Downfall Bovino Edition. You're welcome.

Petition to change the National Anthem to "Know Your Enemy" by Green Day

Who will be our Mockingjay?

This is Duckie. He will train to be a cadaver dog. His special skill is he hears them rather than smell.

Cybernating = hibernating while playing on the internet. Definitely cybernating this week, fuck the cold.

Me walking my dogs this weekend during a winter storm.

gave my horse some hellmann's and now it mayoneighs

it’s just been me and dad since calgon took mom in ‘86

Getting a Nobel peace prize these days is really Machado about nothing

Butcher offered me some cured meats. I said I didn’t even know they were sick

If an ICE agent has a meltdown, does he still exist?

Her: "There's just no electricity between us" Me: rubs foot on carpet and touches her arm *gets shocked Me: "How about now?"

I'm going to see Jason Isbell tonight. He's doing an all acoustic set at the Durham Performing Arts Center. He's by far my favorite artist. Really excited!

ME: time to sleep BRAIN: a blanket should be called a ____et

babybel implies the existence of scarybel, sportybel, gingerbel and poshbel

[horse meeting] We're getting a lot of good feedbag

Today (everyday) is a great day to foster a dog or cat. Especially if you live somewhere with cold weather.

they made a whole website for people who used to carry their backpacks with one strap only

I hang out with a high class of people. As in, we are all high.

whoever stole the devil's hairpiece will have hell toupee

people are always like “just post good and you’ll get likes and reposts” and i’m just like “no”

I tried to put 54 candles on my birthday cake today and Smokey the Bear mauled me.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?

Billionaires never say "if I had a nickel for every time" because they do get a nickel for every time

*Reindeer band playing the Bee Gees at Santa's New Year's Eve party "Whatcha doing on your butt? Whatcha doing on your butt? Yeah You should be dancing. Yeah" Dancer: Fuck yes

*America, visibly drunk, singing karaoke 🎤 "I AIN'T AS GOOD AS I ONCE WAS"........burps

Cause of death: got socks wet

What if another country just came and kidnapped our President in the middle of the night?? Oh wait...

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back EVE: stop calling me that

Bold Prediction: in 2026, dogs will still be overwhelmingly fantastic

I named my son Abacus because I wanted him to be someone you could count on.

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

The 21st century is now 26 years old. Leonardo DiCaprio just dumped it.

We just finished a year, do we really have to start a new one?

No one said that New Year's resolutions have to be about improving yourselves. It could simply be surviving the year.

A new year seems a bit excessive, I’d like it to be gently used.

2026 will probably end up being remembered as the year the democratic party completed its full transformation into the "dig up, stupid" gif from the simpsons

Conflicted: I hate New Year's Eve, but I love counting backwards from 10.

Call me ChadGPT because my intelligence is also artificial.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

If you haven't laughed today, you've wasted a day you can never get back.

I did things today.

All the boys think she's a spy, She's got Steve Buscemi eyes.

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations B.C. - before christ A.D. - after dhrist A.M. - after midnight P.M. - pefore midnight

Sorry I didn't get you guys a gift, but I'm saving up for a pardon.

don’t stress about the next 3 years. just remember “this tool shall pass”

Just like my ancestors, I'll be eating the Christmas tree decorations rather than putting them away in the attic

The person who won the $1.8 billion lottery will only take home $492 million. That makes them the only billionaire being properly taxed.

Welcome to your 50's boys, your bladder now complies with the government's low-flow water fixture policy.