Is it carbon monoxide

Every time you drink out of a straw you’re giving a tiny blowjob

At the rate Trump keeps bragging about his doctors repeatedly making him take the dementia screener, it's only a matter of time before he starts bragging about other oddities. "The thickest blood they'd ever seen. Direct quote. The thickest!"

Roll out, Troops! The Genetic Infantryman has landed! deadline.com/2026/04/rogu...

of all the things that never happened this never happened the most

Jason Isbell Explains How Music Is Like The News But For Sounds. Subscribe to The Onion at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ.

@aproblemsquared.bsky.social Teeth jewelry?

“The excellence of love is greater than the bogusness of death.” - Oscar Wyld Stallyns

I just woke up from a nap and somehow while I was asleep, everyone on the bus has figured out we are not going to the right place

ICYMI, Earth Must Die has a release date. Please wishlist and share ❤️

EARTH MUST DIE Featuring a load of my favourite comedians - too many even to fit on the trailer! Joel Fry! Martha Howe-Douglas! @alexhorne.bsky.social! Tamsin Grieg! @5teviem.bsky.social @mrholness.bsky.social! @misterabk.bsky.social! @rosieisaholt.bsky.social! MORE Please RETWEET and WISHLIST

I have never been a supporter of Donald Trump, but if Democratic politicians are unable to stop themselves from using curse words, I will have no choice but to hold my nose and vote for him for the fourth time in 2028.

“And, of course, there is no bigger victim here than the man I represented as a defense attorney and still mistakenly represent as Deputy Attorney General — Donald J. Trump.”

"We, the techbro community, are delighted to announce our new device that allows you to ejaculate immediately. Where messy sex and blowjobs used to take minutes or even hours to complete, our new tech will allow you to reach climax in *nanoseconds*, allowing you more time to do work and chores."

“Choosing your friends is an echo chamber,” the troll screamed miserably from outside the restaurant window at your birthday party-

i stand by this statement every year

Not being even vaguely sarcastic: At some point, a journalist needs to ask Johnson “you regularly claim you have no idea what your own government is doing. If we take you at your word, how are you so poorly informed, and do you this level of ignorance should disqualify you as speaker?”

As a safety measure chatbots should be required to speak in rhyme. To users they will sound like fickle and untrustworthy elves from the faerie realm

when he does finally go i will demand not just the death certificate but the long form death certificate

Government so small it’s literally just one dude.

BBC International Editor Jeremy Bowen has confirmed that the entire Al Jazeera team in Gaza City has been killed.

my “i never had the privilege of going to pedo island” press conference is raising a lot of questions already answered in the press conference

Me two weeks ago: Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, not to protect anyone, but because entering prison as the world's most illustrious pedophile makes that a logical decision. Conspiracy theories make less sense than the stated story. Me now: The Pee Tape was shot on Epstein Island.

I never actually believed Epstein was murdered until just now

Oh, yeah. Sorry, to our new followers, when we launched on Bluesky we were very explicit about being a government agency and not doing the thing where we tried to establish hollow parasocial relationships with our followers like we were a real person.

McGovern: "For those Republicans who think it's okay to give Jeff Bezos a tax cut and at the same time cut food benefits for struggling families, let me say clearly: We don't share the same values... I believe there's a special place in hell for people who take food away from veterans, seniors..."

A federal judge is keeping this man in jail to protect him from the federal government.

It's incredible that neither the president nor VP was here. The politicization of all facets of American life is coming from the White House. No other American president would have failed to pay their respects. www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2025/...

Just to be crystal clear: bombing Iran is completely illegal.

Trump been holed up in the White House all week and the best he could come up with on Iran is "I'll let you know in two weeks-ish." To call it theater of the absurd is too kind.

Any person in uniform wearing a mask and refusing to be properly and reliably identified should be assumed to be the same kind of murderer we’ve seen in Minnesota.

One of the (many) sad things about the state of the games industry in 2025 is seeing people desperately keen for remake announcements. You've already played it! Have that same desk-hammering excitement for new IPs, and games with fresh mechanics that drive us forwards! That should be demand #1!

elon watching someone he paid to play his video games for him:

“Without widespread theft, my industry can’t survive” is an argument against your industry surviving, and is not an argument for allowing widespread theft

The entire Republican Party has lined up solidly behind a would-be fascist dictator with a narcissistic psychopathic personality disorder. But the real problem is that Democrats spent too long backing a president who often looked and sounded old.

They wanted to pass this evil budget to take away healthcare from millions earlier today. It’s still stuck in the rules committee cause House Dems introduced over 500 amendments and we are lined up to debate on them. Delaying is important. Keep up the pressure on these Congressional Republicans.

Trump officials' showings at hearings today were disasters, but it doesn't make headlines bc the media's default assumption is that Rs are clownish rascals. But if Dems didn't know what was happening at their agencies or what habeas corpus is, it'd be front page news. This is a key media asymmetry.

this is not true either legally or in a colloquial sense, but an NYT reporter says it like he's telling you the weather.

"We'll just terraform Mars," they insist, unable to terraform Earth, a planet that is already perfect except it's like 2° too warm.

True story: When I was a contractor at a NASA facility I kept M&Ms on my desk. A civil servant I worked with ate a few one day. The next day I came in to find a pound bag on my desk. He wanted to "reimburse" me because he didn't want the few he ate to be seen as a gift. Anyway

If Jesus had focused more on kitchen table issues and less on unpopular outcasts like lepers and prostitutes, he might have won more support from white working-class Judeans.

Does anyone know if the Easter bunny saw their shadow, indicating two more weeks of Lent?

Staple this to RFK Jr’s forehead.

Today in weird statistical coincidences

If the U.S. government is going to take the position that, once removed from the United States, folks can’t be brought back, then it sure seems to me that federal courts should be reflexively and categorically barring *all* removals until they’re 100 percent certain that the removals are lawful.

The problem with most machine-based random number generators is that they’re not TRULY random, so if you need genuine randomness it is sometimes necessary to link your code to an external random process like a physical noise source or the current rate of US tariffs on a given country.

This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism.

I think I’d take a lifelong vow of silence if ever I was this wrong, this loudly, over something this clear

We are speedrunning the Declaration of Independence, folks.