Women want me. Fish fear me. Mermaids have very conflicted feelings about me.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: Physicist Albert Einstein dies of the heebie-jeebies after accidentally imagining being bited and hit and killed by a large ape or gorilla during one of his famous thought experiments.

Really starting to worry that this Lord of the Flies adaptation isn’t gonna pass the Bechdel Test.

Call that shit “Van Winkle,” cuz one rip got me sleeping for 20 years.

It’s baseline TV trivia now, but we really take for granted how crazy and unexpected Tommy Tromboni’s death was the first time the Sopranos aired.

Smoking that stuff that made Smucker's Uncrustable.

In our modern age of discourse and fear of online dogpiling, a band could never write the lyrics “I got soul but I’m not a soldier,” much less have them accompany one of the persistently greatest pop rock songs of this young century.

My performance at the porno theater earned a standing O.

What the fuck? I’m gonna be sick.

“Jar-Jar, Youssa in biiiigggggg trouble.”

Nothing but respect to the guy riding a Harley around my neighborhood blasting Lana Del Rey during a tornado watch.

I like bluesky because it feels so much like tumblr 1. barely works 2. userbase is annoying (affectionate)(not that affectionate) 3. being queer on here feels like I’m actively participating in ruining some tech company’s investment

Anxiously waiting to see if my band was chosen for a rad gig this summer, so any marketers who choose to send me an email from now until then will be hit with the unsubscribe link.

When Pierre asks me about my intentions for his daughter #StardewValley

Well this wound up absolutely being the case. With startling few exceptions, footballers are scumbags and should start out on thin ice - especially when it’s their word versus a woman’s.

LEDs are light slop

Daily #coffee drink: Americortado. One shot of espresso + three cubes.

FUN FACT: The youngest person in the world named Dennis celebrates their 52nd birthday today.

Democrats passing up on Ben Wikler for chair is a historic bag fumble. Wisconsin is finally digging themselves out and so much of that is due to the work he did through last year.

time to rate some more amounts of money $414,910: that's a whole bunch of money where i come from $50: nice and neat. i love it! $1.06: no offense, but this isn't very much money $1000: don't bullshit me $1002.17: yeah, that's what i thought $614.05: solid $0: hey, wait a minute! $18.93: bad salad

Take only photos. Leave only your band stickers on infrastructure.

Group shots never work when one person is trying to look hard and the other is cheesin’

the Artemis II crew just posted a new photo. what the fuck

I WILL NOT build community with, or accept into community, anybody who uses the R slur. It is not “Dark Woke” or “Woke 2.0.” It is fascist, conservative and evil. You are not interesting for contributing to the dehumanizing of the people who will be among the first targeted for extermination.

Posts like this make me wish we had a real outdoor ballpark in Milwaukee. Shit looks cash money.

One of the reasons I can stay so straight-faced while telling a joke is because I grew up Lutheran and that meant opening every meal as a middle schooler by loudly praying “Cumlord, Jesus…”

I guarantee this country would heal if even 25% of chronically online weirdos, addicted to discourse could find one small offline hobby that filled them with joy.

Wow #HowToGetToHeavenFromBelfast is one of the best shows I have ever seen. Lisa McGee does it again.

Worried the new person at the dispensary is just a personality higher.

i guess those celebrating soras death didnt get the memo that some of us need daily personalized greetings from james bond—for mental health

Thanks to St. Vincent De Paul, I am the proud owner of the Almond sign from the defunct Freshii periodic table of elements.

People need to start yelling “If you got time to lean, you got time to clean” at these subhumans.

As a soccer (football) fan, I will say this: I immediately trust the other side of the Chappell Roan story than what the footballer is saying.

Veggie Tales was crazy for naming the cunty lemon Mr. Lunt

Dunston & Dragons

You just made a million Robert Muellers

at least when we started an illegal, unwinnable war in the middle east last time we had Transatlanticism.

Wow I can really see why it’s so important to stay on twitter

Some Tech CEO every day: "You don't get to own things now. I own your refrigerator. If you say mean things about me I will turn off your fridge and spoil all your dairy and eggs and meat. If you don't like it you go to jail." People in my mentions: "Lmao are you REALLY a luddite? smh"

Salt-N-Pepa voice:

I don’t hate #TheOffice. I do hate that the show behs me to root for Jim Halpert - a whiny, entitled irredeemable shitbag of a man.

Happy International Women's Day to the original International Woman

Alan Moore does not get enough credit for so accurately predicting into what type of darkness the superhero fascination would lead us.

it’s probably fine that this meme is one of the top posts on every military Reddit sub right now

Your opposition to war can just be that war is evil. it doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.

Welp Snyder DC is back on the menu then.

Paramount CEO on Renewed Warner Brothers Bid: “We’re fighting like hell for it because we need the world to know that Elmer Fudd is uncircumcised.”