We may not have flying cars yet but at least I can watch my cats while I'm at work.

Just found a piece of candy in my pocket. Things are gonna be ok.

If I die and you edit angel wings onto a picture of me, please know that I will fucking haunt you forever.

So much to do so little want to do it.

I didn’t lose them, they lost me.

I’ve stopped weighing myself, I’ve decided to fatten myself up just like a good turkey.

Sometimes the heart feels the sadness within another person no matter how much they try to hide it, I feel ya, keep going.

Don’t go back to the place you lost your smile.

It’s amazing how much fake love a death brings out.

What if god was one of us. Like, a mystery shopper. *Looks around nervously*

There are two types of men's deodorant: futuristic mint & zinc, or lion orgy. Science has foresaken us.

Misplaced my reading glasses and inadvertently caught an afternoon manatee. 😬

I was weird with the postman. Again. Now I have to move. Again.

Not sure how I feel about holiday beverages – I’m eggnostic HAHA I wanted to get this joke out one more time before we're all sent to work in the asbestos mines

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

Bringer of rainbows…

It’s all good, except for the parts that are not all good.

“I wish I knew how to quit you,” I say to my 3rd bowl of breakfast spaghetti

I was gonna go see the new Avatar, but I’ll probably just use a belt sander to take all the skin off of my skull instead.

Welcome to the story of your life. Write it well.

I don’t need positivity I need stronger medication.

If only be we could be as kind to ourselves as we are to others.

The more the merrier the deeper the depression.

I’d never be somewhere with bells on, I’d be there with gritted teeth.

maybe a polar plunge would fix me.

I've made 90% of my important career decisions 60% drunk and besides the overwhelming feelings of daily self-loathing I have to say it's worked out mostly okay.

life's a stage and i'm dancing around the trap door

Killer whales and dolphins may be helping each other hunt of B.C. coast: new report #BritishColumbia halifax.citynews.ca/2025/12/11/k...

My dog just growled at an empty bag in case you're new to social media and were wondering

dont let boomers give you shit about your kid's screen time they used to get so much screen time they would dream in black and white

genx over here mixing vodka with their fiber powder and fruit juice

The feminine urge to wear floral skirts and solve murders in a fictional seaside town with an alarmingly high crime rate.

Them: any plans for Christmas? Me: yeah! dissociating but like with a festive nail color

Today, I went to a cat cafe. A cat managed to breach containment: she got through a triple-door system, leapt onto a counter, squeezed through a tiny food ordering hole, and all but leapt into my arms. I should’ve been allowed to keep her.

you don’t always see cats in places where you’ve seen them before because cats are only ever where they are right now.

You know you're old when ''I have to go'' stops reffering to parties

There’s a poor little baby screaming on the bus. Me too, little person, me too.

6 years ago I made a meme, posted it to Reddit and it got 84k upvotes and life since has been terrible. Paparazzi, free cocaine, women literally throwing themselves at me when I drop my kids off at kinder. Careful the life you choose, folks

"this drink bottle has mould in it. I shall return it back to where it came from and hope it cleans itself or is magically replaced" My 12yo

Goon a movie Goon in 60 Seconds

I hate to be a killjoy but "no licking each other's buttholes" is an important household rule for keeping peace between our cats

Monday and his cock waiting like ..

Bubble up,baby (first date)

Touch grass you said It will be fun you said Sure I said what’s the worst that could happen (severe allergic reaction and $200 fine)

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

Powerade has really perfected the flavor of Blue

Someone on the old site once posted ‘have you ever owned a vinyl record?’ and instead of replying I withdrew to my horseless carriage and drove to the dry goods store to purchase a box of powdered milk

A pair of great horned owls have returned the woods behind our place. It's so comforting to hear their song. I realize there’s probably something deeply mystical and prophetic about them but I’m still going to skeet about bearded clams today

We used to have a couple of restaurants in town – one named Bert’s and the other Ernie’s. True story. Anyhoo, enjoy Plymouth Rock.