And a pa-rum-pum-pum-pum to you too, good Sir.

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

TIMBER, HIS ARMS WIDE

That thing you're working on that needs to be done today? Just send an email at 5.29pm saying "Please find [The Thing] attached", but don't attach The Thing. Then stick your out of office on. That way it looks like you did it, and you've now got til next year to actually do it. The perfect crime.

Some thoughts on this thing, which I've seen pop up a lot of times today. I'm often confronted with nervous, insecure adolescent students who are early on their musical journeys, have been bitten by the bug a little and have now become intimidated by the idea that they expect something of…

A father and son are in a terrible car accident. Father dies at the scene and son is rushed to hospital. At hospital the surgeon walks in, looks at the patient and says 🧑‍⚕️: "I cannot operate on this boy." 🧑‍⚕️👩‍⚕️👨‍⚕️: "But doctor, why not?" ask colleagues. 🧑‍⚕️: "Because I am... 🤡🤡🤡 GREAT CLOWN PAGLIACCI🤡🤡🤡"

"And Tiny Tim, who did not die" = heartwarming, Christmassy. "And Tiny Tim, who would not die" = sinister, alarming.

"Listen, Roald, we *love* the story, it's clearly another winner, but we just... look, we just feel it might be wise if the F stood for 'Friendly' instead?"

Is it usual to write articles using "Mom! Dad! Bart's DEAD!" sentence structure?

In the episode where Homer adopts a pet lobster it is called Mr Pinchy. In the European French version of The Simpsons, Mr Pinchy is instead called Homard Simpson (homard means lobster in French)

gravy boats imply the existence of gravy maritime law

If a train wore trousers would it wear them like this or like this?

u/TheMyrrhster AITA FOR FEELING UPSTAGED BY OTHER BABY SHOWER GIFTS? Hi everyone. I (39/M) am en route w/ Balthazar and Melchior to a baby shower in Bethlehem. We agreed a spending limit beforehand but I've just seen B&M's gifts and feel like they deliberately overspent to make me look bad...AITA?

Just bought half a dozen advent calendars and going to eat the whole lot tonight, so this time tomorrow it'll be July.

In M&S buying jeans and wondering when they stopped selling old people clothes and started selling clothes for young hip people like myself

Does anyone have contact details for the person who decided to put Bountys in Celebrations? I just want to talk.

Finally caved in and age-verified myself, chiefly because BlueSky locked me out until I did. Still, at least it means when I next get ID'd at the supermarket I can post something on BlueSky and be like "Could an underage person do THIS???"

Nobody. I do not think you can eat chair

I feel like there isn't enough discourse around what a ridiculous name "Craven Cottage" is for a football ground.

BODMAS time Mistletoe and wine 45÷X = 9 If Y = 30 and Z = 3 Then (((Y÷5)+(X×Z))÷Z)+X = ???

How delightfully quaint some of these old Devon village names are, their etymologies lost in the mists of time.

HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS FISH TALE BUT HERE'S MY HARPOON SO CALL ME ISHMAEL

on my way to steal your grill

column on the mansion tax refugees www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

Just got off the phone with Corporate and they said you can take the rest of the year off. Yeah they said don't worry about it. Any problems just put them onto me. Have a great Christmas.

Die Hard is a film.

BBC Sport asks "What's behind snooker's 147 boom?". www.bbc.co.uk/sport/snooke... Have we considered…?

The game's gone.

What idiot called that little narc Elf on the Shelf and not Police Navidad?

Not doing Whamageddon this year; I prefer to celebrate quietly with friends. Although I will be going all out for Club Tropocalypse.

*steps into Christmas*

Oh no I've just been Whamageddoned. My punishment? I get to listen to a lovely song that I quite like, so joke's on you.

Hornblower is a Christmas film. Change my mind.

Pleasantly surprised at what a good purchase this was. £20 from Lakeland. Good for crumbs, dust, dirt, cat hair, cat litter, or for cleaning keyboards, work surfaces, floors, stairs. USB charged so easy to just grab it and use wherever, and saves getting out/plugging in the Big Hoover.

Not saying I drive the fastest car in the galaxy, but it once made a Tesco run for less than 12 parsnips.

Don't give people* who are still wearing shorts the satisfaction. "Oh, you're wearing shorts in this weather?!" That's what they want. Don't give them the satisfaction. *Postal workers excluded.

Can finally get round to building that rocket I've been meaning to build since I was 8.

I feel like there isn't enough discourse around how bad and nonsensical and ruinous the whole Dynamax thing is in Pokemon Go.

Credit where it's due, ihateironing.com is an absolute gamechanger for dry cleaning Just sent a duvet off for an emergency (cat-related) clean and they picked it up within 20 minutes of me placing the order. I've had Ubers take longer than that.

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Twitter and chat gpt are down. Bad day for people who suck.

Every day someone new learns that Oscar Isaac was in a late 90s Christian ska band. Who will today’s person be.

You kids think saying numbers is cool? 67? How 'bout 9/11? Still having fun? Didn't think so.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

www.bbc.co.uk/news/article... - Back when I was involved with Scouts there was a leader who did this, but basically over 25 years. "I used to be in the army" was his whole personality. Nice bloke. Hugely popular around the village, no one ever had cause to question it.

If I could just go one day without being needlessly vague, that would be quite something.

Nice heights you got there be a shame if someone wuthered them

Bea's having some pretty major surgery tomorrow and she's going to need to be extra brave (as will I). Fingers crossed for Bea.

barista: can i take your name james bond: the name's bond barista: ok james bond: james bond barista: well i've written bond now james bond: it's ok don't barista: i can get a new cup james bond: no it's fine barista: it's not a problem james bond: just go with bond