INVENTOR OF SUNGLASSES: fuck you sun

Can we bowl for other foods besides soup?

The sedition is coming from inside the House.

Even the word tomorrow is too long.

Columbia House agents have surrounded my house. I knew this day would come, but they’re not taking me alive.

Be the change you want to see in the couch cushions.

When Ghislaine Maxwell hears about Trump and her horse.

WD40 > UB40

Narcan but for thoughts

terrifying if literal, bagel bites

Pronouncing Popeyes as Pope Yes and nobody can stop me

Murder, She Wrote

The Great Depression, but it's just my ass indentation on the sofa.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and thought, "Damn, this woman really going all out to get me that bike"

Sometimes, I remember that I'm on this app.

i mean whiskey is prob the only way i’ll tango or foxtrot tbh.

jesus didn't have a smart phone but he did have a psalm pilot

who up tired of their own shit

I think my wife is trying to make me fail No Nut November by getting this pecan pie.

Didn't you get my memo! Pointing to the graffiti I sprayed on your fence.

A genie granted me one wish - so I wished to be happy. Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

a lot of people regretting the 'this shoulda been an email' advice rn lol

Disabled folk don’t just deserve survival. They deserve love, support, compassion, respect… And to have the means and ability to live the best quality of life possible for them, in their circumstances. This should be the bare minimum.

football’s all like gimme that coconut i want it it’s beautiful but tennis is all like fuck this stupid lemon i hate it

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

Nothing worse than a depressed shitposter

Getting old is so extra. I used to just wake and bake but now I wake and ache and bake.

I was wondering why my posts weren't getting any likes but it turns out they're not very good

I finally got rid of that gonorrhea infection. Pls clap.

The Oval Office looks like someone got a new Cricut machine and is trying every new function.

That disabled person you are judging? Chances are they are already doing far more than they “should”, to the detriment of their own health. Chances are they are acting “fine”, to make you feel more comfortable. Chances are they'll get home and struggle to function as a result.

Woke up today to the news

Those drive-thru lines at Chik Fil A can be a mile long, but those kids will walk all the way to the end to take your order. Like, girl, you want a ride back?

[Ad Agency] BOSS: these two fast food chains need mascots ME: (with a speech impediment) how about a cwown MCDONALDS: nice BURGER KING: love it

if you're replacing smoke detector batteries and/or testing alarms today i recommend making a note of where your pets go when the alarms are going off in an actual emergency they'll likely hide in the same spot

*gains hour *wastes hour on Bluesky

Dogs do not understand Daylight Savings Time.

Spring forward, Fall back into seasonal depression.

Every month is No Nut November when you have a peanut allergy

Did the Titanic have a gravy lifeboat?

I call em like I see em. Blurry, blurry, another blurry one.

At midnight, my pumpkin turned into a carriage!

Goodbye Halloween posts. Hello Thanksgiving posts

Your Honor, my client is a super freak. She's super freaky.

[handing out m&ms to trick or treaters] which color do you want

Who up Hallowing their Ween?

So you're telling me Julius Caesar wrote a book about sports?

I'm a reposter. I wish more people were reposters.

I was thinking the opposite of that famous Peanuts line would be, “Sadness is a cold puppy” but even for me that’s a little dark.