The ravens that nest under the eaves of the local Buddhist temple were out loudly defending their space from all rivals this morning. Note: There were no rivals.

If anyone wants to get me an Easter basket my favorite candy is hundred dollar bills

Dannny DeVito’s name means ‘Danny of the vitamin’ in Spanish.

Letting the bones out to breathe.

replacing my eyelid with a Venus fly trap

Filling all the lonely space with sand but then the sand tells me that it has its own lonely spaces and nobody will call water because the death of phone calls is why we're both so the unsaturated emoji

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

I said what I said - me, forgetting what I said

The Oxford comma is the very best and worst of us as a species.

oh yeah, but can you do this..... *blank stares at the wall

I’ll interpretative dance my way out of an awkward situation, and then never answer any of your calls going forward.

[through clenched teeth] i love feedback

my brain just exploded no biggie

no one: people who smoke weed: I smoke weed

What was initially ruled an innocent and loving hickey procedure has turned this small town into piano wire transfer zero

I need some quiet wall-staring time, but nooo

Autistic pirates were like "arr shiver me tisms" and this was actually an expression of extreme distress

wondering if anyone's ever been able to fit their head inside an easy bake oven i mean good morning

AND I ONLY AM ESCAPED ALONE TO TELL THEE

Caramel has two syllables, not three.

A tie at the Oscars… exciting things can still happen

A great storm gently leaves a glass bottle behind on the doorstep, the cork loose in the cabin, a message jammed in the neck "the cork was fast, but I was fastener"

cop: do you know how fast you were going back there? me: depends on when you saw me

*counting all my cookies like scrooge mcduck stacking gold coins*

*puts phone on charger* drink your juice Shelby

At this point if an app forgets my login I just delete it.

Sometimes the downward spiral is only a little whirlwind in butterfly landing to tend a flower, a part of cosplay, overwhelming still. But it's being handled kink by kink

Medicated: organized, stable, miserable. Unmedicated: fragile, tangential, still miserable.

One day at this very moment everything will now be something else very pizzazz entirely and I do not know what anything means so if this is it just define pizzazz

don’t forget to destroy your clocks tonight, walk away from your mortgage, just start driving, you’re free

no one: Louisiana Louisiana: neaux one

Hearing a lot of good things lately like “the economy is crashing” and “world war 3 is happening”

For the present other matters press, and the best we can do now for the head, is to pray heaven the tackles may hold.

If I had tits, they’d be out.

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

go to sea as a passenger

If remote science was pseudoscience we would just call it "remote pseudoscience" or "is your omniscient book mind of baby names in the room with us right now"

Re Epstein: Forget, for a moment, who’s involved. Imagine that there is *strong* evidence of people f*cking children. Then imagine that not only do almost *all* house/senate republicans do jack shit, but they are *actively* trying to make sure no one else does either. Just imagine the vileness.

waking up to another marvelous day of ahhh fuck

I keep a bookmark on my headboard as memorabilia

Kafka understood that an even greater indignity than being turned into a giant insect was still being required to go to work afterward.

That which doesn’t kill me is okay in my book.

Remember that Friday night when you heard Paul McCartney singing Let It Be and you hadn’t heard it in like 100 years and you were like wtf Paul a little heads up next time

gonna go wish upon a star that everything stops being awful, brb

Everything I know about ticket scalping I learned from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

What's the rule for finding a lucky rule in the street, find a rule and pick it up and a superstition with structure might be okay since free superstition is just bossy jazz

ask your doctor if trauma dumping is right for you

How do ghosts watch movies? On Boo-Ray

But have you tried raining on someone else’s parade about it

My advice to the younger generation: don’t go to college and don’t get married. Spend years hanging out and laughing and fucking—the kind of sex you’ll be embarrassed about when you’re old. Then travel to Europe or Asia for ten years, come home, and marry someone with good credit.