Bluesky is dying? Lol. Jokes on you, I didn't get likes or engagement anyway.

"Oh,...bring your kid to work day, not bring your work to Kid day." -US helicopter pilot.

Bro, I am higher than the truck nuts on the Artemis II

NASA on the phone with Artemis II right after the toilet stopped working

clogging the vacuum toilet on day one of the moon voyage

that guy is a fuckin mess

If I were a witch, they'd burn me at the Steak 'n Shake

Me to the wife: They are still blocking the Strait of Morhoez? Wife: You mean Hormuz? Me: Yes, what did I say?

your grandparents voting for reagan

A crippling Duke meltdown and choke 2 years in a row?

“Go get ‘em Tiger.” Tiger Woods going to get ‘em: *another DUI* #tigerwoods

The annual migration of me cussing indoors to me cussing outdoors has begun.

Tiger Woods somehow was the best and worst driver in history.

John explaining to Tiger that he can, in fact, afford a driver.

Damn. This Pi day seems like it goes on forever.

Librarian: “The book you reserved about clocks is in.” Me: “It’s about time!”

And then Jesus said unto them, "I will only return if you start a huge war"

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Looks like the Board of Peace got bored of peace.

[Levis HQ] BOSS: we need a new style of jeans ME: *high and wasted* my time has come

i like big butts and i plead the fifth

You gotta to know when to hold her. Know when to fold her. Now I have to take her to the chiropractor.

some of my skeets would be absolute bangers if all of you were as high as I was when I posted them I just know it

An ICE hockey game, but with protesters vs. ICE agents.

7up is short for upupupupupupup

No Sauna For Old Men

FRENCH GUY: do you speak french ME: no FRENCH GUY: ah well c'est la vie ME: la vie

[asphyxiating on toxic atmosphere as the last tree on earth drops its final leaf] save me Dow Jones

*pees* *crawls into bed* *spends half an hour winding down* *is about to fall asleep* *has to pee again*

ME: it’s not delivery it’s digiorno HOSPITAL NURSE: um ok let’s get your wife to the digiorno room

Kid Rock was lip syncing like some kind of Hillbilli Vanilli

As a man, I believe we should only freak when froken to.

the only thing that can stop Mr Beast at this point is (eyes narrow) Mr Bwest

People think I'm clairvoyant, but the truth is, I'm just really, really farsighted

I bet those MAGA dads can't wait to tell their kids they are seeing Kid Rock's Halftime Show at their next supervised visitation.

Someone said Kid Rock is just a trashier name for Epstein Island, and now I can't think of it any other way.

I'm so poor that when I showed up at the bank, their broke alarm went off.

please👏do👏not👏wear👏a👏hoodie👏if👏you👏aren't👏committed👏to👏making👏the👏hoodie👏strings👏the👏same👏length👏

*looking at the Mona Lisa* there is no way a turtle painted this

knew i shouldve trusted my nsyncs and said bye bye bye

Gay Groundhog Day, but Phil gets six more weeks of weiner.

Groundhog Day is actually based on a Christian story of when Jesus walked out of his tomb, saw his shadow, and we had 2000 more years of war.

dear god, if you exist, please send us a reporter brave enough to ask him about the pants shitting

There are so many microplastics in my balls that they have LEGO piece numbers

jockey: owner: mind if i pay you under the stable

STYLIST: I have an idea. CHAPPELL ROAN: Go ahead. STYLIST: You know your nipples? CHAPPELL ROAN: I'm listening.

My best posts are the ones I think of when I'm nowhere near my phone and then forget

Take me down to the Parallax city where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly