I've never really been the personality type but sometimes it's nice to take a break from doing and saying anything there is

Can’t stop thinking about the word ‘besmirched.’

The CIA made me memorize the alphabet with my mind. MKLmnop. But seriously why is there a literal street of sesame on the 1 2 3 dollar bill

I can't find my ceremonial porcupine.

I loved old school Twitter. I "met" many of you there. I cannot wait until it is deleted in its entirety and the only vestiges of it are those dril screenshots.

I'm sexualizing depression

first date idea: I eat a rotisserie chicken and you're in your home, eating your own rotisserie chicken

customer service: is there anything else I can help you with? me: you literally made my life worse

Putting "in loving memory of times gone by" on all rear windows that face vintage racecar crash stock footage

Your pin number should be three months salary but no one gets moneyed anymore

I just got the sudden urge to watch The Golden Girls (I wish I was joking) if you want to know how my Friday night is starting out. Let’s fucking party.

Long live, "Sandwich Man!"

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

Too sad to look at porn, that's sleazonal depression.

i can drink a capri sun in less than 5 seconds

oh baby have I got quirks

People used to share handkerchiefs.

this place isn’t as flirty as it used to be

[serious voice after clearing throat] i need to be more fun

tumultuous business

Keep checking to see if the Constitution ends up on eBay

anyway so i’ve been thinking

sending voice notes out into the universe hope you get it

Shoutout to whoever was like the news sucks, let’s spice it up by doing a jewel heist at the Louvre

the Muppets have been real quiet since the Louvre heist

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

Love Is Blind is so cringe now it’s giving “we just met in the comments section on social and now we’re soulmates.”

*takes Xanax in slow motion*