the main thing to know about the maduro arrest is there are hundreds of thousands of epstein files we still haven’t seen

BREAKING: Mike Johnson concerned he may have to come in to work on Monday

FIFA called. They want their peace prize back.

I remember when they were saying they were powerless to return a man they illegally sent to an El Salvador gulag because it would violate that country's national sovereignty.

I'm losing track of how many countries a man livid he wasn't given the Nobel Peace Prize has illegally bombed. Iran. Venezuela. Nigeria. Afghanistan. Iraq. Libya. Pakistan. Somalia. Syria. Yemen. Not to mention threatening to annex Greenland and Canada and invade Panama.

I wonder if FIFA wants their peace prize back

seeing these redacted Epstein files is like if you had to edit a 2 Live Crew song to be acceptable for radio play.

This could have been an email.

Kelly: I wish someone would tell him how math works. You know, that the prices are going to go down 500 or 600%. Anyone who's been through like the sixth grade by then knows that that is not a thing.

That's the only way you could get me to go to a country show, amirite @docstar.bsky.social?

I’m just saying, but if I had just gotten completely shellacked on Tuesday, I wouldn’t be asking SCOTUS to let me starve millions of people 3 days later.

Oralè Resisters I voted Yes On 50 today To Stop Trump Filthy Billionaires Buying Congressional Seats with illegal Redistricting in Trump Red States! It’s your turn to save Democracy #YesOn50 #VoteYes50 #VotaSi50 #WorldSeries #USDemocracy #Halloween

This is how we do it (Yah I know the song is stuck in your head now).

I want to cancel Hulu. Where else can I stream family guy?

Imagine if they’d had sandwiches. 🥪

This week the President of the United States walked around on the roof of The White House and yelled about nuclear weapons in a desperate bid to distract from allegations that he is a child sex trafficker.

🤣🤣

There's nothing holy about writing discrimination into the law.

“The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.” — Treaty of Tripoli, signed by the United States in 1797.

Not many people know this, but the song 8675309 is actually threatening people who live in the zip code 75309

Mitch McConnell, a polio survivor who may suffer from post-polio syndrome, is going to have to go his grave knowing that he personally ushered in the return of vaccine-preventable diseases. You should’ve impeached him, Mitch.

One of the most shocking things I have read for a while: t.co/lg46ijHLDF

It’s possible that Kid Rock will be our next Defense Secretary. Literally, it’s possible.

While the gospels say that Judas led the Romans to Jesus, a new theory is gaining traction with some Biblical scholars. There is evidence, some say, that Judas merely shared Christ's location on an insecure group chat that accidentally included several Roman officials and journalists.

"If you can purchase US citizenship for $5 million, the “illegals” are only guilty of being poor." -Feminist News

Replace ‘Harvard’ with ‘churches’ and he’s onto something…

We are way past impeachment time

Criminals deserve due process because due process is literally how we determine whether someone is, *in fact*, a criminal

Grabbed at his appointment to become a citizen. Is this who we are? 😕🇺🇸

fell for it again award

Art of the deal!

I'm seeing grown-ass adults marvel at how high stocks jumped today - they must think their mom actually vanished when she played "peek-a-boo."

You set the house on fire, watched it burn, and then lost your nerve and put it out. You now have a partially burned house. Great job.

It’s because I’m a fiercely proud American that I’m a fiercely embarrassed American.

Boycotting the grocery store until they start buying an equivalent volume of groceries from me

Can we stop calling these atrocities "deportations." These people sold to El Salvadorian prisons were not deported. Deportation is a process that did not take place. They were rounded up and removed with no process. They were kidnapped, not deported.

At this rate MAGA will only be able to afford to rent the libs.

calling trump “orange”? kinda cringe but whatever calling it “orange monday” thereby forcing future generations of economists to explain why its called that? absolutely hilarious

The year is 2065. Worldwide, young colony members are taking tests. “In 2025, which of the following did the US Trump Administration not tariff?” A. The entire EU B. Peru C. Russia D. Penguins

I should have made more AOCs.

UK: Brexit is the biggest act of economic self harm any country will ever perform USA: Hold my beer...

The representative from McDonald Island has tried to filibuster our renaming of the island but did not have the same stamina as @booker.senate.gov and stood for only 24 minutes.

We take tariffs on our beautiful Heard Island very seriously. We will be consulting all mammals and flightless birds and will make an announcement in the near future detailing our response. #heardisland #tariff #mcdonaldisland #trumptariff

"When was the last time you said 'thank you,' Mr. Penguin?"

Omg

Yes, the stock market may be tanking and our national security apparatus has never been more vulnerable and we're on the verge of both economic collapse and war, but it was all worth it to keep pronouns out of email signatures.

Harris Faulkner's Fox News show has been on for 20 minutes now. She has not mentioned tariffs or stocks once and a stock ticker isn't being displayed. Strong state media vibes.