my porn of gondor adult bookstore is blameless

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

every night at 11pm, in an effort to tell me to "go to bed," my phone drains itself of color like one of the dying. and every night, instead of going to bed *or* turning the feature off, i get mad about it

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

my 82 year old widowed grandmother has a boyfriend! my dad yelled at me when i said "looks like meats back on the menu" but deep down i think he knew it was a pretty good joke

Sous mort

Never became as popular as "ET Phone Home" did it

are you telling me this scallion can rap

tool still rips, man

ME: (shivering, stripped naked and tied to a chair) Drag queens have pretty privilege… CIA AGENT: Again. Do another. ME: Please, I can’t, I— CIA AGENT: (dousing me with a bucket of ice water) Another take! Hotter! ME: (sobbing) Dating someone who needs glasses is a predatory power imbalance…

Nice dissonance. Let me guess, cognitive?

I’ll wash my mouth out with doughnut

then i WHAT

Guy designing the Nostromo: However many chains you think we need on the ship, double--then triple that number and that's what we'll put in the ship's chain room. Assistant: Yes, sir. And the chains are dry, of course? Designer: You're fired

boy howdy, that is an unfortunate name to share

sure, fall out boy is an easily hateable band, but they did name a song atavan halen so they're not all bad

be sure your doctor gives you a CPAP machine (helps you breathe properly in your sleep) and not a CPAC machine (turns you into a racist guy named Tad or Charles who keeps Mother Bryant's Book of Rhyming Slurs on his nightstand)

"poop doula," is that anything

lets play magic the gathering

pressing a button on my chest that sends all my limbs flying away from my body like a crash test dummy action figure from 1992 would fix me

we need to bring back doing wrestling moves on our peers. loud, rude customer at the coffee shop? that's a clothesline. dude cuts you in line for concessions at the movies? elbow drop off the counter. boss passes you over for a promotion? put that mf in a sharpshooter until he calls you the new boss

high as balls yelling my order at my ipad screen

thats when it gets real porny

lmao someone's grift machine started sputtering

every single person involved in opening, overseeing, and operating these concentration camps should be prosecuted by the next administration. from the white house down to the janitors. if you lifted a finger for it, you're culpable.

Average GOP Congressman: We err...uhhh...don't uh need uh...oversight of the DoD because uh...we trust the President to decide what's best Donald Trump: I AM JESUS CHRIST RETURNED TO EARTH THE POPE ISN'T MAGA AND HE'S WEAK ON NUCLEAR WEAPONS I AM GOING TO BUILD A HOTEL ON THE MOON

every day is just a little dumber

when is this dude gonna fucking die already lmao good grief

Can never get over how tawdry the modern Right's view of Western Civilization is; nothing to build, nothing to aspire to, nothing even really to destroy or wage war against, just sullen resentment of their own children and seething hatred of the cities whose economics subsidies their regimes.

THE FUCK YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN LIGHTING KEROSENE IN A GLASS CHAMBER 🫨

Light fixture

how much money does the marine corps lose

i ate so many grande soft tacos. two made you miserably full. they were huge.

to sleep perchance to sleep

me, covered in blood and holding a fistful of wires: yeah I dunno, cardiothoracic was full up and the patient was crashing, I hope that old iPod Nano and airbrush pump keep him alive until they find a donor Dr. Abbot, vibrating with joy: fuckin' awesome dude

coca cola freestyle machines suck, half the syrups are always weird and the vanilla doesn't taste like anything

pacific rim sucked (this is a good take)

san diego is the only good one pirates one just looks like their old gear?

i don't have to keep up with when rex manning day is, every middle aged white woman in america is going to remind me when it hits

IBM? yeah i poop too, not impressed

i'm not mad about automatic draft registration, 18 year olds have had to register for this version since 1980. them copy-and-pasting SSNs across spreadsheets is whatever. but this could be a proof of concept for automatic voter registration, so that's cool for future use

Business Insider? Well I certainly have none.

i do this