Ok this is a truly great tweet

Of course I know Wario is evil but I always pick him because I’m able to separate the kart from the kartist

this cat has walked the earth for two thousand years: that little face smear is blood from Christ's wounds

Pick a Bond villain from the photos you already have on your phone/device.

anyway

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

"what will memes be like in the future" memes in the future:

this is the most millennial dad joke ever conceived

What’s a king to a god?

watching my enemies whack each other in the nuts over and over from my vantage point on a distant hill

Based on the repeated episodes of malnutrition immediately prior to his death, probably not, but I can picture him looking like a more rounded Pickles the Drummer from Metalocalypse in better times

Now that you have opened this Pandora’s box I have a question: would you describe Otzi as thicc?

Takeout/delivery and cooking your own food are both wrong. Instead you should be extracting atmospheric dust, nutrients, and moisture using specialized microscopic hairs called trichomes.

Ah, yes, the two genders

I can’t believe they let this guy buy twitter.

the fuck it will

my body is a temple, but one that has been sacked and burned to the ground

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

A dog's reaction to seeing a horse for the first time...😳😳

Got a notification from a medieval copyright lawyer

james lipton IS shia labeouf IN curtis sliwa: renegade angel

Happy Friday

"There is a squirrel picking on the little birds!!"

john travolta IS James Lipton in INSIDE THE ACTORS DOOMSDAY MACHINE

BREAKING: John Travolta has deposed Serdar Berdimuhamedow in a bloodless coup and appointed himself president of Turkmenistan.

glucose, dextrose, fructose, sucrose, lactose, maltose

Yoda’s taxonomic ancestor

if you're so quick to prove how unlike other men you are, take estrogen already

"Can you explain this gap in your resume?" Me:

I don't think I ever posted one of my most viral Sailor Moon comics here

Man, two all-timers in the space of a month. Nice job, New Yorker cartoon editors. The idea of this one is brilliant, but the execution is maybe even more so—getting the figure in the coffin to read both ways like it’s supposed to is something.

Hantavirus is no joke 😂 That's why I've started washing my hands after touching rat feces 🐀 What are doing differently to fight hantavirus?💪

Fashion tip of the day: To deal with clothes moths, fill your wardrobe with thousands of tiny spiders, the moth's natural predator. To deal with the spiders, fill your wardrobe with scorpions. To deal with the scorpions, fill your closet with RFK Jr. This way, you avoid harmful chemicals.

Me: hey girl, are you from Tennessee? Her: why...? Me: because your accent is annoying as hell

Me: hey girl, did it hurt? Her: did what hurt? Me: when you fell from heaven Her: what? Me: did it hurt, Satan?

On the day the horseshoe crabs came.

Women want me. Fish fear me. Mermaids have very conflicted feelings about me.

I WANT TO BELIEVE

This dog was a three term mayor of Whoville.

Just a quick tip for all the bakers out there!

Nobody said it, but the true answer here is Prey (2006)

Right Said Fred Dead Redemption

RIP to everyone banned by the mods for their hubris but I'm different. and better. maybe even better than the mods