist under fundamentalism

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

There’s Alfred and Albert but no Bertfred or Fredbert. And they call this a free country

fixed it, here’s the vibe

bad news: got broken up with by live-in gf of almost 2 years worse news: my phone is bricking itself and won’t let any app access my photos so i can’t even post images of stock photo models having heart attacks to express how i feel

You an Ionic guy? Doric? Little bit of column A, little bit of column B?

Christ and Chesty Serum

All these “Never too late” later-in-life success stories are always about people who dedicated themselves tirelessly to achieving their dream. What would really speak to me would be a “Never too late” later-in-life success story about someone who sat around waiting for something to happen to them.

You have obtained 𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗶𝗺𝘄𝗶𝘁. Your stupidity is ten bigger.

I know that it’s because of the ceasefire but all the donations stopping right when there are actual affordable food in the markets is rough for people

Fixed some of the labels

has somebody made some sort of course for teenage boys to keep them from becoming incels

The most misused word in the English language is "me". Everyone uses it to refer to themselves, but actually, it refers to me.

the cutting edge

It takes 30 days to grow a radish. Also 2/3 of the country is already in or entering winter.

schools 20 years ago removing phonics instruction for some reason:

free line for democrats to use on the white house shit: donald trump has done what the flight 93 hijackers couldn’t

CUTE GIRL: *holds up cigarette* got a match ME: *holds up an identical cigarette* yes

I fucking knew it.

the plan lacked something in sophistication, you say?

MY BRAIN WHEN I COME HOME DRUNK: Put your shoes somewhere weird. Don’t forget to put your shoes somewhere super weird.

waking up from a coma to find I’m in a world where Die Antwoord never existed but failing to get much traction for my solo rendition of “I Fink U Freeky”

Pussy Brickhouse United States, Census, 1880