not me, I only have sex with married men

mall employees when the shoppers won't leave:

I hope Phoebe lives here

bro

‼️

ok this is pretty cute

nut today, satan

is it illegal to fill a gas can with water to water my lawn

this guy in front of me at Burger King, face covered in tattoos, ordered his food and asked if he could get the ice cream cone first. just devoured the thing while waiting for his meal. I love this planet

guitar players 🤝 gays after Taco Bell "dammit I snapped another G-string"

is there like a circlejerk but just for shoulder rubs

are there supposed to be 2.4k trainers in one raid or

greetings from Kalos

everything is getting smarter except the people

zombies when they find a shiny:

oh good, they're finally installing that double-decker glory hole I wanted

I don't like baths. there I said it

a crunchwrap supreme is over $6 now but if you add a burrito, chips, and a drink you save 50 cents

if you're alone on Valentine's Day just remember that the perfect man for you is out there. and for most of you, it's me.

hey baby are you medusa because I'm stoned

I opened 32 promo packs and got 7 Mega Medicham ex 😮

Cut People Cut People

do they douche with semen before taking it in the ass

they've literally got us hauling garbage in this update and you know what? I bet I'm gonna love it

this is just a joke, I only wear one ring and it ain't on my finger

The best thing about sex with my husband is that sometimes his boyfriend lets me watch

GOOD MORNING

if i were a gym leader I'd put my gym inside a power plant and I'd say things like "Get ready for a shocking battle!" and then I'd just have like Grass types or something

Oak: "it's time to begin your Pokémon adventure!" the Rattata on Route 1:

I slept with @gernst196.bsky.social

how I feel watching the super bowl

Bad Bunny / Brad Bunny

okay I'll bite. who's Brad Bunny

they should invent a me that can sleep past 4:30am

I planned the whole thing and Leilani shafted us

had a cute little date with @gernst196.bsky.social

never talk to me or my son ever again

when you're out cruising and you see a guy with a hanky in his back pocket:

tired: bitch please inspired:

Happy birthday Mewtwo.

we did it joe 😭

anyway please spoon me I'll take either position

why do we say big spoon and little spoon? to put real spoons in this position they have to be the same size

I have been informed that this is a pineapple

me: *tries to sleep* me: wait why did Jujyfruits include a fish shape??

but what if I get a XXXL onesie and we zip ourselves up together

I called up the captain, he said "I haven't 69'd here since 1969"