Human centipede, Christmas edition

My daughter is singing "It's a holly jolly Christmas, beware of the other things" in a granny voice. So that's tonight's nightmare sorted

Are YOU tired of remembering which lies you've told your partner? Struggling to keep up your deception? Well...

I remember, when I was little, being on a bus and there was a man, possibly drunk, who kept saying, "who'll bury the last man, eh?" and then nodding wisely. Based on the last few years of social media, I think I have an answer for him: it'll be fucking Paddington rocking up with a spade.

Hammond and Clarkson must be gutted

It's ironic that sex is called "how's your father" because it really is one of the worst times to ask that question

*slams fists on table* there was a two for one sale at the fist store

I'd love to be known as a mystic, a man of mystery, one of the old world. So far all I've got is a knobbly stick and a shower curtain that I wrap around my shoulders as I wander around Home Bargains talking in a language I've made up myself. But at least I'm doing SOMETHING

Amazing achievement to make a Frank Sidebottom head that looks creepy and odd *in totally the wrong way*

This snack was processed in a facility that also processes peanuts? Okay? I really don’t need the lurid details of the life you had before we met.

How come celebs only get to do all the fun reality TV, like Traitors and Strictly? It's about time we had a Celebrity The Jeremy Kyle Show

I am SO excited to go to America and try out their famous new deportation system once they check my socials

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you. I'm "Local Man".

The inventor of anime be like:

I dunno man, it just feels like sometimes life would be better if we had tentacles, y'know?

A small thing: maybe a sound effect for sunrises/moonrises & sunsets/moonsets? Off the top of my head it could sound like when a sword is drawn or sheathed?

New music! Echotrail 'EP1' is out now. And it's Bandcamp Friday so I'll get full revenue share if you purchase today. Currently out of work so any support very much appreciated, please share too x paleblurs.bandcamp.com/album/echotr...

The on-hold music for Waitrose’s customer helpline is just a swan reading share prices to some brioche.

Do yourself a favour and get on this thread while it's still early on, guarantee it'll be an epic triumph by the time we reach Christmas Eve

This both blows my mind and becomes less surprising every day

There actually isn't anything I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I fucking hate that guy

Why is the soybean oil always PARTIALLY hydrogenated. Finish hydrogenating that shit, you lazy wockaflockas!

It’s Monday! And here are absolutely 1000’s Of live mixes going back years! Fuck me! #housemusic #techno #drumandbass #Balearic For you house heads! Enjoy! 💥💥💥 moxser.com/artists

🚨Some personal news. I'm thrilled to announce that I've just filed my first copy for The New Yorker. A profile of Jonathan Gullis. "You get the sense that offstage, Jonathan Gullis struggles with being Jonathan Gullis." open.substack.com/pub/mrhenrym...

I have just discovered that March 3rd is "What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs" Day. What a time to be alive

Has John Cleese had a bit of work done?

Good morning to Brazilian reporter Manuela Borges, who’s been waiting eleven years for this petty moment. ❤️ 🇧🇷

I'm not saying I want to be famous or well-known, per se. I'm just saying I want the President of the United States to call me ugly or low-rent

I've never directly called Farage a prick but I can assure you I think he's a prick www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

new favourite New York Times term for a British thing just dropped

It's 10.13am and I've already used the phrases "keeping it under my hat" and "secret squirrel". What a world

Facebook has suddenly started pushing pro Donald Trump content at me. First time I've ever had it happen. What's rattled their cage I wonder

“I was just trying to do the garden up nice.”

People know too much about how the human body works, how to look after themselves with exercise and the right food and so on. Personally, I'll just do and eat whatever and die when I die, anything else feels too much like work 🤷‍♂️

There is no way you can guess how the thread that ends in this instant classic begins.

BREAKING: The former leader of Reform in Wales, Nathan Gill, has been sentenced to ten and half years in prison for taking bribes to pump out Russian propaganda. Gill was paid thousands to make pro-Russia speeches and TV interviews.

Checking in on MechaHitler

🎵 …couldn’t bescape if I bonted to 🎶

MOVIE IDEA: Two hours of a Trump lookalike getting punched in the face whenever he says something. You all know you'd watch it

Based on family genetics I'm not going to go bald as I get older. So instead I'm going to mark the aging process by making the parting in my hair wider and wider until there's a gap between the two sides that you could drive a truck down

Happy birthday sausage fingers 👑 @barneyfarmer.bsky.social

Happy Fenton Day to all who celebrate. Jesus Christ, fourteen years. youtu.be/3GRSbr0EYYU

A man has been found guilty of writing a stream of consciousness novel. He is about to start a 4 year sentence.

Everybody has opinions these days, don't they. Constant opinions about things they know nothing about. Gone are the days when, if you didn't understand something, you looked into it - or just went "none of my concern" and went on your way. Now everyone has thoughts on everything. It's exhausting

Nice heights you got there be a shame if someone wuthered them

I really do wish that Donald Trump would just fuck all the way off

I’ve never felt more betrayed by my body than when I found out I snore. This is what you do when I’m not watching? You act rude?

Could any racists on here confirm how many generations your family have to have been here for before you can be truly British? Hoping I can claim to be European and then get deported when Farage and his pals take over

Just remembering the time I was in Fuerteventura and as I walked past a man in the street he looked at me and said "ey oop" as if we were in Yorkshire

Japan's "Mundane Halloween" costume contest is back! Each year website DailyPortalZ holds a contest where people dress up as something super duper ordinary. Here's a thread of some of my favorites from the 2025 contest! #MundaneHalloween