The rapture is tomorrow and I have a flight at 6am. If the pilot gets raptured, I die in a plane crash. I sure hope the pilot is an atheist.

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

We are at the point on the Kardashev scale where we have achieved Google Earth, but not yet Google Wind or Google Fire.

Earth, Wind, and Fire: DO YOU REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER? Me: I kinda have to. It's my wife's birthday 🎂

I have cystic fibrosis, and I don't know many others here on Bluesky, but I'd like to make cf friends. If you have the cfs, then comment and say hi.

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

It's so hard to think of funny posts when the world is burning.

I'm writing poem about pumpkins: Pumpkins are orange Goddammit

{ my tombstone } She made a grave error. Again.

Neil Diamond is the hardest substance to listen to known to man.

Football doesn't start in earnest until Sunday, but the Cowboys and Chiefs already have a loss. Life is good.

I went to sleep in a Rolling Stones t- shirt and woke up with two Puerto Rican girls just dying to meet me.

By age 30, you should have a magic act, your own ministry, some prostitute friends, and an omnipotent, all-loving father who orchestrates your crucifixion

[public bathroom] ME (calling into a stall): doing okay sweetie? 6YO NIECE: yeah it’s a good poop ME: what makes it a good poop 6YO NIECE: it didn’t happen in my pants

*busy frosting a urinal cake for your birthday*

Breaking: Walter Reed has installed gold leaf in their ICU.

Not to brag or anything, but I once had a post get over 10 likes.

It's past noon on Labor Day and I haven't felt a single contraction

I could barely taste the pot in this Chicken Pot Pie.

Today, I learned that Labor Day is not about celebrating the birth of children

that episode of Andy Griffith where the first vape shop opens in Mayberry

A universe where Rudy Giuliani was hit by a Four Seasons Landscaping truck.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE: we need a distraction from the president being dead OTHER WHITE HOUSE AIDE: let’s kill Rudy

today's Giuliani news feels like when you're watching season 5 of a TV series after they've already added so many new characters & plot lines that you can hardly keep up, & then for some inexplicable reason, the writers bring back some random character from season 1 and you're like WTF?!?

[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11

What is an airport that you hate, and why is it Atlanta?

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: When a squirrel says he needs to bust a nut, does he mean he's hungry or horny HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.

my father-in-law is a “I know a guy” Guy. sadly all the old Guys are aging out of the Guy Economy. Guys are fundamentally incompatible with Hustle Culture because it’s not about “winning” a deal, it’s about collecting favors and goodwill in a mutually-beneficial cycle. protect your local Guy Economy

If he really is gone, then McDonald's should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Who up early buttering their own toast?

'Today's Tom Sawyer" wants nothing to do with this shit.

You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did

the top of my to do list just says anyone

When I see JFC, I think Jesus Fried Chicken

I like to listen to Monday Monday by the Mamas and the Papas on Thursdays just to feel something.

AMERICA: “It’s a mental health issue.” REST OF THE WORLD: “We have those. But don’t have mass shootings.” AMERICA: “It’s video games.” WORLD: “We have those too. But don’t have mass shootings.” AMERICA B: “It’s cause they took Jesus out of the classroom.” WORLD: “God, you’re stupid.”

My mama said if you guys don't start liking my posts, I can't play with y'all anymore..

There should be a dating app called SneakyLinkedIn

the eggs from “This is your brain on drugs” made me hungry for eggs and drugs

Very happy for Jonathan Swift and Kelsey Grammar.

Farting elegantly

Werewolves of London, Ontario

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Ruining Everything

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim WIFE: limb has a b at the end ME: i literally just said that diane

Maybe I just want someone who has a song that makes them think about me

I'm not sneezing with you, I'm sneezing achoo

every other thing she does is magic the rest is sleight of hand and misdirection